Thursday, April 30, 2009

A Break

I am taking a break.

I'll be around, but I need some time and space from blogging.

You know I love you guys.


I guess I'm having a mid-life blogging crisis.

Whatever that is.


I'll be back when I've gotten some perspective.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

My Friend Grief

Do you find it quite bizarre that one day I can write a post like this? and then the next day write one like this?
Yep, me too...


Grief has infiltrated my life. It has become a permanent fixture, bolted firmly into place.

Don't get me wrong, I don't mind its presence. I connect the grief with my love for my babies, so I live with the grief of our separation, because I love them so fiercely. Because I am always connected to them through the bond of love and the hope that we will live again together, I also have a close bond to my grief. I will carry it with me for the rest of my life- until we are separated no more.

Next week will be 18 months since we held our little boy in our arms and said our goodbyes (for now).
The difference between the place I was a year ago and the place I am now is profound.
I think even familiar strangers can tell the difference.

Yes, friends, I am grieving with hope.

Praise God. I give him all the glory for the Spirit working these changes in me. I am a work in progress indeed.

I am beginning to recognize the deep struggles that come with living a life of faith. Struggles that don't go away just because I entrust myself to the Lord. There are still seasons of continually waiting upon the Lord. Those are not easy seasons, my friends. I know I don't have to tell you all that.

And surprise, surprise...I do still feel stuck some days.

Today is one of those days.
I am fighting the (somewhat pathetic) feeling of being left behind (no, no not that kind of Left Behind). Here we are, 2 years and 1 month since I became pregnant with Owen and we still have no living children, and nope...I am not pregnant.


Sometimes, waiting feels an awful lot like being stuck somewhere against my will. But I have to remind myself that I am not standing still, statue-like, waiting for God to tell me what to do or waiting for Him to do something; I am constantly moving forward, living the life He has called me to live, walking with Him towards my Home.


Because today is one of those days where I need to hear the Good News repeated to me over and over again, I will remind everyone here too:
Jesus is alive. God is sovereign and good, and because of this we will always have great hope (Thanks, Keisha).

Monday, April 27, 2009

Ah, memories

Did I ever tell you about the time I met Mel Gibson? No? I never mentioned it...hm...
Oh well, I guess it just slipped my mind.

Or the time when I got to hang out behind the scenes at the filming of a major motion picture?

What about the time my dad arrested Martin Sheen? No? Really, because that one's a really funny story...
(To be fair, Martin Sheen has been arrested A LOT so it's not like 70 or 80 other people haven't arrested him too.)


These random, weird facts about me don't come up much. I like to think of myself as the kind of person who doesn't like to show off...did I just show off a little bit?
Oh well...


When the movie We Were Soliders Once, and Young was filmed where my dad was stationed (Fort Benning, GA), I thought was going to meet all kinds of celebrities and have great stories about hanging with my friends Mel and Kerry, Sam and Madeline.

Insert little snicker here.

I was 18 years old and a freshman in college, so it's understandable that I had a lot of delusions back then.

My dad, being the high ranking officer that he was, got me the 'hook-up' to get behind the scenes. I had my badge and credentials. I had the shooting location and a free pass to rub shoulders with famous people! I was going to get to hang out at the crafts table, behind the scenes!

I got up early, showered, did my hair, put on my make up carefully...and waited.
I paced in my room for probably 2 hours. Why didn't I want to go already?
Shouldn't I be rushing out the door with my camera in hand, ready to fawn over all the celebs?


Later when my dad came home from work, he asked how my day had been.
"Great." I said in my best sullen teenage voice.
"That's good, honey." My dad replied back. "So, you had a good time at the shooting location?"

"I didn't go. I just couldn't make myself after I realized that all I was getting excited about was getting to stand around and watch Mel eat a ham sandwich at the crafts table. I just felt stupid."

He looked at me and blinked his surprise. "I'm proud of you. That was a good decision. It would have been okay if you had gone, but I'm proud that you didn't want to gawk at them while they took breaks in between filming.
They're just people after all."


I floated around on cloud nine the rest of my spring break. My dad was proud of me.


