I'm not sure I can even define what 'safe' means to me, but I do, I just want to feel safe.
I am a born scaredy cat. Does being conceived near Halloween have anything to do with this? I don't know...probably (Sorry, Mom, but I can count backwards, you know).
Here comes the sentence I always use...and then Owen died...
...and everything intensified. My fears, my anxiety, my scaredy cat-ness is all much much worse now. All my fears feel justified. Worrying is twofold: if I'm worrying about something so much, then undoubtedly it will happen or if I worry about something and pray/worry enough, then it won't happen.
And this seems to be the cycle of my daily life.
Fear of a bad circumstance. More Fear. Worry. Anger. Prayer. Worry. Worry. Despair. Prayer. Different bad circumstance. Fear. Worry. Anger. Worry. Dread. Despair. Unexpected bad circumstance....and on and on.
I just want to feel safe. If I'm safe in my circumstances, then I AM SAFE. But, if something bad comes up, then I feel I am no longer safe.
I guess feeling safe correlates to being loved. I'm not sure when this started or if this is something that everyone struggles with, but sometimes I just feel crazy with fear and worry.
When say, you move into a new place and it reeks of cigarette smoke and you freak out because it is yet another thing to cling to that seems to prove that God just doesn't like you. Is this harmful to me? a baby? Will it ever go away? How do we make it go away? Why is something else difficult happening?
Thus, said person doesn't feel safe or loved.
That's just one example, hypothetically speaking...
When will I learn that clinging to my circumstances and pinning my 'safety' on how safe I feel in my life at one particular moment or another is WRONG?
I am only safe and secure in the Lord Jesus. I am only safe in His love. I am only safe in my reconciled relationship with the Father.
I am thankful that I need Him so much and I am SO thankful that He is willing and able to save.
I wanted to share this song (this version isn't the best) for those of you who haven't heard it. It speaks volumes to me. Every time I listen to it, I change the words in my head...'I always knew you in your mother's womb' because it is one of the truest things that can be said of us.