Thursday, February 12, 2009

Oh, The Places You Went!

Dearest Owen,

Even though the sweetness of our time together can be blurred with tears of sadness and longing, we had such great times together! These are memories I never want to forget. Maybe one day, I will be able to think of you and not be filled with anger and frustration at our short time together, but with gratitude for the time we were given with you, our precious first born.

Before we knew about you, dear one, we celebrated your daddy's birthday. We made him a red velvet cake with tons of sprinkles, because that's what he likes best.
We spent the night celebrating with my brother, your uncle T., and his girlfriend K. They're engaged now, little one, and getting married this year!
I'm sure if I had known about you then, I wouldn't have tried picking up their dog Bella.
Side note: she's heavier than she looks...
A few days before we found out you existed, we went hiking with some friends. It was a beautiful March day. The sky was a perfect shade of blue; it was a wonderful spring day. We hiked and played in the river.
We found a park on our hike and played on the swing set. I wonder if you could feel the motion back and forth, and if you noticed when I decided to jump from the swing, like a second grader.
My parents, your sweet grandparents, invited us up to their house a lot when you were happily residing in my tummy. They lived on a lake and we spent many a day fishing and grilling out. Thanks to you, little squirt, I had the perfect excuse not to put the worm on my hook!
When you were about 10 weeks old, we spent the weekend at your great grandmom's house. She's a sweet lady, I know you've met her little baby, Charles Cooper, I'm sure you're great playmates.
Your second cousin had a wedding shower, and man, did you love those little ham biscuits. Yummy!
One day at work, where we spent many an hour sitting at my desk, we had some excitement in the form of a baby possum, who decided to hang out on the front lawn of the building.
You were growing so fast, it was hard to wear my dress to your aunt K.'s high school graduation. We had a great time.
Your second cousin, T., graduated from college just a few weeks later. You were very hungry that day, and not comfortable in the heat, but T. was glad that we were there.
For my birthday, we spent the weekend getting spoiled by your grandparents. Your grandmommy had already bought you so many cute little outfits, and we didn't even know that you were a boy yet!
Later in the summer, the week before the big ultrasound where you would be only too proud to show us you were a boy, we took you to the beach. You loved the smell of the ocean and the roar of the waves. This is where I thought I felt you flutter for the first time. I think you loved being so close to the water, little fish. Little did I know, that you were just gearing up to be the most active baby there ever was!
We spent a lot of time sitting under an umbrella, reading good books and eating goldfish that week. We had a blast...
Well, until your silly daddy broke his shoulder in the rough waters. The three of us spent the Fourth of July in the ER. Fun times!
The next week, the day before our level II ultrasound, you made your first big kick! We were sitting at my desk and after a mango smoothie, you decided to tell me how much you looooved smoothies. We drank smoothies a lot after that!
We went to your second cousin's wedding that week too. I had so much fun showing off your adorable ultrasound pictures. Your grandmommy had said that in your very first picture you looked like a blob of poop. Gee, thanks grandmommy! Well, in these pictures, you proudly showed us you were a boy, but wouldn't show us your cute little face, you little squirt.
We had a great time at the wedding, you kicked up a storm when we danced!
At the end of the summer, we spent Labor Day at your grandparent's. You really really wanted to go swimming, but let's face it, lake water is not clean. We settled for swimming at the local pool every day after work. You were my little fish.
Early in the fall, you scared us when you tried to come early at 29 weeks. Your daddy was so ready for you to be here, that I don't think he was as scared as I was. After we were discharged, we came home and spent a lot of time on the sofa, watching silly t.v shows. Daddy took this picture of the two of us, just in case you came early and we didn't have one of you getting so big; read: your mommy had the greatest excuse to eat whatever she wanted.
We watched your daddy (and helped a little too) put your crib together. You kicked so much that night. It was so funny to think that you were excited about having your crib next to our bed.
We took one last trip to your grandparent's house before you were born. That weekend is a sad one to look back on. We didn't know we'd be seeing you so soon. We didn't know we couldn't keep you. The two of us spent a lot of time sleeping that weekend; I thought that maybe I could store up sleep to tide me over when you finally came.
We didn't know you were leaving us this day, precious one. We spent the day at work, then hurried to the grocery store to pick up some last minute things we needed for your arrival. Your daddy and I were so excited to buy wipes and mylicon drops and some great butt cream we heard was wonderful. Then we took our last pictures together.

Little man, precious Owen, your mommy and daddy miss you so much. We had so much to look forward to, there were still so many things we wanted to do with you, things we wanted to show you.
It was just the beginning, wasn't supposed to be the end.

Our hearts will always ache for you. We will always remember you, remember the great times we had, and all the places we went together...we have great memories with you, son. Our memories will have to be enough for the moment, until we see you again, until we hold you in our arms and breathe your sweet baby scent once more. You are in our hearts, sweet baby boy.
We carry your memory there.

your mommy and daddy


Emily said...

This is very sweet. I plan to make a photo album like this. What wonderful memories with your son!

Anna said...

Wonderful letter to Owen.

Zil said...

This is beautiful - thank you for sharing.

Raechel said...

This is Raechel - you've commented on my blog a few times recently. I'm coming over here to read about you and to hear all about your precious baby Owen.

I say this as only Mommies who have said goodbye like we have to our babies can say: I am so, so sorry. I share your pain. I struggle to catch my breath with you and curl up in a ball to close out the world with you. I am so sorry, Ebe, that you don't have Owen in your arms.

I'm so glad that you found me and that I have found you. You are, of course, always welcome to read my blog!

Thanks so much for saying hi and don't stop!


Anonymous said...

What a wonderful reminder of that little boy of yours. We did look so forward to getting to know Owen and now with this blog you brought him closer to us again. He is so blessed with a mom like you who loves him so much. Love you much, Dorothe