Friday, March 6, 2009

1 Second

My co-workers got together and threw me a beautiful shower about a month before Owen died and was born.

I had completely forgotten my camera that day, so a co-worker graciously used her camera and took pictures for me. I really don't remember her taking pictures or not taking pictures, so when I emailed her a few weeks ago about the pictures she had taken, I didn't expect much. I thought, well, even if she did take pictures by now she has deleted them. I mean, really, it has been 16 months. She emailed me right back and told me she would look through her folders at work.
This is what she emailed me.

I am blown away that a 1 second video could effect me as much as it has.

If I could jump into the video, I would...and I would never look back.

I want to shake the girl in the video and tell her to cherish the time her little boy is cuddled up in her belly. I want to tell her not to worry about the sciatic nerve pain or FMLA papers.
I want more time. 36 weeks of carrying him is not enough.

I know I would say the same thing if he had lived 50 years. We are mothers.
Our worst fear is to be separated from our children...and then figure out a way to survive without them.

I think it's fitting that I'm out of sight in the video. You can see my husband's shaved head through the pile of presents. I am seated next to him on the sofa behind the big blue bag, surrounded by excitement, the room filled with hope.

This 1 second window into a time when joy was innocent and dreams were real
draws a line in the sand between the old me
and the new me.

I can't go back.


Zil said...

I so wish we could all go back and change the course of what occured - kind of like "Groundhog Day" when Bill Murray repeated it over and over again until he got it right. Alas, that is the movies, and we are stuck in real life...which only goes forward.

Cherish the video. I also wish you could jump in and never look back.

Anonymous said...

Precious memories. Bitter memories.

After Felicity died, I panicked because I had taken so few pictures of myself when I was pregnant (I am usually the one taking the pictures in our family). I grieved that a lot. I also remember not wanting to have my picture taken (I thought I looked fat).

Oh if I could have known how it would end. So many things I would have done differently.

Andrew Ortmayer said...

I can't relate to being a mother, but I have 2 mothers and I agree that their worst fear is to be separated from their children. One of mine was for 23 years. I will tell you more about it, I just wanted to let you know thanks for praying for me, I doubt you know how much of a difference you make to the world.