I know grief is personal. It affects us all differently. It manifests itself in our lives in different ways and on a different timeline.
But sometimes, I feel like I must speak for all of us.
I had a conversation today with someone who very much loves my husband and me and loves the Lord. He was only trying to comfort us (how many times has this ended badly?) and make us feel better (there is only One who can do this).
I didn't respond at all. My eyes teared up and I struggled to keep myself calm as I prayed for the right words and for the Spirit to help this man understand.
But, really, I know you just can't understand unless you've held your dead child in your arms and felt your heart break wide open.
So, I didn't say anything. It wasn't the right time. It wasn't the place.
I will speak to him though. I feel like it is my responsibility. I don't want to make him hurt the way his words (unintentionally) hurt me. I don't want to 'put him in his place.' I want him to see and understand as much as he is able.
Studying and reading about grief is different from living with grief. The grief for a parent is different from the grief of a child. The grief you live with may be different from the grief I live with, but one thing remains constant-
we live with it.
We live with it for the rest of our lives and no amount of time will take it away.
I think where people, for lack of a better phrase, 'get in trouble' with us (the grieving) is when they try to make us feel better. Put a positive spin on our tragedy and 'help' us see that things could be worse or rank tragedy/grief and make ours less than another's.
I've had 20 months and 30 days to get used to my role as an educator and some days I don't like it at all. But it's something that I take very seriously.
I would love for this role not to be necessary, but in God's providence He's given me experience and words and a love for Him that compels me to move forward with this.
I'd love for everyone to see and understand.
It sucks! It sucks! It sucks for the rest of your life!
But that doesn't mean that God doesn't love you or won't comfort you or has deserted you. He loves you deeply. He is the Great Comforter. He will never leave or forsake you.
But that doesn't mean that grief won't be a constant in your life, shaking you when you think you have it all together, making you feel lost or misunderstood- grief points you to Jesus, to the only One who can comfort you and give you hope. It points to your desperate and growing need for Him.
"Needs are my best riches, for I have these supplied by Christ." Samuel Rutherford
And He loves us too.
I have been absent from the blogging word lately. I guess I haven't had much to say, until today.
And it seems today, I have A LOT to say. ;)
Please pray for me (and Chris too) as we are entering into the 2ww. I am feeling really emotional about everything this month. I have been constantly crying out to the Lord for help in trusting Him. I haven't decided whether or not I'll share the result of the 2ww on my blog right away. I may or I may not. If you're crazy with curiosity when the 2ww is over and you haven't heard from me, then please email me and just ask. I am happy to oblige.
love you all and missed you terribly!
oh, my email address is email@example.com just in case...