Yes, to answer your questions, I did get to meet Mel and why yes, he is a lot shorter in real life.
He said 'hi' and I blushed bright red.

We were also invited to watch them film the party scene at the General's house. It was fun...if by fun you mean standing around waiting for them yell QUIET, while they set and dressed the scene and then film for all of two minutes before yelling cut again.

That was our small taste of Hollywood. They filmed for about two weeks on location and the rest was filmed at a sound stage in L.A.


Oh, and the story about how and why my dad arrested Martin Sheen? Another story for another time...

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Hope...?


Having one of those days where everything feels so hopeless.
_____

I miss my little boy. I wish that I was taking pictures of my two men together today, instead of going through pictures from 18 months ago- the only pictures we have of our son.

I am thankful for the time we spent with him, for the pictures we have, for the 36 weeks of memories and the joy he brought into our lives...but today is one of those days where nothing can console me. I miss him.






Heavenly Father, I am growing weary of this life, the trials, the loss, the pain. I am having a hard time believing that you care about us and know how we feel. Your Word tells me of your steadfast love. Please, please help me trust your Word.
I believe, please help my unbelief.

I want to crawl into your lap and feel your tenderness and comfort. I want to forget the things that draw my attention away from you and just rest. Just be with you.
I am not the only one who feels this way. Will you gather us all up and hold us, Heavenly Father? We need you. We desperately need you, but find that when we need you the most, we so often turn away because we're afraid and hurting. We are your forgetful little sheep. Please gather us up and take care of us. We entrust ourselves to you, because you say you are faithful and you cannot lie. Thank you for your Son.
In His name we pray. Amen.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Sufficient Grace

I don't like to censor, but I knew I needed to delete that last post.

I would never want someone to come across what I wrote and think I was talking about them. The blogging world gets smaller every day and maybe one day, this woman might stumble across my blog and there is all her dirty laundry displayed for all to see in my self righteous criticism.

I should have commented on her blog (after calming down, of course) instead of writing an angry diatribe about her.


His grace is sufficient. For me. For her. For you.

We won't ever sin big enough to cause God to throw up His hands and walk away.

Though I may be reactive and mean spirited, God is not.


You all are so encouraging and kind, thanks for all the support. Love you all!

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Our Life in Pictures- sort of


Just a typical day- pretend to be a model in the front yard as cars drive by, people staring? Check.


Force husband to do the same? Check. Make fun of Chris' hair-do? Check.


Play with kitten? Double check. Make delicious dinner? Um, check.


Daydream? Check.


Play with husband at Botanical Gardens? Check and check.


Pretend to be professional photographer? Check. Wander around downtown during street fairs? Check-a-roony.
Lots of pretending going on.



Just an excuse for some levity after a weighty post and to show off my cute kitten, I mean husband.

Another Sad Story


Since Owen's death, Chris and I have had many, many conversations with people that have told us how strong and brave we are, or that we are stronger than they would be in this situation. It has always bothered me.
I don't want to be singled out like that. I've never been much for being the center of attention and I certainly don't want to be acknowledged for 'being stronger than most people' are when their babies die. It's almost like saying other people would take their child's death harder than me. I honestly don't know what I'm supposed to take from such statements.

A while ago, I heard another bereaved mom say that it seems like when other people tell us that they could not handle the loss of a child, that they would have to be locked up or that they would not do as well as we have...it's almost that they are saying a silent (whether it is sub-conscious or unconscious) prayer to God saying, "Please, God. I can't handle that. Don't take MY child away from me!"

In looking at God's story instead of what I consider my own or Owen's story, I've come to realize that this has nothing to do with me.

Whether or not I like it is another thing all together, but my life is not my own. I can't change the outcome of what God has planned for my time on this earth. I couldn't change what He had planned for Owen. I ate all the right things, I exercised moderately, gained the perfect amount of weight, rested well and even held my breath while walking past smokers...it didn't matter.
(I'm not saying that we can just do whatever we want because, hey! God's in control and our actions don't affect us or people around us. I'm merely stating that no matter what we do or don't do, we can never add a single day to our lives, or our childrens' lives. We are all in God's hands.)

