Sunday, November 30, 2008

How times have changed...and how they haven't...

How do I go on? I know there's no formula, no right or wrong way to grieve. There's no fast forward button when I'm feeling dragged down by the waves of grief and sadness.
I just don't know how to live now.

I mean, I know it's a slow, on going process- and that I'll never get over it. do I live from day to day?

I hate this new life. I hate the reality of death that has set upon me. I feel consumed by it.
I am afraid, I am gripped by fear that at any moment death will come for another one of my beloveds.

How do I bring more children into this world knowing they will die? It is too painful.

BUT...I desperately want more children. I want to raise them, watch them grow up, take their first steps, fall in love and get married and have their own children.

I know this sounds weird, but I feel the weight of grief not only for Owen but for all my future children (if I can even have more children).

I like to imagine that everyone around me worries and wonders about the meaning of life and why things happen and have trouble getting up in the makes me feel normal. Sadly, I feel abnormal and out of place a lot of the time. Even with my own family.

I grieve for the carefree girl I was before we lost our precious little boy. I don't recognize the face in the mirror anymore. Pain - bitterness line my face. Tears hide just behind my eyes.

I live a paradox. I would not wish for one second to erase Owen's life. But to live with his life is to live with his death. It is a bitter sweetness I don't understand.
It has been eleven months since I wrote the above entry...
I don't know where time has gone. I feel like I am still there in many ways, yet so far away as well. Since writing this entry, I have lost two more little babies. I think back to when I wrote this...and I just knew that if I lost any more babies I would die.

I haven't died. My broken heart still beats...I have no other choice.
I have survived...but it's not past tense at all. It is a continuous present tense verb...I survive. Moment by moment, day by day. I survive.

2 Corinthians 4

Saturday, November 29, 2008

The Title of This Blog

I guess I should explain why the web address is entitled 'risking loss'.
I have been pregnant three times...

I have buried three precious babies.

My first born, Owen, died at 36 weeks gestation. He was so perfect, so tiny and beautiful. Just one month before his due date, he was gone. Some days, I'm still in shock that he died.
My second little one was diagnosed a cornual ectopic pregnancy at 7-8 weeks 5 months after Owen died.
My third tiny blessing was my sunshine, miscarried at 6.5 weeks four days after big brother Owen's first birthday.

This is journal entry I wrote two days before I miscarried my little sunshine, about two and a half weeks ago. My explanation for the title of this blog:
Well, I guess God knows what He's doing. I really really hope He does. It's so scary and hard to trust Him. After Owen died, it was like I didn't even know Him at all. I felt picked on, like He intentionally pulled me out of the crowd and took my baby long before Owen's life should have ended. I don't know if that makes any sense...

Everyday, I have to pray to God for help trusting Him. Trusting that He cares about me, loves me and knows what's best. Trusting that He's sovereign and in control is difficult, but it also gives me so much comfort, knowing that I didn't do anything wrong and it wasn't my fault that Owen died or our little baby chipmunk. Grief is exhausting....and the much needed rest I desire is difficult.

Pregnant again. I've put myself out 'there' again, knowing full well that babies die everyday. Children don't make it to adulthood and parents bury their children. The question I had to ask myself (and now, I have to remind myself of my decision): am I going to let the fear of what could happen dictate how I live, change my desire to have dozens of children?
I can't do that. I HAVE to risk loss, in order to have the joy and love and wonder that comes with having living children. I realize everyone does this when they involve themselves with other people through marriage, friendship and having children. I know the ultimate loss and I have made a conscious and scary decision to have another baby....knowing that one day, this child will die. When....that is up to God.

ugh! This is so hard. I wish I was innocent and naive again, unfortunately I live everyday knowing that the worst could happen. I live with this is a friend called grief.

O.k. So, here I am. Left to wonder 'what did I DO wrong? Is this punishment? Is this a reaction to something I've done or haven't done? and the all encompassing WHY ME???'

Just because I struggle with these things...just because I feel them so strongly DOES NOT mean they are true. I don't believe God is reactive or a God who punishes. Not since Jesus came to make all things right with God...

So, I'm waiting...waiting for the day when all things will be made right.
It is right now...but not yet.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Ok...To Start

How does one start a blog?
I've had diaries ever since I was a little girl in elementary school. I actually found my first 'diary' collecting dust at my parent's house recently. It was informative, to say the least. I talked to myself then as much as I do now. Scary. My entries back then read something like this:
"Hi, I'm sitting on the toilet in the bathroom because my brother keeps trying to read you. But don't worry, I won't let him. These secrets are just between me and you."
I wonder when diaries became such public I'm questioning and re-examining my reasons for starting a blog in the first place. Argh! My constant analyzing!
Do people even consider blogs diaries?

Well, something to ponder I guess.

It's Thanksgiving. What are you thankful for?
I'm thankful for blogs...