Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Another One

Here I go again. Falling, falling, falling into the trap. It was set up so perfectly, how could I not?

I am the last person to believe that a positive pregnancy test equals a living, breathing baby at the end of nine months. I am the most cynical of all when it comes to my pregnancies, but others?

I assume they all end with babies to bring home from the hospital. I assume they all get their happy endings. I assume that I will be left behind, again...

wondering when it will be our turn...wondering if our children will live to take their first breath...

...missing our babies with a sorrow that will always ache.


Greta said...

So you're pregnant?!

Ebe said...

oops...no, not me.

Another friend...

Emily said...

Hang in there. I'm am so sorry for the battle that you are put in every time someone announces her pregnancy.

I spent my first few weeks confused as to why pregnant women who knew what happened to me were not terrified. They kept being happily pregnant and I was so surprised. It hit me pretty suddenly that I was different, a freak accident, and no longer in the hallmark card pregnancy club.

Rachel said...

Like Emily said, I was also confused by pregnant women around me who were not terrified after knowing what happened to me. I was mad at them for their naivete. I was jealous of them for that innocence. I then realized that I had been hit by "the bullet" that chances are would, never hit them. Statistically, their babies would come home healthy because my baby didn't.

That way of thinking is miserable, but that's the way I've thought.

Mrs. MK said...

That is so hard....I just had a friend announce her pregnancy on Sunday....it is hard to hear and hard to know that most likely, they will bring home the happy, healthy baby.

But I am continually thankful that the normal human experience in our century is 1)surviving pregnancy 2) healthy babies.

Even if mine isn't.

Keisha Valentina said...

Oh Ebe, I am so sorry. I am in prayer over you now to fight hard... battling the lies that come with news such as this.

"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end."

Ecclesiastes 3:!1

Love you dear sister, Keisha

Zil said...

Hearing about other's pregnancies is so hard...I often have to restrain myself from yelling "don't get too excited, there's a lot of time for things to go wrong." Then I have to recall, like you did, that there is such a thing as a happy ending. I'm hoping you'll find your happy ending as well.

Ebe said...

Thanks everyone.
You'd think that I would just get 'used to it'.
I can't tell you how many women around me have gotten pregnant since Owen died and have delivered healthy babies.

I thought like you did, Rachel, that they'd be afraid and cautious but they weren't. I think that's the worst part. That they feel entitled to healthy babies and that Owen's death had no impact on them.

Oh well.

I know I can't know what they're thinking...it's just the way I feel about it.

I am so glad that we have the medical technology to enable most babies to live. It just sucks that mine didn't. That ours didn't.