The word blessings has been on my mind lately. I've been turning it over in my head and wondering why we (as Christians) think the way we do about blessings.
It's a weird, providential thing that Chris and I have been feeling heavily convicted in the same way. We hadn't talked to each other about it until a couple of nights ago.
I woke him up from a deep sleep that night and declared angrily, 'I have something I want to say.'
He blinked his eyes at me and mumbled, 'Uh-oh.'
Yep. Uh-oh. But I'm not angry at him. I'm angry with myself.
What do I mean when I pray for blessings? What am I saying when I say 'God blesses me'?
I can be a jerk when people tell me that they are still praying that we will be blessed with children.
Are my babies in Heaven not blessings then?
I think we have a screwed up idea of what blessings are. Maybe it's just me, but-
We throw the word around like it was a chew toy for the dog and then we get pissed when our 'blessings' don't match up with our neighbors' blessings.
I realize I'm being harsh here, but I'm irritated at myself, and yes, at other Christians too.
We are breeding discontentment and jealousy.
When I sit and think about it...I have to ask myself how am I blessed?
Is it a sunny day after a week of rain? Is it rain after a 2 year drought?
Am I blessed because I have a husband who loves the Lord more than he loves me? Are my children blessings...even though they did not live to take a breath?
Blessed for a close parking space in the snow? Blessed for a table at a crowded restaurant? Blessed to be working in this bad economy?
But what if we don't get rain? What if we lose our jobs? What if none of our children live?
And what if my neighbor gets a promotion and a new car and has 10 thriving children (and it inexplicably always rain in their yard)?
How do we reconcile our view of blessings with God's love? If blessings are bestowed on those whom God loves, and your life is crap and your circumstances suck...then how do you view God?
Does He love me as much? But wait, He hasn't blessed me the same. Where are my blessings??
Chris would probably use a lot of big words and get all doctrine-y on this topic. He would say that we are more concerned with the benefits of Christ rather than the person of Christ.
I agree, but I will say it like this:
We have Jesus. What more can God bless us with? What else is important??
I am blessed because of the work done on my behalf. I am blessed because I have only to believe with the faith that is given to me.
What more could I want?
Is there more that I want? Yes-
But I am blessed because He does not turn me away even when I don't believe that He is enough.
When will I stop looking for blessings - stop focusing on the benefits of Christ and completely passing over the person of Christ? When will I believe that Christ is mine and it is more than I deserve, more than I could ever ask for, more than enough?
When will I stop comparing my life to everyone around me and just sit with Him who died for me?
"What, all this, and Jesus Christ too?"
If you made it through my ranting and raving, thanks....and be encouraged that this is something that we will struggle with until we go Home. I certainly don't have it all together and I don't understand it all. I think I will spend the rest of my life struggling to reconcile the deaths of my babies with God's love for me.
I'm not trying to point anybody out with this post; I want to point to Jesus and say... He is enough and He loves you no matter how discontent you are right now. He loves you and that's all that matters.