Tuesday, August 18, 2009


Does the title say it all? 

I have been having a fat daddy pity party since Saturday. ugh.
I hate to even type it all out. It just sucks...it SUCKS!

I wanted to come here and tell you all such different news. You, who have walked with me, who hope with me, who pray for me. 
I want to tell you that I am hopeful; that I trust our Father and believe he is good.

Friends, I am struggling. Really badly. 

(big sigh)

But that doesn't mean that God isn't good or that there isn't hope. Because there is hope, there is HOPE! God is good and our Father loves us tremendously. I may not feel that way, but my feelings have proven (time and time again) to be less than trustworthy. Our Father is always trustworthy. He is always good. 
I just don't understand him. Or his ways. 

There is much to be said of Psalm 131

I had a long talk with a good friend today about what it looks like for us (as individuals) to hope. I don't think we came to any conclusions, but she pointed me to Jesus. And that, friends, I needed more than answers. In talking with her, we both decided that we tend to have the same default. We worry. 
We worry and fret and go to the worst case scenario. We may have valid experiences that point to the worse case scenario, but that doesn't mean that we are doomed to it. Worry, for me, is definitely a type of control. It is such a good thing to be aware of our default settings, because that is where Satan and my sin wreck havoc.

When I told Chris about our conversation, he lovingly pointed out the obvious. Our default should be the Bible. The Gospel. 
Not the hope in some benevolent God who doesn't allow bad things to happen. Not in an obscure picture of who we think God is-
but the Bible should be our default. The Bible tells us who God is and shows us how he is always faithful, forgiving and loving towards his beloved children.

That is pretty obvious, isn't it? 

I guess I lost sight of this truth. I've been feeling so weary lately. Weary of trying to figure out God. Who is he? Is he good? Is he good for me? Can I trust him? 
I've been spending so much time in prayer...or is it worry?...pleading with God to open my womb and allow us to raise our children here on earth. I am so fearful of losing more children. I am fearful of not being able to get pregnant again. I have been so lost in worry and anxiety, trying to will God into doing what I want, into seeing things my way. 
Haven't we been through so much? Haven't we lost enough children? Haven't we suffered enough?

I cannot express how thankful I am for the Spirit in me. The Spirit, who never forgets, is never confused and who intercedes for me with groanings too deep for words.

Even in my thankfulness for the gift of the Spirit, I am sad. I'm frustrated and afraid. 

A silent question creeps into the back of my mind...does he care?

Romans 8: 35-39
Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? As it is written,

“For your sake we are being killed all the day long;
we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.”

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.


Sara said...

BIG BUMMER... I think we are almost on the same cycle:( Ebe, as usual I really relate to so much that you wrote... and I have been feeling so much of the same. I told Greg that in church on Sunday I had a "moment" of HOPE. Sometimes it is so hard for me to focus on anything good happening to us, since we have had so much heartache and dissapointment over the past 10 months. But, I can't get stuck in that rut. With God anything is possible. I have no idea what His plan is for us or you and Chris... I do know what I desire it to be:) But like you said He does love us... I have to keep going back to the truth and just the plain fact that He is sovereign, and I have to live with his sovereign decisions... even when I may not like them.

Ebe, I am praying with you for the Lord to open your womb... A BIG BLESSED OPENING OF THE WOMB:) I am so encouraged by you friend... keep running the race He has mapped out for us. Sometimes it is a crawl... longing for the day it will be a full out sprint.

My heart breaks with you and comes along side you in prayer and HOPE for the future He has planned for us!
Thinking of you!

Tonya said...

Sweet Ebe,
I cannot tell you how you've been on my mind and heavy on my heart. I've been praying for you. This is not the post I was hoping to read from you...just as it wasn't the post you wanted to write. Praise God for your friend today who pointed you back to Him. My heart breaks for you. Hang in there. I miss you. Let's try to get together next week...
Love you!

Dana said...

I am so sorry. My heart is broken for you and your husband as you continue to ride the rollercoaster. I know this post is not what you were hoping for, but you ministered to my weary soul today. A message of hope from someone else who struggles with the darkness means so much more than the bright cheery message of Sunday service.

Praying for you...

He gives us His best in exchange for what we thought was better.

Mrs. MK said...

Ebe, i am very sorry. This is just such a hard reality, that God is not the benevolent genie that makes everything peachy. I have been dealing with loads of worry and fear myself these past few days, and like you, often feel validated in my fear, after all, if God didn't protect my daughter's life, he isn't likely to protect my sons, right? (of course, this is terrible to even think, let alone write out!)

Our default setting should be the hope found in eternal life. Here on earth we have absolutely no garantees of a happy ending.

Right here with you, and very sorry that your month ended this way. Love and prayers!

Emily said...

Well this just sucks. I'm so sorry. This hope roller coaster just batters the emotions and the spirit. I'm too scared to even get on that ride yet, and i admired your vulnerability and tenderness in sharing this journey/struggle.

I sometimes think that if I knew God's timing, I would be able to wait a little better. Like, if God said, in three months you'll get pregnant, so don't even worry or think about it until then. So that's what I want to pray for you. That you will get a sense of God's timing for you, and that you will be able to trust it and not worry or think about it until then. Who knows but God how your story will be?

Ashley said...

SO not the news I was hoping for. Thinking and praying for you!


Charity said...

I'm so sorry, Ebe. :(
I have struggled with SO many of the same feelings and thoughts lately. Thank you for sharing the encouraging verses that truly nothing can separate us from God's love!!

Traci said...

Breaking with you. So sorry. :( You were on my heart so very much today as I was listening to someone share with me ... this has been a weepy and very emotional day. I love you so much - you and Chris and our three little ones are always in my heart and prayers - as are all the ones I pray that God WILL bless you with in the future.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry to read this. :( I know how heartbreaking and emotional it is every time. Big hug to you.

Ebe said...

God has used you all to remind me of his love today. How thankful I am!!

I love you guys.

Chris said...

Sweet Ebe...