Saturday, November 29, 2008

The Title of This Blog

I guess I should explain why the web address is entitled 'risking loss'.
I have been pregnant three times...

I have buried three precious babies.

My first born, Owen, died at 36 weeks gestation. He was so perfect, so tiny and beautiful. Just one month before his due date, he was gone. Some days, I'm still in shock that he died.
My second little one was diagnosed a cornual ectopic pregnancy at 7-8 weeks 5 months after Owen died.
My third tiny blessing was my sunshine, miscarried at 6.5 weeks four days after big brother Owen's first birthday.

This is journal entry I wrote two days before I miscarried my little sunshine, about two and a half weeks ago. My explanation for the title of this blog:
Well, I guess God knows what He's doing. I really really hope He does. It's so scary and hard to trust Him. After Owen died, it was like I didn't even know Him at all. I felt picked on, like He intentionally pulled me out of the crowd and took my baby long before Owen's life should have ended. I don't know if that makes any sense...

Everyday, I have to pray to God for help trusting Him. Trusting that He cares about me, loves me and knows what's best. Trusting that He's sovereign and in control is difficult, but it also gives me so much comfort, knowing that I didn't do anything wrong and it wasn't my fault that Owen died or our little baby chipmunk. Grief is exhausting....and the much needed rest I desire is difficult.

Pregnant again. I've put myself out 'there' again, knowing full well that babies die everyday. Children don't make it to adulthood and parents bury their children. The question I had to ask myself (and now, I have to remind myself of my decision): am I going to let the fear of what could happen dictate how I live, change my desire to have dozens of children?
I can't do that. I HAVE to risk loss, in order to have the joy and love and wonder that comes with having living children. I realize everyone does this when they involve themselves with other people through marriage, friendship and having children. I know the ultimate loss and I have made a conscious and scary decision to have another baby....knowing that one day, this child will die. When....that is up to God.

ugh! This is so hard. I wish I was innocent and naive again, unfortunately I live everyday knowing that the worst could happen. I live with this is a friend called grief.

O.k. So, here I am. Left to wonder 'what did I DO wrong? Is this punishment? Is this a reaction to something I've done or haven't done? and the all encompassing WHY ME???'

Just because I struggle with these things...just because I feel them so strongly DOES NOT mean they are true. I don't believe God is reactive or a God who punishes. Not since Jesus came to make all things right with God...

So, I'm waiting...waiting for the day when all things will be made right.
It is right now...but not yet.


Zil said...

Ebe, I am happy you happened across my blog - though I wish neither one of us were out there looking.

What a painful journey you have been on. I'm so sorry for your losses. You are in my thoughts and payers - especially since we share the cornual experience, which is rare and devastating.

Noelle said...

I can't imagine the pain of losing three babies. I don't understand why God allows these things to happen. I suppose we will ask Him someday. In a song it says that we will be in such awe to finally see Him that our words won't come out.

It really hit me when you spoke about risk, and how you cannot live your life in fear. It spoke to me. Thank you for writing this touching post. It has helped me tonight.