Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Perspectives and A Plea

I feel like I'm waiting around for something. Time does march on, but it feels like I'm at a stand still, again with the word stuck, waiting.

Oh, don't tell me...the name of my blog is 'Waiting For The Day' so I guess I am continually, perpetually, endlessly (in this life at least) waiting for the day when ALL things will be made right.

I also feel like I'm waiting for good again. Waiting for the part where God gives, instead of takes away.
Have you heard that song (or the inspiration for the song; the book of Job)? It always scared the bleepedly bleep out me before...um, still does.

You give and take away,
You give and take away.
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name.

Wow. I can't say I've been there a lot. My heart has chosen to say a lot more other than 'blessed be Your name'. I've said...well, I'm not sure I should go there, it is so easy to fall into the pit, you know? This weekend, I kept asking my hubs, "When will He give? When will He allow us to raise our children and stop burying them? Why does He give so freely to others and it is so hard for us?" The questions went on and on. My throat burned from the screaming and I wasn't sure I could stop. Lately I've fallen back into doubt and anxiety. I've questioned God's goodness and love again and again and again. 'Why' is a question I've grown to hate.


Back to waiting....
It does become dreary, monotonous....especially when my focus is on all that I am missing. All that I have lost. Owen...and two little ones I'll never name beyond chipmunk and sunshine.


I'm so afraid that Owen's memory will be lost, that no one will even remember him...and his little sisters or brothers, who will think to remember their short lives? I'm so afraid of losing again and again. I'm afraid of God.

Can you pray with me?

I've been praying for a few days now that God would help me trust Him...that's a completely obvious prayer...I'm feeling fairly insecure about His love for me.

But also, I've been praying for perspective, for a different attitude and a new focus. I want to take a look at what God is doing instead of constantly telling Him that He's wrong and that He doesn't love me or care about my life at all...instead of telling Him how He should have done things.
My children are in Heaven and they will NOT return to me BUT I WILL GO TO THEM.
It is no use telling God He was wrong. It makes no difference how I think things should have happened on November 5, 2007 or in April 2008...or 9 weeks ago. My children are in Heaven and I can't change that.

But I am so desperate to see the good. I want to see the blessings God has given me. Owen and my two little babes are blessings; I want to remember their precious time in our lives and praise God for them.
My children are doing what God has called them to do from their very conception...point us to Christ...and now...
they are with Christ.

I want to focus on the good.

4 comments:

Amy said...

Ebe,

I just wrote a book in the form of a PM on the MISS site for you!

Zil said...

It is so hard to focus on the good. It is difficult to understand how these awful things can happen. Through it though, there are little signs...little blessings around us that remind us that God is here walking with us. You may not see them today - it may take some time. Trust that it will happen and don't force it.

I had a long talk with the priest at the hospital and also read When Bad Things Happen to Good People. This helped me better understand God's intentions - though I still have a lot of questions. How can we not have questions when something so dear and cherished is removed from our world.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Emily said...

My mom just called me a few days ago to tell me that she heard a sermon (I don't know who) about this verse in Job: He gives and takes away, etc. The pastor said that if you look at the story, Job was obviously in the shock stage of grief when he said that. He also says many other things that are not Blessed be the name of the Lord, in the days after the shock wears off and the anger sets in. He only becomes humble again when the Lord speaks to him. I think it's unfair to have to sing that song!

Laurie said...

C.S. Lewis says in "A Grief Observed", 'Why does grief feel so much like waiting?'

Maybe, waiting for the bottom to fall out again? Once you know what can happen, you are in a perpetual state of "what now?"

He also said "We write to know we are not alone." I hope you feel that as you blog. There is a whole world waiting for your words, the common bond of LOSS that keeps us all afloat.