Friday, July 10, 2009

Instead

I had a really funny post about shoveling poop that I was going to post this week, but things took a different turn. They always do, don't they?

Instead of writing the dates of first, second, third trimester landmarks, I am starting over again this month. Instead of calculating my March due date, I am turning to the month of April...

Yeah, you get the picture. I often wonder if I write too personally on this blog, if I give out too much information- sometimes I think it's called for and other times I wonder 'what's the point?'

The point of this post...

I was 5 days late this month. I was CERTAIN that I was pregnant. I mean, so certain that I knew my due date and the possible date of my induction. I knew when I would hit the second trimester and so on.
Yesterday, the unwelcome visitor I wasn't expecting showed up.


We spent last week at a beach in Florida. I'm the kind of person that craves the beach. Every year I count down the days until our departure. Everything seems better there, more beautiful and pristine. The air is fresh, the sun is warmer, the sounds are more defined. The things I hope for, the things I desire the most seem possible, my hope of being pregnant this month soared.
When we came home last Sunday, I was still waiting for the 'visitor'. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday...I waited. Each passing day I grew more hopeful and excited. Monday morning, I started having that tightening feeling in my abdomen and wondered....'what if...what if...'
I slept fitfully each night, wondering what I would wake up to. After some urging from Chris and a few friends, I got a blood test on Wednesday afternoon. I still haven't gotten the results back- there isn't any need for them now.


Walking down the sidewalk to my favorite deli (in desperate need of a Cherry Coke), I wondered what my sweet friends would say when I told them that His answer this month was 'no'.
I wondered if they would feel sorry for me...I was feeling so sorry for myself...
Seemingly out of nowhere, the Spirit within in reminded me of my identity. What a shock.
I was quite content to wallow in my sadness and feelings of despair (when, Lord, when?), but He was not.
I was hit with not just the (warm and fuzzy) feeling, but with the knowledge that I am a child of God. I am the daughter of the most High. Beloved.

I am still sad, friends. But I do not feel sorry for myself. I have a Father who loves me and one day, He will make all things right.

14 comments:

knittinghenfibers said...

Ebe, I am sending you lots of love right now. Your faith is amazing and a great testament to the rest of us!!

Mrs. MK said...

Was hoping with you! It's ok to share....

Tonya said...

You never give too much info for me! I was hoping to hear different news, too... I can only imagine how disappointed you are, and that word probably doesn't even touch the surface. BUT, I'm SO thankful for the message you received, and that you accepted it and took it to heart. I hope your Cherry Coke was even a bit "sweeter" after such divine intervention. I love you and look forward to seeing you soon! Hang in there and rest in the truth...

(((BIG HUGS)))
Tonya

keishavalentina said...

Ebe, I am so sorry.

Praise Jesus for your strength, it is apparent in the tone of this post.

Everything you said about the sea deeply resonates with me. My mind is just a bit clearer there, more hopeful and at peace. Before I married my husband I told him that he must accept the fact that I want to grow old by the sea.

Sounds like you know what I am talking about.

Ashley said...

Oh Ebe I am so sorry. My heart aches with you. Please continue to share your walk so we know how to go before the Lord on your behalf.

Praying for you,
Ashley

Dana said...

I, too, have been riding the "rollercoaster of hope" as I call it--that building up and holding my breath until the final seconds when I come crashing back to earth every month. Many times I have wanted to give up completely and not allow myself to hope at all.

Your "warm and fuzzy" came from the Spirit within you. Mine came through your encouraging reminder. We are Princesses of the Most High King, Heirs with Christ.

Thank you for this reminder today.

Blessings,
Dana

Rachel said...

I will be praying for next month!!!!!

Traci said...

Ebe, you'll never know how glad I am that I stumbled on this blog when I was looking over Katie's yesterday. I went back to the beginning and did not stop until the end. It is so heartbreaking and yet somehow achingly beautiful to be able to have insight into this girl I love so much and how our precious Savior is holding you and gently guiding you through this time. ALL of you are in our thoughts so often. We'll be praying for next month.....! I'll be sending a longer note through email - but wanted to take the moment to say I love you. Wishing you strength for today...and bright hope for tomorrow.

