Wednesday, September 30, 2009

It's not easy being green

Yes, friends, I am sick. It is a great comfort to feel so nauseated, but as the title expresses- it's not easy. 
I had NO idea that pregnancy nausea could feel this way. Crazy, right? From my current perspective, looking back at my pregnancy with Owen I wasn't sick at all. 
I remember feeling gross at night before bed. I didn't feel well when I got up for work in the mornings, but I could usually keep moving and I'd feel a bit better after eating. 
I keep thinking that if I eat something then my stomach will feel more at ease, but it is not so.

I woke up around 3 am a few nights ago and felt so sick that I was concerned that I had the stomach virus or something worse. 
It was awful.


But, you know, though it's not easy and not very fun, I'm so so comforted by the nausea and don't wish it away at all. In fact, when I start feeling a little better (which weirdly enough happens around dinner each night) I start to freak out a little bit. 

I was (and still am) overwhelmed by all your thoughtful and prayerful comments. Thank you so much. We are very much in need of you prayers. Some days are easier than others. I was not doing all that well on Sunday. I just felt such despair and sadness. I don't want to be separated from another child. I look ahead to the next 7 months and wonder how we'll make it through. 
I get overwhelmed very easily. 
I need to be reminded to rest each day in God's love and goodness, in his sovereignty and power. I need to be reminded of true things, constantly
Not things that sway with emotion or things that come from the world-

But the true and beautiful things of God.

Blessed be the Lord, who daily bears us up; God is our salvation. Psalm 68:19

I have another ultrasound on Friday. I think I'll be 6 weeks then and I pray we are able to see one of the most beautiful sights and sounds on Earth. A heartbeat. 
I haven't seen a heartbeat since Owen. I was 34 weeks the last time I saw his heart beating- two weeks later, there was silence and stillness.

We never saw our chipmunk's heart beating. We didn't have an ultrasound with sunshine; we were scheduled for one the week after our sweet baby died. 

Needless to say, I am aching for the sight and sound of this baby's heart. Despite the nausea and other symptoms, I worry about this little one. a lot. 

Please pray for us- 8:30am on Friday. I will post as soon as I can that day, hopefully with wonderful news. 

Thursday, September 24, 2009

a tiny little thing

Yes, I am pregnant

Five weeks today. 

We had an ultrasound this morning (it's early, I know), but because of my history my doctor deemed it necessary. 

And there it was, a tiny little thing...a perfect little home for our baby. A sac measuring right along with our timeline and sitting in a perfect spot in my uterus. Praise God.

We are ecstatic and overjoyed and nervous and afraid and overall, just a little bit crazy

I've gone back and forth about whether or not I'd post our news this early, but seriously friends, I need your prayers. I would love for you all (my wonderful blogging buddies) to be involved in this new baby's life, just as you've been involved in our journey thus far. 

We are celebrating our little May baby's life each day, enjoying this sweet time with such a wonderful miracle. But seriously, I'm struggling not to wish the days away until May.

We need your prayers. We do believe that our Father has lovingly numbered this little one's days already, and yet we still pray for as many days with him/her on this Earth. We would love to bring this baby home to raise and watch grow up, to do all things we long to do with our children. 

We are praying for comfort and rest in this time of, what's that, yes- more waiting. If my calculations are correct, then we are in week 5, which means we have 32 weeks until sweet May baby is born. I really don't want to wish away these precious pregnant days, but I don't have to tell you that pregnancy no longer holds the innocence and naivety that it once held. Frankly, I'm scared.

I want to be all bliss and joy, but there is so much worry and fear. 

Please pray that we'll rest in our Father's loving arms and listen to no other voice but His alone.

I'm sorry to spring the news in such a vague way, but I really didn't know what I was going to do, and then the words just popped out. 
That's a pregnant brain for you.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

some things

This whole not posting very often thing is hard. There's so much to say, so many things going on- it's hard to concisely update on our life, as well as write about what we're feeling and thinking when you don't post but every 2 weeks or so. 

Instead of 7 things, here are some things:

43 days until the second anniversary of Owen's Heaven day
46 days until his second birthday

Chris was accepted into Westminster Theological Seminary in Philadelphia and Redeemer Seminary in Dallas, TX
The plan is to attend school next fall
Where? Undecided at the moment and we'd appreciate your prayers

Currently watching a man take professional pictures of a cappuccino and some cakes...weird
Grateful for the cessation of rain, enjoying a sunny fall day
Feeling tired and moody
Wondering when I will be able to hear about other women's pregnancies and not feel jealous, bitter, afraid, lonely and sad
Whining/wondering/struggling not to think that it feels like I will always be the one whose baby dies

I held a baby boy yesterday
The first boy since I held my precious Owen's limp body in my arms and kissed his soft cheeks
This little boy kept picking his head up off my shoulder and slamming his forehead into collarbone- my first thought- I've got to gain some weight, I am way too bony
I loved feeling his soft skin on my face and watching him look up at me wondering who in the heck I was
I had been wanting to hold him for a few weeks- he's the same age my Sunshine would have been

I'm really, really afraid to get the flu
I mean, seriously, I'm on the verge of investing in face masks and getting a plastic bubble

We have finally, yes finally, found all the sources of cigarette smoke smell coming from our kitchen and I am super excited to say that we are smoke free and loving it 
After almost four months of running around smelling different potential origins of smoke smell, it is nice to walk into the kitchen for the simple reason of getting something to eat

I'm not ready to tell

oops, I think I just did.