Sometimes I feel like a bad afternoon special on ABC; another sad story. Something people pass along to their friends in order that they can avoid the 'outcome' we've had. Whatever it is, they've got to figure out we did or didn't do, so it doesn't happen to them.

I realize I'm being cynical; I probably shouldn't go and on about this, but I'm just tired of being treated this way. I'm not brave, I'm not strong, I'm just normal, or on the flip side -I didn't do anything wrong and I didn't cause God to take my son from me because I did something to incur his wrath.

When your child lives- God willing, when we have living children, it will not be because I took excellent care of myself and my baby. It will not be because I read the right books or had the best doctor- this one's hard for me...I love my doctor and believe he's giving us great care, but he won't change the outcome because of his wisdom or attentiveness.

God has already written my life. He wrote Owen's life before I was born.

I will do my best to take care of my body, my husband, my children. I will do what I can to keep them safe and healthy. I will tell them about Jesus and pray for their salvation. I will continue praying knowing that God has already written the end of the story.

I will trust my Lord, believing that He knows best and will give us what we need to endure the life He's given us...and yes, to have joy in the life He's given us too.


Owen points to Jesus. Period. Owen's life on earth was short, yes, I'll concede to that, but it was no less crucial to God's plan for His Kingdom.
I want everyone who looks at the story weaving in my life to see God's strength, goodness and sovereignty.

I don't want to be the center of attention.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009







I'm with you today, Tonya. I miss our little boys.

Baby Matt

I am taking down my button to 'Pray for Matt'.

We rejoice that our prayers are no longer needed because Matt is completely healed and experiencing true life, but we weep with his parents for the separation they now face.

Matt went Home to be with the Lord 2 days ago.

If you'd like, you can visit his parent's blog and offer them your prayers and support.

Monday, April 20, 2009

my day so far

Wake up- 10:30am
Check email/google reader- 10:45
Eat random breakfast items- 11
Shower- 12pm
Leave for doctor's appointment- 12:40
Realize Chris has my driver's license- 12:42
Meet Chris at his work to retrieve driver's license- 12:50
Imitate speed racer on my way to doctor's appointment so as not to be the rude late person- 1pm
Arrive 2 minutes early to appointment- 1:13
Sit in waiting area surrounded by happy pregnant women for eight years- 1:30
Get called back to see the doctor- 1:35
Have best appointment of my life, even considering it was just my annual exam- 2pm
Chat with my favorite doctor (nicknamed Dr. Wonderful) for thirty minutes about my losses, my medical history and his plan for my next pregnancy- 2:30
Leave with samples of prenatal vitamins (even though I'm not pregnant yet) and smile from the calm of my doctor's visit- 2:35
Ignore empty gas tank light and drive straight to Burger King- 2:45
Enjoy guilty pleasure of Whopper Jr., fries and a coke- 3pm

Decide to write really detailed, boring post of my day on blogger because I am bursting with optimism and hope and totally in love with my doctor (platonically, of course) who, by the way, kissed me on my forehead as I was leaving (I think he is just as invested in our having living children as we are)- 3:30






*edited to add: How many times do I have to edit and re-publish this post before I get it right? Grrrr...
Oh well, I'll blame it on my thyroid; decreased mental functioning is a side effect, you know. I'm not kidding, you can google it.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Our Intended Trip to Philadelphia

Thanks everyone for your sweet comments and support on the last post. I felt your prayers.


Tuesday morning, Chris and I were supposed to be on a plane to Philadelphia. Why, you ask? Well, surprise, surprise (no, no, not that one)...we're applying to seminary. And when I say 'we', I mean Chris.
The topic of seminary has been on the table for almost 6 years and we've finally come to the same place at the same time and well, we're just going to step out and do it.

And I am freaking out.

Did I just say that?

To be honest, I'm afraid. I'm afraid of being a minister's wife, of living in a fish bowl, of having to give of myself daily and live for something more than myself and my family.

