Saturday, January 24, 2009

A Meeting With H.

H. is our pastor. He's the kind of man who tells you the truth forthright and has 'man hands'.
(Man hands: a gruff nature)

H. came over to our house last week to talk to me about how I've been doing recently. I wasn't at church last Sunday and well, he noticed (it doesn't help that hubs is one of the music leaders and is very visible in the church). He asked hubs if I had crashed. 'Crashed' is an interesting way to put things.
Was there a trigger to my 'crash'? I don't know. I don't know if it was one thing that knocked me over and when I got up off the floor I, Owen's dead and this is the rest of my life.

We talked about a lot of things. Where I grew up (this is a long topic if you know me), what my college experience was like, how I've been processing things since Owen died, and how I'm doing now- 14 months since his death.

It was an interesting evening for many reasons. It felt good to be honest with him about my feelings toward God, the church and my life now. H. had some great perspectives to offer both of us. I'll be honest, though, for a while I felt like he was extremely frustrated with me and how I was doing. I kept thinking...this is hard! What do you want me to do? How can this NOT be HARD?!
But at the end of our conversation, he gentled his 'man hands' and told me how sorry he was that I was hurting so much, how much he didn't understand and that he knew I didn't want to stay stuck in the anger and bitterness but wanted to move forward. It turns out he was the complete opposite of frustrated with me; he was full of compassion and just concerned for me.

H. said one thing that has taken hold in my heart. He told us that we really need to move forward (o.k. so this is nothing new but the way he explained it was so soothing). We need to move forward because there is nothing in the past. Owen is not there. He has moved from the earthly dimensions of time and space and he is in Heaven, waiting for us.
Owen is not in the present. Yes, this one is obvious...that is why we are hurting. That is why life is hard; but we can't sit in the devastation and depression that is in the present because we have things to do, places to go and ultimately, we have one place we are going where (What's that? Can you hear a theme?) all things will be made right. Owen is in the future.

Maybe I've said nothing new to you, but wow, do you ever have those moments where the light bulb goes off, something snaps into place...and it is suddenly easier to breathe?
This was definitely one of those moments. I have somewhere to go. I have to move forward. It is not leaving Owen behind, because he is not there, he has what I desire, he is where I desire to be and I need to move forward.

*laughs and breathes easier*

I'll end my midnight musings with the note that tomorrow I may wake up and trip into the bleak pit of despair and sadness, but the truth is the truth no matter how I feel.
And that, my friends, is comforting.


Emily said...

I am so sorry for you loss. I found your blog in Molly Piper's comments. I also lost my first born, a son, unexpectedly at 39 weeks this past September. We found out when I went to the hospital in labor, and they couldn't find his heartbeat. He had a knot in his cord.
My husband works at our church as the facilities manager and is also on the Worship team. Well, was. We've found it impossible to worship right now. Thanks for blogging in honesty! I hope you have reached a turning point in your grief. I think mine is far in the future still.

Malou's Mama said...

Wow, what a revelation! That is such a good point, and I have never really thought about it that way before. Our babies aren't in the past but in the future. Thanks for sharing this special convesation.