Wednesday, September 2, 2009

In sadness and longing

Last night, for the first time in awhile (I don't know exactly how long 'awhile' is) I cried myself to sleep. I looked at his photo album, at his cute round face and chubby cheeks and just sobbed. 
I cried out to the Lord.

Not in anger. Not in bitterness. But in sadness and in longing. 

Even in the midst of my sorrow, I noticed the difference. I felt the change stirring in my heart. 
This is not to say I won't ever struggle with anger or bitterness again, but seeing the difference in grief without anger is kind of incredible. 

I woke up this morning hopeful. Yes, my eyes were red and swollen. I had a stuffy nose and a headache from the tears, but I am hopeful nonetheless.  

Hopeful that joy does live alongside sorrow. Hopeful knowing that Owen is safe in Heaven and full of life. Hopeful that the Holy Spirit is healing and leading and pointing me to Christ. Hopeful...


Charity said...

Dear Ebe,
Oh how I miss sweet, precious little Owen with you.
I know for me, the tears and crying myself to sleep at times can really help in the healing process...and I'm thankful for the Hope that you have in your heart.
I really appreciated your last blog about our "blessed hope" as well.
Praying for you whenever the Lord brings you to my mind, which is often!

Rachel said...

I so appreciate your openness (and your prayers), Ebe! You share a wisdome beyond your years but definitely befitting all you have been through! I pray for you daily too, that God would will give you the desires of your heart as you earnestly seek him!

Ashley said...

Dear Ebe,
I am so sorry your heart was so heavy and so full of sadness. Praise God for the hope we have in his son! I love seeing the pictures of you and Owen together. He is beautiful and looks just like his mama!


Anna said...

Such a beautiful family. Such a beautiful little boy.



Rebecca said...

What a great testimony this post was to 'grieving with hope'. Thank you for sharing Owen with the rest of us and for how God is using him to shape your heart.

Sara said...

Thankyou for sharing the pictures. He is just a precious boy, so beautiful. Ebe, I am hoping with you my friend. It is nice to be able to grieve with HOPE. He is faithful Ebe, and will sustain us through it all!

Thinking of you and praying for the Lord to stregthen you each day!

Chris said...

I love you, our Owen, and our God of Hope!!

Chris said...

Damn, I love our little boy!

Anonymous said...

I had the same thing happen to me last Sunday. Spent over an hour just sobbing and lamenting to my Father, but with no traces of anger and bitterness.

Not to say they'll never rear their ugly heads again, it's just encouraging to know that the Holy Spirit is working in my life.

I feel very different than I did even 6 months ago. Praise God.

Ruth said...

Thanks for sharing your thoughts with 'us'. I'm encouraged by your blog.
I've tagged you for an Honest Scrap award, if you haven't been tagged already.