But I just know that if we don't do this, then we will be walking away from the calling He has placed on our lives. Chris has felt the call since he was 16. Me, not so much.
Humor me here when I say that when we were dating, I thought that it was so cool that the guy I was with wanted to do ministry. I was a new Christian and pretty 'fired up' about the Gospel.

It took getting married and going through some tough trials to figure out that this whole Christian life was not all emotional highs and mountain tops. We were newlyweds, he was in school, I was unemployed and we fought. alot.
It was difficult.

When I finally found a job, I was 'let go' 5 weeks later.
I was unemployed again for 8 months.

It was a dark time in my life. I didn't know unemployment could reek as much havoc in me as it did. My college education was worthless and I felt worthless too.
I turned away from God with a bitter heart and became a hermit, even shutting Chris out at times.

It was a gradual softening of my heart to the goodness of God that brought me out of the darkness I was engulfed in. I saw His goodness and faithfulness through the kindness and faithfulness of my sweet husband, who never lashed out in anger towards me or criticized my unemployment.
He was steadfast and showed me the steadfast love of our God, who wouldn't abandon us, even when we are so unlovable and obstinate.

The Lord did provide me with a job (in His timing) and it couldn't have been a better one.
I loved my co-workers; they became great friends, and still are.

Two years into our marriage, Chris graduated from college (did I mention I was 2 years older than him?) and we found ourselves in a state of disagreement and confusion about what to do with the rest of our lives. Daunting, right? He wanted to go into ministry and do an internship with a college international student ministry and I just wanted him to get a job and help support us. I wanted us to anything but live off the support of others. Well, in the end we didn't raise enough support for the internship and that was just fine by me.
I talked him into applying to grad school for ceramic art (he has a bachelor's degree in ceramics). And what do you know? He didn't get into any of the schools where he applied.

One week after the last rejection letter came, I took a pregnancy test and there was little Owen.
Another surprise.

It was a year or so after coming out of the darkness of depression and getting pregnant seemed like a turning point in our lives. I was overjoyed. New life. And a new life for the two of us too.
Chris got a job at the art school he graduated from and everything just seemed right.

Needless to say, when Owen died, everything fell apart. I couldn't imagine serving a God who would allow my son to die. I didn't understand. I didn't know how to view Him and His character. Was it punishment? Was God reacting to my disobedience and sin? Was God good at all?
Chris, on the other hand, ran to the Lord and found comfort and peace in His presence. I found anger and bitterness.

You've probably gotten a sense of how things have changed since Owen's first birthday in Heaven and my third baby's death. I've found that I don't have anywhere to go but to Him. I can't describe with words the comfort and peace that are in His presence. There is still hurt and sorrow and yes, still anger, but He is bigger.

I have felt peace in the decision to go to seminary with my husband. To trust in the Lord's guidance of his calling and desire to be a minister of the Gospel. To follow and submit to Chris.

I have seen what happens when I try to control things; how unhappy we were and how wrong it was for me to lead my husband. I don't believe I messed up God's will for our lives, but I definitely made the two of us very unhappy and confused.

I certainly don't think God planned Owen's life and death for the purpose of turning me in the direction of His will. It would be incredibly small minded to box God up like that. We will never know (in this life and maybe not in the next life either) why Owen's life on earth was so short, but I have found comfort in His Word and sovereignty.

Whoa...I didn't mean to go on and on, but I felt a little background might be helpful for this post.


So, we were going to visit Westminster Theological Seminary in Philly this week, but our plans fell through at the last minute. We are not discouraged, but Chris is a little disappointed.
We do have some time to visit and make the decision between which seminary to go to, because we are currently applying for the fall of 2010. That sounds far away but that's just next year!

If you think of us, will you pray that we would continue to be united and like-minded about seminary?
I will keep you updated on any developments and let you know where we decide to go.

It's scary and a big change, but if I'm being 100% honest, I'm excited too.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Not What I Thought

I was 25 when he died. It was certainly not what I thought I'd be doing at 25- planning my son's funeral.

I'll be 27 in a few months. This is certainly not what I thought I'd be doing at 27, even a year ago...I thought, well, I'll definitely be pregnant again by then...I'll probably even have a living child.

