My muscles are tired. Exhausted is a better word.
I have a muscle so exhausted that it hurts to use it. Honestly before a few months ago, I didn't even know that I had this muscle, but it is the most important muscle in my body. The one I use the least and the one I need the most.
Recently, I've found that I just don't trust God. I mean, I believe what it says in the Bible about Him being good and just and faithful, but did/do I trust Him? Um, what does that mean exactly?
What does it look like to trust Him?
For me it means praying that the Spirit intercede for me and ask the Father for what I need, because I have NO idea. I am at the end of myself. I just don't know what to do or where to go or who to listen to.
The voices of worry are so enticing...it is comforting to feel like I am doing something to help myself. If I worry, then x won't happen. If I worry, then I can find a way around y. If I worry, then z won't be so bad anymore.
The voices of the devil are even more enticing. He speaks to me in whispers in the quiet of the night. What if...what if...
Will I get pregnant again? Will this baby die too? What if...what if the worst happens again...
Is God trustworthy? Does He care? Where is He?
Trusting my Father means playing the ABC game of God's character while I'm trying to go to sleep so I won't let my mind wander to places it's hard to come back from. The path worry takes you down is not impossible to come back from, but it's a hard road full of flat tires and detours. It just sucks.
For me, trusting my Father means praying instead of thinking of all the things that could go wrong; praying instead of letting anxiety get a firm grip.
By His Spirit, I turn to my Father, who loves me. I turn my face to what I know is true.
He loves me.
If nothing good ever happens to me...if all else is shit...I will still know that He loves me.
The joy of my salvation speaks volumes to my broken and contrite heart. I have Jesus.
I turn away from the nonsense of worry, the deceit of the devil and the cares of the world. By His Spirit, I turn my face to Him and trust.
I trust that His goodness is not measured by the world's standards; His goodness and mercy is displayed in the sacrifice on the cross, the forgiveness of sins, and in the reconciliation with our Father.
His Spirit within me, I trust my Father.
For a girl that has lived a life of worry, absentmindedly listening to the devil's lies, letting all the shit fall down around me and trusting in something I can't see or touch or hear is hard.
Did I say hard? I meant excruciating.
Ever read in the Bible about having faith like a child? Well, I think I get it now.
A child doesn't question her Father's goodness. A child trusts. A child loves and follows. She knows her Father has her hand, no matter what else is going on around her. The world may crumble around her, but she trusts her Father's guidance and goodness.
I trust Him. He loves me. And sometimes it is just that simple.