Sunday, November 30, 2008

How times have changed...and how they haven't...

How do I go on? I know there's no formula, no right or wrong way to grieve. There's no fast forward button when I'm feeling dragged down by the waves of grief and sadness.
I just don't know how to live now.

I mean, I know it's a slow, on going process- and that I'll never get over it. But...how do I live from day to day?

I hate this new life. I hate the reality of death that has set upon me. I feel consumed by it.
I am afraid, I am gripped by fear that at any moment death will come for another one of my beloveds.

How do I bring more children into this world knowing they will die? It is too painful.

BUT...I desperately want more children. I want to raise them, watch them grow up, take their first steps, fall in love and get married and have their own children.

I know this sounds weird, but I feel the weight of grief not only for Owen but for all my future children (if I can even have more children).

I like to imagine that everyone around me worries and wonders about the meaning of life and why things happen and have trouble getting up in the morning...it makes me feel normal. Sadly, I feel abnormal and out of place a lot of the time. Even with my own family.

I grieve for the carefree girl I was before we lost our precious little boy. I don't recognize the face in the mirror anymore. Pain - bitterness line my face. Tears hide just behind my eyes.

I live a paradox. I would not wish for one second to erase Owen's life. But to live with his life is to live with his death. It is a bitter sweetness I don't understand.
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It has been eleven months since I wrote the above entry...
I don't know where time has gone. I feel like I am still there in many ways, yet so far away as well. Since writing this entry, I have lost two more little babies. I think back to when I wrote this...and I just knew that if I lost any more babies I would die.

I haven't died. My broken heart still beats...I have no other choice.
I have survived...but it's not past tense at all. It is a continuous present tense verb...I survive. Moment by moment, day by day. I survive.

2 Corinthians 4

1 comment:

Jennifer said...

Keep on, Keeping on. I know that we can both get through this.