Yesterday marked one year since our second little babe went home to the Lord. Our little chipmunk.

Only 11 more weeks until the day passes when our third little one, our sunshine, should have been born.


And we're still here.

Still taking tests, waiting for the two lines to appear, waiting for the shocked cry and the happy homecoming ribbons stuck on the front door.


It's not what I thought it would be.


Yesterday, sitting in shocked silence, waiting for someone to recognize our babies, we listened to a couple with four (all living) children talk about how they were the only ones in our group with kids and it was different for us who had none...on and on they droned.

My bottom lip quivered, I took a few deep breaths, but didn't say anything. I guess I wondered if anyone would recognize the mistake. I waited for someone to speak up. I waited for my ears to stop ringing and I just sat there. Stunned silence.
Maybe the others were stunned too.

Such a blatant disregard for our babies, our children. So what if they didn't know our babies, so what if they couldn't even remember his name...Owen, our son, existed.

We drove home. More silence. Chris looked over at me and told me that I could let it out, that it was okay.
But it wasn't okay.

It's not okay. I will never be okay when someone ignores their existence. I will never get over them.

My mom called just an hour or so after we made it home. I hadn't cried until she called and asked how I was doing.
I did let it out then. My voice shook and the words stumbled out incoherently. 'Am I supposed to forget him? Am I supposed to ignore the 9 months I had with him? He's real, Mom. He existed and I won't forget him.'

My mom is the strong, silent type. She comes from a long line of strong women who don't show emotion easily, but she is so calming and has the ability to help me see perspective when I need it.
'Of course, you won't forget him. Of course not. You just can't expect people to be the first to mention him or talk about him. They don't know what to say or if you want to talk about him. You'll have to take the lead and do what you want to do. Talk about him the way you want to and don't let others dictate how you live. It's your life.'


It's not what I thought it would be, but she's right- this is my life. The one my Father has given me - the only one I have.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

You must love me exactly as I love you.

I've never been a very good friend.

I can admit that. I can own it because He loves me regardless.

But regardless, we are called to be there for each other, to carry each others burdens, encourage and exhort one another.


If I wanted to, I could give you five solid reasons why I've never been a good friend. My childhood of moving around every few years, friends who have left me when I needed them most, a couple of friends who hurt me deeply...I could go on but honestly, it's me. It's the decisions that I make after such an event.

Before I got married, I had a good many friends (friends I realize now who were unwilling to change and grow with me, friends who were afraid of struggling and pain).
After our honeymoon, we inevitably crawled into a self induced hibernation period where nothing and no one existed except the two of us. We spent years there.
When we re-emerged, I realized I had maybe one or two friends left.

Whose fault was it? I admit that I spent all my time with Chris and our marriage was number 1 in both our books (which is a good thing), but I left out the importance of community in our marriage.

For a long time after realizing this, things still didn't change. I didn't know how to approach the friends I had left out and I didn't know how to make new friends as a wife. Believe it or not, it just felt different making friends as a married person and I had no confidence in the friend category. I was afraid to get hurt and afraid to hurt others.
I just sort of gave up.

When I was pregnant with Owen, I remember my desire to make new friends grew and I was also getting closer to friends who had young children- thinking we could be play date buddies and our children could grow up together. It was important to find women who were in the same place as me. I wanted a place of belonging.

And then Owen died.

My desire for all things vanished. Another self induced hibernation, except this one wasn't so blissful.

In the midst of my grief and pain, there were women who came forward. They were strong and courageous; intent on walking this road with me. Some had never lost babies, and a few had been through tragedies of their own.

Many phone calls, emails, letters and even visits (love you L.) went unanswered, but their persistence in standing with me was unflappable. I couldn't push them away and as much as I tried to be alone, they would not let me.

The reality of community was taking shape in my life and one day, I understood what Jesus had been talking about in the Bible- why we must meet with one another, exhort, encourage and carry each others burdens...we are God's hands and feet.

I have been drawn back to the Lord by the Holy Spirit's working in my friends' lives.

