Friday, May 8, 2009

18 months

18 months ago, I held my little boy in my arms for the first time.

I had held him for 36 weeks and 1 day, cherished his kicks and hiccups, loved and endured his feet in my ribs, felt my body grow and change to accommodate my ever growing baby boy, imagined our life with him, prepared and planned for his birth;
but today, today 18 months ago at 11:08am, I held him in my arms, and wept with the aching sorrow of a mother's heart. A mother.

I had already been a mother for 36 weeks and 1 day. I had felt the overwhelming responsibility of caring for another, a child. I heard his heartbeat and saw his movements on an ultrasound machine, saw my body growing along with his, felt his kicks, rolls, hiccups and punches; and today I saw his body with my eyes and my hands. His mother.

18 months later, I hold him in my heart, and rejoice for him and the life he is living with his Heavenly Father.

My son...

"Think of your child; then, not as dead, but as living; not as a flower that has withered, but as one that is transplanted, and touched by a divine hand, is blooming in richer colors and sweeter shades than those on earth." ~ Richard Hooker


Sarah said...

Thank you.

It's been one hell of a day for me, dealing with toddler tantrums, prepping for home remodeling, pregnancy fatigue and literally wanting to crawl into a hole and not deal with anything or anyone, my daughter especially.

Reading your post reminds me of how blessed I am.

Thank you for being so open and honest. Thank you for sharing your life with us all.

I'm saying a little prayer for you as you celebrate and mourn for Owen.

Tonya said...

Missing Owen with you today. Praying for you. Can't wait to give you a BIG hug tomorrow!


Missy said...

Praying for you today. Thank you for reminding us to love our babies while we hold them in this life. God bless you and your hubs.

Anonymous said...

Please know that you and all the other mommies who have children that, in Christ's mercy and love, were chosen to be brought to His heaven sooner than you, are just as blessed as any other mommy who has a living baby here on the earth with her. Children who are not here are just as much a blessing from our loving God. Remember what you so eloquently wrote a while back:

"When will I stop looking for blessings - stop focusing on the benefits of Christ and completely passing over the person of Christ? When will I believe that Christ is mine and it is more than I deserve, more than I could ever ask for, more than enough?"

Rest in the blessing that you have the person of Christ. This is the only truest blessing we can be sure of. Remember that He loves all those who belong to Him the same. I am sorry that other mommies feel that they must make comments as they do above (even if they were well intentioned or didn't mean to make a biting comment in the least).

Sarah and Missy,
I respectfully and lovingly ask you to consider how you come across to mommies who are sharing their grief by such comments. I am sure you did not mean to hurt anyone, but your comments seem as a biting reminder that you have babies in this life and you are very glad to not be in Ebe's situation...though who would?)

Rest in the truth that Jesus cares about your Owen and the grief you feel...You are blessed the same, though it looks tangibly different for you than those who have to "be reminded".

Happy 18th month birthday of Owen and Happy Mother's Day to you and all the mommies who don't "look" like mommies because their babies are being cared for by our Savior. Know that your Heavenly Father holds and loves you today and forever! He does not forget that you are a mother. He made you one.

-An Admirer

sjefferson said...


I'm sorry your sweet Owen isn't here to celebrate what a great mommy he has. Won't heaven be great because you can celebrate mother's day everyday, kiss that sweet little face and tell him how much you love him? Come quickly Lord!

You said it perfectly...there aren't words -- only the Prince of Peace. I'm feel honored to bare your burdens in prayer and praying you'll feel His presence during this time. I'm sure Sunday will be hard, but so will Monday and everyday until you see him again. I'm praying for the day when we can meet and tote along our sweet babies tell them about Owen and my long wait and what a MIGHTY God we serve!


Rachel said...

Happy 18month Heaven Day, Owen!

Ebe, I hope those around you acknowledge what an amazing mother you are tomorrow. So sorry you have to experience Mother's Day separated from you children. Thinking of you!

Jen said...

Just wanted to say a Happy Mother's Day to you! (tomorrow)
I am also a *heavenly* mom (also a little boy at 36 weeks) My friend send me a link to you blog and I've been touched by your words/story.
May God fill you with peace and love as you celebrate this special day.

Ebe said...

Thanks everyone for the kind words. 18 months just seems sooooooo long. Too long without my little boy.

To the 'admirer', I know who you are...and thank you.

Keisha Valentina said...

Dear Owen,

Happy 18 months with Jesus.

You are remembered and treasured here on earth and your Mama loves you very, very much.

Praying for you today Ebe.

With all my love,


Misy said...

Ebe, I apologize if my comment was hurtful. It was never intended in that way and I was just trying to say thank you for your honest words. I endured 9 years of infertility and many years of pain and sorrow. By the way not everyone forgets - this morning at 8 am when I updated my facebook status to say "thinking about and praying for friends and family who long to be a mom" I was praying for you too. God bless.