I'm not sure if I can articulate what is swirling around in my head. I am bursting at the seams to get this out!
I've been thinking all day about Psalm 131..."O Lord, my heart is not lifted up; my eyes are not raised too high; I do not occupy myself with things too great and too marvelous for me."
It struck me this afternoon...that this is exactly what God has been trying to teach me as I've trudged in the darkness and through despair in the months after Owen's death. I don't mean to say that God caused Owen's death to teach me a lesson...that would incredibly small minded to box God up like that.
I've been so focused on all the questions raging around my head: what I did I do to cause Owen's death, why did God allow this to happen, why Owen, why me, what is the purpose of his short life and death, will I ever be able to carry and deliver a healthy living BREATHING child, why allow me to get pregnant with two precious babies and take them so soon...oh, the questions I ache with...
Last night...God quieted my soul...He calmed and quieted my soul to allow me to hope in Him now and forevermore. The questions burning inside me have answers that are too great and too marvelous for me to understand. I shouldn't occupy myself with them; they are too great for my small mind to comprehend. I will NEVER understand, but that is okay. God has a plan, ordained before the beginning of the world and I fit into it, Owen fits into it...He is a good and gracious God who loves me, who loves Owen more than I could ever love him.
I can't believe I had been hardening my heart to such an amazing, calming proposition.
My part in all of this is to calm and quiet my soul, to hope in God. By His grace, I can do this.
I know some days, I will not feel this way. I will struggle to get out of bed and I will doubt God's love but...
RIGHT NOW, I am not overwhelmed by grief or the questions. I am overwhelmed by God's love, His mercy. His is the Great Comforter.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.