Rebecca said...

Oh, Ebe.

I don't know if your question about 'what's the point of sharing' was rhetorical or not. Your suffering is a testimony. Your deep longing is a story. Those things can point people to the One who loves you despite yourself, Who carries you through these difficult moments. Plus, sometimes it's just plain therapeutic, dontcha think?

Grrr. I'm so sorry for your unexpected visitor. I wish that visitor would just go away & not come back for oh...9 months or so. I don't 'feel sorry' for you, as in pity, but I do feel compassion for you, as I know having children is your heart's desire. I am longing for THAT day with you. And the day when He will make all things right.

{{{hugs}}}

Sara said...

Oh Ebe, thank you for sharing all that you share. Personally I love the frank honesty. It helps me get to know you more and to know better how to pray for you:)

I am bummed with you friend. I can completely relate with the whole wait and see and hoping each month... and then the dissapointment.

This week after losing Faith' baby at 28 weeks I went to my Beth Moore Esther study. WOW, each week I am feeling like she wrote it JUST FOR ME! This week she was talking on waiting... Oh so very hard for me. She was talking about how hard and exhausting waiting can be. Then she referenced the Isaiah verse, "Those that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength" Obviously I have heard that verse so many times. But she brought up the point of waiting on the Lord... not waiting on the event, the new baby, the new job. etc. That our strength will never be renewed when we are waiting on the event...but will only be when we wait on the Lord.

Please know I am not trying to give advice at all. My heart aches for you. What she said hit home for me. We can still hope for the event and continue to pray for the event. I guess for me it is a shift in my perspective. I am still longing deeply just as you. I will pray that the Lord will renew our strength as we wait... I will continue to pray for babies too:)

Sorry for the novel. I am so glad that the Lord spoke to you as well. Love to you Ebe.
Sara

sjefferson said...

Oh the dreaded monthly let-down. Ebe I know how you feel and relate to this sadness. Sadly, this has been the story of my life for the last soon to be three years. Hoping and praying, late cycles...and a steady "not this month". Somedays it's as if the plea of "when Lord?" is daily. I have even prayed, "Okay, not this month but why late?? Must your torture me in the wait??" I hope month after month and lately hoping seems, well hopeless. It reminds me of Psalm 69, "I am worn out calling for help; my throat is parched. Me eyes fail looking for my God."

Yet, through this I know we serve a mighty, all-powerful God. I'm certain I won't understand His ways this side of glory -- but I trust that He's good and He is at work. Ebe, I can even look at you and see good and perfect things in your sweet Owen. What a perfect gift! Obviously not the outcome we wanted -- yet no-less perfect! Ebe, even in the midst of this long delay, disspointments, stretching of our faith, unbelievable sorrow -- we must continue to hope! Hope in the One who won't dissapoint. I have to believe, like you write, and scripture promises that yes, in this life we will have trouble BUT He will never leave us or forsake us -- He will make things right.

"And hope does not disspoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us." Romans 5:5

I am praying for you -- calling down heaven for the blessing of a living child! How long O, Lord! I'm also praying that you'll feel an extra measure of peace -- His peace -- this day, this month.

"But as for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more. My mouth will tell of your righteousness, of your salvation all day long, though I know not its measure. I will come and proclaim your mighty acts, O Sovereign Lord; I will proclaim Your righteousness and Yours alone." Psalm 71:14-16

Never stop writing honestly!
Sarah

Laurie said...

C.S. Lewis said "We read to know we are not alone."

I think blogging would also fall under that category.

That is why you do it...and that is why we read it.

Carry on, friend.
Your heartache is real, your longing is justified, your pain and loss are shared by many and you are not alone.

Ebe said...

The tears came steadily with comment you left...a girl couldn't ask for better friends than you all- friends with compassion in their hearts and kind words to bring me continually to our Savior's side.
I love you.
Thank you.

Chris said...

Ebe,
I too am so thankful for the gift that you give in the form of your honest writing. How encouraged in the Lord Jesus I continue to be with each post. I love you and so glad you are my wife.
PAPA