I'm not boasting at all in my tendency to jealousy. I'm just being honest. Even before Owen died, I remember feeling like everyone else had it all together. They had, well, pick something and I was probably jealous of it.
Watching women with huge, beautiful bellies swollen with babies that (in my head) won't die; seeing mommies and daddies playing with their children, holding them close in their arms can make me fall to pieces with longing and well, with jealousy too.
I am so tired of being jealous. I'm exhausted with my tendency to covet what other people have. Really, when you think about it, I am jealous of what our Father has ordained for them and how His plans can look so different (read: unfair).
In the past two weeks, I have been pulled pretty far from my comfort zone.
I admit that I will do pretty much anything to remain comfortable in my circumstances, my home, my marriage, my life. It feels so much nicer to stay within the bounds of comfortability rather than step out in faith and trust that our Father actually knows what He is doing.
By His Spirit, I have a really good friend who has a 29 month old daughter. If my plans had been the Lord's, I would have an almost 21 month old running amok in my house. What a cute couple they would have made!
Two weeks ago, L. asked me if I would be willing to babysit her little girl. The Lord was merciful to provide the strength and willingness to do this for my friend.
Baby-sitting sweet little G. could have been a horrible experience, not because she's a difficult child, but because I am a jealous person.
The second time she asked me to babysit, I jumped at the chance. What a joy G. is and how fun it was to look after her for my friend. This time, though, I would be baby-sitting G. at her house and not in the middle of a doctor's office while her mommy had an appointment.
I was a little apprehensive walking into L.'s house that morning. What would it be like to 'play house' with someone else's child? Would I make it through? Would I feel like the mother that I am or just a teenaged babysitter? Would I fall apart with jealousy?
It had been two and a half years since I'd taken an offer to babysit (at someone's house) and I wondered if it would feel different now that I was a mother.
It is obvious that I did not feel like G.'s mother, but I did feel different this time around. We danced and played dress up, we cuddled on the sofa and enjoyed the treat of watching Barney and Caillou (believe it or not, I had never seen Caillou before).
It felt different holding her next to me and letting her rest her hands on my arms. I smiled and wondered if she needed the physical contact to make her feel secure. Her little head bobbed down a few times but she wouldn't acknowledge how sleepy she was. It felt different...
While we were sitting on the sofa watching her favorite shows, my gaze drifted out the window and amazingly, there was a striking red bird looking straight at me. I smiled, knowing how much our Father loves me. He knows my affinity for red birds and what a strong connection they hold for me to my precious little boy.
I did feel pangs of jealousy and an intense longing for Owen, but I also felt very assured of God's love for him and me.
By His Spirit, I do feel assured of our Father's good plans for my life and the good works He is orchestrating through my precious son's life and death.
I long to trust our Heavenly Father. The Spirit in me desires closeness to the Father and my flesh is busy looking at what my neighbor has.
It is a constant battle. It is a deep struggle, but praise God, Jesus has finished the work and won the war. It is right now, and not yet.