Monday, February 9, 2009

Why Does It Always Rain On Me?

The above title is from a Travis song, but sometimes, I do feel like this is just par for the course in my life.

Warning: Extreme paranoia and whining ahead, precede with caution.

I've had this dull pain in my left side for maybe a week now. It comes and goes, and mostly feels like there's something in there that doesn't fit; some foreign object that shouldn't be there.

I was taking baby aspirin for about a week when the pain started. It was a sharp, burning sensation on my left side, under my ribcage. Anatomy 101: that is where your stomach and spleen are located, right?
Well, of course, I googled side effects of baby aspirin:

Burning sensation in stomach, caused by gastritis
Bleeding in the stomach or spleen

These two side effects jumped off the screen at me and have been residing in the back of my mind all week.
Worry has taken root in my heart.

What if I'm bleeding internally and don't know it? The burning sensation stopped a day after I quit taking the baby aspirin, but I'm still concerned about this dull ache in my side. It just doesn't feel right. I know the mind is a powerful thing...maybe I am just worrying a pain in my side.

What if I'm one of the few that can't tolerate baby aspirin? The burning pain in my side was intolerable. I do have a high pain tolerance...even if I do whine about it, I can still take it.
But what if I am unable to take baby aspirin in my next pregnancies? I need to take this small pink pill. I need the reassurance that my blood is thin and flowing nicely through my baby's cord.

I know, big deep breaths right? I haven't called my doctor. I do intend on discussing all of this with him, but I fear coming off as a crazy person. My worries and anxiety get on my nerves too.

I was born a worrier. I worry, that's what I do; but after Owen's death...every worse case scenario seems possible, not only possible but inevitable, and likely to come knocking at my door.

Sweet little chipmunk's death only intensified this belief. Do you know how rare cornual ectopic pregnancies are? I don't know the statistic off the top of my head, but I can tell you that I've only 'met' one person that has experienced this tragedy (she's an online friend).

Wait, I'm not done there; I have one more baby in Heaven, tiny enough to hold in my hand.

What the hell am I supposed to think? How can I not jump to worst case scenario?
I don't know.

I do know One who is big enough to handle my worry (and that's a BIG job).
While I can't do anything to prevent the next disaster (imagined or real) looming in the horizon or even will myself to stop worrying about it, there is One who can meet my needs...
in the darkness of my worry,
in the midst of tragedy,
and in the aftermath of disaster.

This is comforting; although, if I'm being completely honest, it would be wonderful if faith and trust could prevent disaster from happening at all...alas, this will never be the case.

God saw fit that His Son should suffer and be made perfect through suffering and death, because He knows how much we suffer through disasters of all kind on this broken earth.
Jesus became a perfect High Priest (interceding on our behalf) that is able to help us when we suffer, because He too has suffered greatly, far more than we will ever suffer. We should draw near to His throne to receive mercy and grace in our time of need...because HE understands.

John Piper's blog has a great message of our Heavenly Father's love for us and His desire to meet our needs.

As I try to navigate today with worry in my heart and suffering at my side, I will turn to my Father, who loves me...

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