Friday, February 20, 2009

Healing



I'm sick with grief.

My heart is so heavy. so sad. When does healing come? What does it mean to be healed when I will ALWAYS be separated from and missing my son? What is healing then?


My little boy is gone. My baby should be 15 months old. Not a baby anymore. A toddler. I don't even know what a 15 month old does. Would he be talking? Saying mama and dada? Standing? Walking?
No, he's a baby. Always a baby to us. Do babies stay babies in Heaven?


His beautiful new crib packed into boxes in my parent's basement. His mattress, unused.
Diapers, never opened. Wipes given away...without my permission. Those were supposed to be his wipes. He never needed them. I never got to change his stinky diapers. I wanted to so badly. I couldn't wait.

His tiny clothes, I washed and folded them so carefully. Tucked away in his dresser...taken out and packed away the day he was born. Not the way it was supposed to be. Little hats and socks...so tiny, unimaginable that he would fit into something so tiny. He never wore them.
Stored in boxes in a closet. Blankets and towels with hoods, soft little washcloths and a quilt. A huge, colorful, beautiful red fleece blanket. I wanted to lay him on it and snuggle with him, Dorothe. Thank you making it so lovingly for him.

So many stuffed animals waited for him in his crib. So many people left waiting.

I regret not calling everyone I knew to come and meet my son face to face. The one day I got to spend holding him in my arms. A first time mom, clueless and afraid of hurting him. I knew I couldn't hurt him, but I was clumsy and unsure of myself. I just wanted him to stay, stay a bit longer with us.

I want everyone to know him. Know my baby, our son.
Owen.


Remember him.

3 comments:

Malou's Mama said...

Oh, sweetie, it's just not right or fair. I am so sorry.
You write so beautifully, and the love you have for your perfect little son comes through so clearly.
I don't even know you, but I will always remember your son Owen.
And reading your posts helps me. I don't remember if I wrote a comment or not, but when you wrote about your minister visiting and reminding you that we can't live in the past, because our babies aren't there...that we have to move forward, to where they are...that has really stuck with me.
Wishing you peace, and I'll send a little prayer up to your Owen tonight.

Anonymous said...

Elizabeth, you are the mom Owen needed! You are the one to love him, and keep his memory alive. He is and always will be your son and you will always be his mom. Just love him and the time that you can love life and the days will come too. One day, one step at the time. Love, Dorothe

Jenna said...

handsome baby.
how can a lifeless baby looks so strong and determined? but, he does.

i'm sorry you have to endure the days without him.

may God give you strength and focus to get through today.