Sunday, April 5, 2009

Alone. Lonely

It is a deep, unsettling ache. It's uncomfortable and awkward.
In a room full of people, in the presence of good friends, in the arms of my husband...I am lonely.

It is the loneliness of a mother whose child is dead.

I miss him. I miss them all. My arms ache with emptiness and barrenness- and the loneliness creeps in.

Sometimes, after getting in the car to leave our house, I find myself thinking...what am I forgetting? Something feels left behind, out of place.
Down the road, after my mental checklist and the typical questions to my husband about locking the door, I remember...
it's him. He's not here. I haven't forgotten anything or left anything; but there is a piece to our lives and hearts that is always missing.

My heart grieves when I pass mothers with babies held tight in their arms...

And I ache with loneliness.
It is the loneliness of a mother whose child is dead.

I miss him more than words can express.



And I hold onto Him. Where else can I go?

9 comments:

Tonya said...

Oh Ebe.

I just read your post on my blog, and I'm so sorry for your hurting heart. I wish I could take it away. I love how you describe it - a deep, unsettling ache. Nothing can fill it but them... In tears with a broken heart with you. Wishing for our boys. Holding onto Him because we have nothing else. So thankful for you in my life!

Love you friend,
Tonya

Anna said...

Ebe,

(((hugs))) You put the feelings into words so well. I wish it wasn't something you had to describe...

Missing our babies...

Love,
Anna

Betsy said...

I know...

Keisha Valentina said...

It hurts, so deeply.

Oh Ebe, I am so sorry.

Mrs. MK said...

Good words. I'm sorry!

Amy said...

That lonliness is heartbreaking. Never able to shake that feeling either, I know.
I find myself wandering through the house, looking out the window, feeling unsettled and restless as if I should be always doing something else....I should be. I should be taking care of my Liam. Just as you should be caring for Owen.
I hope you find peace soon. I'm sorry Owen is not here with you.

Charity and Tony said...

I completely understand the loneliness you feel after losing our baby girl after 39 weeks.
So glad that you have the hope and comfort of a relationship with Jesus Christ, the only true source of hope and comfort.
We have that same song "Smallest and Wingless" on a CD that our "now I lay me down to sleep" photographer made for us.
--Charity

Chris said...

I love you Babe.

Waiting for the day when..."He will wipe away every tear from their (Ebe's) eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”Revelation 21:4

PAPA

Anonymous said...

"May the Lord bless you, and keep you; May the Lord make his face shine upon you, and be gracious unto you; May the Lord lift up his countenance upon you, and give you peace." Numbers 6:24

You got it right. Healing does not mean losing the pain.... It's trusting again even while you are still suffering.