Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Another Sad Story
Since Owen's death, Chris and I have had many, many conversations with people that have told us how strong and brave we are, or that we are stronger than they would be in this situation. It has always bothered me.
I don't want to be singled out like that. I've never been much for being the center of attention and I certainly don't want to be acknowledged for 'being stronger than most people' are when their babies die. It's almost like saying other people would take their child's death harder than me. I honestly don't know what I'm supposed to take from such statements.
A while ago, I heard another bereaved mom say that it seems like when other people tell us that they could not handle the loss of a child, that they would have to be locked up or that they would not do as well as we have...it's almost that they are saying a silent (whether it is sub-conscious or unconscious) prayer to God saying, "Please, God. I can't handle that. Don't take MY child away from me!"
In looking at God's story instead of what I consider my own or Owen's story, I've come to realize that this has nothing to do with me.
Whether or not I like it is another thing all together, but my life is not my own. I can't change the outcome of what God has planned for my time on this earth. I couldn't change what He had planned for Owen. I ate all the right things, I exercised moderately, gained the perfect amount of weight, rested well and even held my breath while walking past smokers...it didn't matter.
(I'm not saying that we can just do whatever we want because, hey! God's in control and our actions don't affect us or people around us. I'm merely stating that no matter what we do or don't do, we can never add a single day to our lives, or our childrens' lives. We are all in God's hands.)
Sometimes I feel like a bad afternoon special on ABC; another sad story. Something people pass along to their friends in order that they can avoid the 'outcome' we've had. Whatever it is, they've got to figure out we did or didn't do, so it doesn't happen to them.
I realize I'm being cynical; I probably shouldn't go and on about this, but I'm just tired of being treated this way. I'm not brave, I'm not strong, I'm just normal, or on the flip side -I didn't do anything wrong and I didn't cause God to take my son from me because I did something to incur his wrath.
When your child lives- God willing, when we have living children, it will not be because I took excellent care of myself and my baby. It will not be because I read the right books or had the best doctor- this one's hard for me...I love my doctor and believe he's giving us great care, but he won't change the outcome because of his wisdom or attentiveness.
God has already written my life. He wrote Owen's life before I was born.
I will do my best to take care of my body, my husband, my children. I will do what I can to keep them safe and healthy. I will tell them about Jesus and pray for their salvation. I will continue praying knowing that God has already written the end of the story.
I will trust my Lord, believing that He knows best and will give us what we need to endure the life He's given us...and yes, to have joy in the life He's given us too.
Owen points to Jesus. Period. Owen's life on earth was short, yes, I'll concede to that, but it was no less crucial to God's plan for His Kingdom.
I want everyone who looks at the story weaving in my life to see God's strength, goodness and sovereignty.
I don't want to be the center of attention.