Saturday, September 12, 2009


With the end of Labor day weekend, I can think of nothing better than an ode to summer (and an outrageous amount of pictures).

*clears throat*

Summer, oh Summer. How I will miss your long days.

With Fall approaching and the weather soon changing,

I can't say I will miss how wet my clothing stays.

With a blistering neck and a really bad tan line,

I'll remember fondly the warmth you brought me this year.

The chigger bites were a plenty, oh and a jellyfish run in,

But the pleasures outweigh the perils any ole day.

A broken air conditioner during this long hot season

is a small price to pay for a trip to the beach and an ice cold cherry coke.

Still there?

Okay. Good. Thought I might have lost you there. Anywho.

Summer was fun. I can't believe that Labor Day is over and Summer will officially be gone in less than two weeks. We had a prettty good summer. 
We took two trips to the beach and have attended two weddings (with one more coming up soon!). We moved the beginning of June into a really cute apartment in the middle of town. We've been up to my parent's lake house a few times where I caught a couple of huge (read 2 lb) catfish.

Recently we went to a pig pickin'. Um, if you haven't been to one or even know what one is- you must look into it. We didn't get the pleasure (?) of seeing the whole pig, head and all, but what I saw was plenty. Coming from a former vegetarian I can tell you truthfully I was a little apprehensive, but it was a fun night.

Oh, and the cats had fleas. twice. Apparently it's been a bad year for fleas. Well, a good year for fleas and a bad year for animal owners. We had to give them both a bath. If you know anything about cats, you know that they h.a.t.e. baths. It was a good laugh for us though.

I don't know if this is a summer activity, but I am in the middle of making my first quilt. I'm pretty pumped about it. Admittedly, it's not going to be perfect, but I've had a great time working on it. It's definitely a baby blanket. A baby girl blanket. It's all pink and yellow and green. I know I don't have a girl, or even a baby at home, but I've had such a sweet time praying over the little girl who will one day, Lord willing, use this blanket.

We've really missed Owen this summer. I just wonder what kind of little man he would be. What kind of trouble he'd be getting into. One of my good friends said, rather thoughtfully, that her laid back daughter, G., probably wouldn't really like hanging out with Owen very much. She said she imagined him as a rambunctous little boy who was into everything and was always moving. I thought it was hilarious, and probably very true.

We are tenderly stepping into fall knowing that November is right around the corner. Two years-

Ready to be bombarded with a whole lotta pictures? 

No? That's okay...I'm gonna post them anyway. ;)

This is our living/dining area of our new place. It's small, yes; but quite a lovely little place.

I had a birthday this summer. Yay. 
(Look at Chris' face in this picture. I think he was excited. Maybe.)

This is my dad. We went to the beach with my family in July. 
He caught quite a few sharks. And he put them all back in the ocean. 
That's a nice thought, isn't it? 

Me and Chris at the beach.

Well, here's the inspiration. 
A horse pooped on the sand right in front of our 
umbrellas and the tide was coming in. I so did not want to get in the water and see a kernel of poop float past me. So, I did what any city girl who's never shoveled poop before would do, I got my trusty shovel and took it up to the bank and buried it.
Who knew?

This is my mom, her sister and me relaxing at the beach house (not that you could tell we are related).

Chris and a friend practicing the music for my brother's wedding.

The wedding rehearsal. I was my brother's 'best man'.

The luncheon before the wedding. I'm siting next to my now sister-in-law.

Yes, I am dancing. I love to dance and have been finding myself dancing more these days.
Praise be to God.

Dancing again. I made my dad dance with me. 

Oh, Maggie. You were such a good sport. Sort of.
I don't know where they got fleas, but man, what a pain.

This is the farm where we had the pig pickin'. It was a beautiful night.

WARNING: avert your eyes if you're prone to vomiting. 


Snapping peas, watching the first Georgia football game of the season.

My quilt! Well, my quilt in progress. I'll be sure to post the pictures when I'm finished.

Congrats if you made it to the end of this post. That was a long one. I'm not even sure y'all care what I did this summer. Oh well... 
I kind of needed to post something light-hearted. Thanks for hanging in there with me.

I'll try not to go so long in between posts, but I can't make any promises. 
The words are there, but sometimes the strength to write them is not.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

In sadness and longing

Last night, for the first time in awhile (I don't know exactly how long 'awhile' is) I cried myself to sleep. I looked at his photo album, at his cute round face and chubby cheeks and just sobbed. 
I cried out to the Lord.

Not in anger. Not in bitterness. But in sadness and in longing. 

Even in the midst of my sorrow, I noticed the difference. I felt the change stirring in my heart. 
This is not to say I won't ever struggle with anger or bitterness again, but seeing the difference in grief without anger is kind of incredible. 

I woke up this morning hopeful. Yes, my eyes were red and swollen. I had a stuffy nose and a headache from the tears, but I am hopeful nonetheless.  

Hopeful that joy does live alongside sorrow. Hopeful knowing that Owen is safe in Heaven and full of life. Hopeful that the Holy Spirit is healing and leading and pointing me to Christ. Hopeful...