How incredible and wonderful.


Having a blog has been instrumental in the rekindling of the desire to be a good friend or even just have friends again- something I thought I had given up on so many years ago.

I have loved getting to know you all.

I know that the Lord orchestrated my meeting Tonya, who found my blog through Molly's. We just 'happen' to live in neighboring towns. In fact, we are getting together again sometime this week!
And wouldn't you believe that our sons share the same due date just one year apart!

Anna, I love talking to you through email, I just wish that Wisconsin and Georgia weren't so far apart.
I could list each of you by name, but I would be afraid that I'd accidentally leave one of you out.
But you know who you are...and hopefully you know how much you mean to me.

It is amazing to say that friendship and community have never been so vital. I know that reading this, Chris is jumping up and down in his seat right now. His constant prayer for years has been for me to make invaluable friendships.

The ability to open up online and share my feelings with a bunch of strangers (who grew to be friends) has affected my life (the one outside the computer) in tremendous ways.

I do answer my phone now when I get a call (crazy, I know!) and I will respond to emails and make plans with friends. I have realized how important it is to walk with our friends when they are hurting and to carry their burdens. As scary as it is to put myself out 'there' again and be vulnerable with other people, it is scarier to be alone.


I am so thankful that no matter how 'good' a friend we are, He is the ultimate Friend and keeper of all promises. He holds us up.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Because of Jesus

He died today. He died but He's no longer dead.

Praise God He's not dead.


I am a mess today. But I am a slobbering mess who knows there is hope because He lives.

I asked everyone after Owen died- what am I supposed to do now? How do you continue living when your child dies?

You keep living because there is hope in the Lord; there is somewhere to go.
We are going to live with our children some day. We won't die- we will just leave this place and gain true life.


When I hear people say that they are blessed to have lived long, healthy lives...I think- no, no you have it backwards. If you are going to talk blessings, then my son, all our children are blessed to have lived short lives here on earth with all the suffering and pain, but they live great, abundant, eternal lives in Heaven.
What magical, perfect lovely lives our babies had! All love and warmth and joy and peace then...Heaven. How wonderful.


I weep for the time we are separated, but I weep with hope that I will live with Owen again.

Praise God. Praise God for His Son and His sacrifice. We will live too.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Daydreams and the Reality

Sunlight danced off his face as he looked over at me, raised his arms in the air and shrieked, “Dance, momma! Dance!”
I picked up my little 17 month old toddling boy and danced. We danced in circles, his arms in the air catching the wind and mine wrapped tightly around his waist. I breathed in his sweet baby smells- the familiar scent of cheerios and grass filled my nose.
Contentment swirled around us there in the front lawn. Just another day in our lives- an ordinary and wonderful day.



Instead.


Instead I planned a trip to his grave today.


But mercy rolls off me in waves as I daydream about what might have been.
This weekend, we remember His death and celebrate His resurrection. Because of His sacrifice, my son is not dead. My son is alive and well and yes- I plan a trip to his grave, but I know he’s not there. I know he lives fully in Heaven with Him who died and ROSE again for me.


And I know we will dance together some day.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Alone. Lonely

It is a deep, unsettling ache. It's uncomfortable and awkward.
In a room full of people, in the presence of good friends, in the arms of my husband...I am lonely.

It is the loneliness of a mother whose child is dead.

I miss him. I miss them all. My arms ache with emptiness and barrenness- and the loneliness creeps in.

Sometimes, after getting in the car to leave our house, I find myself thinking...what am I forgetting? Something feels left behind, out of place.
Down the road, after my mental checklist and the typical questions to my husband about locking the door, I remember...
it's him. He's not here. I haven't forgotten anything or left anything; but there is a piece to our lives and hearts that is always missing.

My heart grieves when I pass mothers with babies held tight in their arms...

And I ache with loneliness.
It is the loneliness of a mother whose child is dead.

I miss him more than words can express.



And I hold onto Him. Where else can I go?

Friday, April 3, 2009

Blessings

The word blessings has been on my mind lately. I've been turning it over in my head and wondering why we (as Christians) think the way we do about blessings.

