Monday, June 22, 2009

Vulnerable to circumstances

I just want to feel safe.

I'm not sure I can even define what 'safe' means to me, but I do, I just want to feel safe.

I am a born scaredy cat. Does being conceived near Halloween have anything to do with this? I don't know...probably (Sorry, Mom, but I can count backwards, you know).

Here comes the sentence I always use...and then Owen died...

...and everything intensified. My fears, my anxiety, my scaredy cat-ness is all much much worse now. All my fears feel justified. Worrying is twofold: if I'm worrying about something so much, then undoubtedly it will happen or if I worry about something and pray/worry enough, then it won't happen.

And this seems to be the cycle of my daily life.

Fear of a bad circumstance. More Fear. Worry. Anger. Prayer. Worry. Worry. Despair. Prayer. Different bad circumstance. Fear. Worry. Anger. Worry. Dread. Despair. Unexpected bad circumstance....and on and on.

I just want to feel safe. If I'm safe in my circumstances, then I AM SAFE. But, if something bad comes up, then I feel I am no longer safe.
I guess feeling safe correlates to being loved. I'm not sure when this started or if this is something that everyone struggles with, but sometimes I just feel crazy with fear and worry.

When say, you move into a new place and it reeks of cigarette smoke and you freak out because it is yet another thing to cling to that seems to prove that God just doesn't like you. Is this harmful to me? a baby? Will it ever go away? How do we make it go away? Why is something else difficult happening?
Thus, said person doesn't feel safe or loved.

That's just one example, hypothetically speaking...

When will I learn that clinging to my circumstances and pinning my 'safety' on how safe I feel in my life at one particular moment or another is WRONG?

I am only safe and secure in the Lord Jesus. I am only safe in His love. I am only safe in my reconciled relationship with the Father.

I am thankful that I need Him so much and I am SO thankful that He is willing and able to save.

I wanted to share this song (this version isn't the best) for those of you who haven't heard it. It speaks volumes to me. Every time I listen to it, I change the words in my head...'I always knew you in your mother's womb' because it is one of the truest things that can be said of us.


Ruth said...

I think that for me, losing my baby has changed the way I look at everything in life. I used to expect good things out of life. I was still aware of risk, loss and the imperfectness of it all, but I still expected that life would bring me good things. Now with my baby gone, it seems like I am not looking for the good anymore, but instead, at what might be lurking around the corner. Sounds sinister, doesn't it? :)

I wish that I could go back to the way things were.

Wishing you love and comfort that only God can bring...

Chris said...

Man, I get what you are talking about Babe. I too struggle with wanting to "feel safe". I agree that wanting to "feel safe" corresponds to out unbelief that we are really loved and liked by God. I am sorry for how I add to that fear and struggle. I love you and we really are safe and secure ONLY in the Lord Jesus.
May our want of feeling be one more thing that brings us closer to the side of Christ. May it be one more thing that points to our great need of Him.
"For he who sanctifies and those who are sanctified all have one source. That is why he is not ashamed to call them brothers." (Heb 2:11)
"But as it is, they desire a better country, that is, a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared for them a city." (Heb 11:16).
Our God is not ashamed to call us His own.
I love you!

Rachel said...

Ebe -
Could you email me so I have your email address?
rschwendinger at hotmail dot com