It's a weird, providential thing that Chris and I have been feeling heavily convicted in the same way. We hadn't talked to each other about it until a couple of nights ago.

I woke him up from a deep sleep that night and declared angrily, 'I have something I want to say.'
He blinked his eyes at me and mumbled, 'Uh-oh.'

Yep. Uh-oh. But I'm not angry at him. I'm angry with myself.


What do I mean when I pray for blessings? What am I saying when I say 'God blesses me'?

I can be a jerk when people tell me that they are still praying that we will be blessed with children.
Are my babies in Heaven not blessings then?

I think we have a screwed up idea of what blessings are. Maybe it's just me, but-

We throw the word around like it was a chew toy for the dog and then we get pissed when our 'blessings' don't match up with our neighbors' blessings.
I realize I'm being harsh here, but I'm irritated at myself, and yes, at other Christians too.
We are breeding discontentment and jealousy.

When I sit and think about it...I have to ask myself how am I blessed?

Is it a sunny day after a week of rain? Is it rain after a 2 year drought?
Am I blessed because I have a husband who loves the Lord more than he loves me? Are my children blessings...even though they did not live to take a breath?
Blessed for a close parking space in the snow? Blessed for a table at a crowded restaurant? Blessed to be working in this bad economy?

But what if we don't get rain? What if we lose our jobs? What if none of our children live?
And what if my neighbor gets a promotion and a new car and has 10 thriving children (and it inexplicably always rain in their yard)?

How do we reconcile our view of blessings with God's love? If blessings are bestowed on those whom God loves, and your life is crap and your circumstances suck...then how do you view God?

Does He love me as much? But wait, He hasn't blessed me the same. Where are my blessings??


Chris would probably use a lot of big words and get all doctrine-y on this topic. He would say that we are more concerned with the benefits of Christ rather than the person of Christ.

I agree, but I will say it like this:
We have Jesus. What more can God bless us with? What else is important??


I am blessed because of the work done on my behalf. I am blessed because I have only to believe with the faith that is given to me.
What more could I want?

Is there more that I want? Yes-
But I am blessed because He does not turn me away even when I don't believe that He is enough.


When will I stop looking for blessings - stop focusing on the benefits of Christ and completely passing over the person of Christ? When will I believe that Christ is mine and it is more than I deserve, more than I could ever ask for, more than enough?


When will I stop comparing my life to everyone around me and just sit with Him who died for me?


"What, all this, and Jesus Christ too?"


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If you made it through my ranting and raving, thanks....and be encouraged that this is something that we will struggle with until we go Home. I certainly don't have it all together and I don't understand it all. I think I will spend the rest of my life struggling to reconcile the deaths of my babies with God's love for me.
I'm not trying to point anybody out with this post; I want to point to Jesus and say... He is enough and He loves you no matter how discontent you are right now. He loves you and that's all that matters.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

No Winter

Chris and I can get lost pondering the joys and the practical things of Heaven.

I think we did this before Owen died, but now it's much, much different. We love to talk about what it will be like when we finally get there.

Let me say this first: I have no biblical support for any of this post and I don't want to confuse anyone with my ideas of Heaven.
I'm sure that whatever beautiful images we can come up with, the reality will be so much better.


This winter has been so long. I do live in the south, so I apologize if I get on the nerves of those of you who live up north where it's still snowy and cold.
Last winter (Owen had been gone just a few months) flew by. I just don't remember much of it. I don't remember if it was a cold winter or a short winter. It is a blur of sadness. That's all I really recall.

This winter, however, has dragged by. I have been waiting and hoping and praying for spring.

One day, just after our big snow, Chris and I were driving to church and we had another one of our conversations.

This winter has had me longing for spring. The death and decay, the destruction that winter brings-
winter is the season of death. The grass, trees, flowers, everything dies in winter. It is a miserable season, in my opinion. A necessary one, yes; but still miserable.


And then spring comes with regeneration and new life.

Could it be eternally spring in Heaven?

All things continually in bloom...


And He is the light.