Wednesday, September 30, 2009

It's not easy being green

Yes, friends, I am sick. It is a great comfort to feel so nauseated, but as the title expresses- it's not easy. 
I had NO idea that pregnancy nausea could feel this way. Crazy, right? From my current perspective, looking back at my pregnancy with Owen I wasn't sick at all. 
I remember feeling gross at night before bed. I didn't feel well when I got up for work in the mornings, but I could usually keep moving and I'd feel a bit better after eating. 
I keep thinking that if I eat something then my stomach will feel more at ease, but it is not so.

I woke up around 3 am a few nights ago and felt so sick that I was concerned that I had the stomach virus or something worse. 
It was awful.


But, you know, though it's not easy and not very fun, I'm so so comforted by the nausea and don't wish it away at all. In fact, when I start feeling a little better (which weirdly enough happens around dinner each night) I start to freak out a little bit. 

I was (and still am) overwhelmed by all your thoughtful and prayerful comments. Thank you so much. We are very much in need of you prayers. Some days are easier than others. I was not doing all that well on Sunday. I just felt such despair and sadness. I don't want to be separated from another child. I look ahead to the next 7 months and wonder how we'll make it through. 
I get overwhelmed very easily. 
I need to be reminded to rest each day in God's love and goodness, in his sovereignty and power. I need to be reminded of true things, constantly
Not things that sway with emotion or things that come from the world-

But the true and beautiful things of God.

Blessed be the Lord, who daily bears us up; God is our salvation. Psalm 68:19

I have another ultrasound on Friday. I think I'll be 6 weeks then and I pray we are able to see one of the most beautiful sights and sounds on Earth. A heartbeat. 
I haven't seen a heartbeat since Owen. I was 34 weeks the last time I saw his heart beating- two weeks later, there was silence and stillness.

We never saw our chipmunk's heart beating. We didn't have an ultrasound with sunshine; we were scheduled for one the week after our sweet baby died. 

Needless to say, I am aching for the sight and sound of this baby's heart. Despite the nausea and other symptoms, I worry about this little one. a lot. 

Please pray for us- 8:30am on Friday. I will post as soon as I can that day, hopefully with wonderful news. 


Crissie said...

Ebe - I couldn't be happier for you!!!! You will be in my constant prayers...

Rachel said...

Glad to hear you're not feeling well - it is such a relief. I never had nausea with Jeremiah (my miscarriage) and so with Caleb, I was so thankful to be feeling icky and worried also when I felt fine. I have been praying and I will be praying on Friday morning. I wonder if you're having a girl? (I always like to predict!) Blessings!

Dana said...

Praying for perfect peace over you and your husband.

Anna said...

Praying and praying and praying...


Laurie said...

Congratulations on new life inside of you. I am sorry to be so late in commenting! Life has been crazy difficult for us lately and I did not have internet.

But reading your words of fear and anxiousness brings me back to all the times in my life I just didn't know if God would come through in the way I wanted Him to. Sometimes He did, sometimes He didn't. But what He was, was always THERE. And I am thankful that you know this and feel His comfort daily, even in the midst of heart ache and fear.

May our Lord surround you and your husband and bring baby to this world, healthy and strong in beautiful springtime. I pray your joy this Fall will be profound, despite the anniversaries of your losses.

Sara said...

Ebe, I will be praying on Friday. I still smile just thinking about you and that little one... still I can completely understand your anxiety at times. I will be for you on friday and for you to have peace as you head in there for the ultrasound. Sending love and prayers.

Katie said...

Amen and amen for being green! Again I am praying for you and am awed by your honesty through this. I haven't been through what you have but your trust, and strength in faith are encouraging in many problems, fears, and doubts. Almost every time I read a post I am humbled to learn something new about our amazing God! Thank you and I can't wait to hear the news Friday!

Mandi @ Organizing Your Way said...

Praying for you!! Sickness is GOOD, but oh so HARD!

I just wanted to add that I've had an u/s at 6 weeks because I had been diagnosed with an "inevitable miscarriage", and we could NOT see her heartbeat then. It wasn't until 8 weeks that we finally picked up a heartbeat. I just wanted to prepare you for that in case no one else had!

Traci said...

Jayme, our receptionist, is sure this must be a girl since you are so sick this time. I know that you don't care whether God has fashioned a girl or a boy..... Just that you & Chris (and the hopeful aunts, uncles, grandparents, and great-grands) get to hold and cuddle and teach and train this precious gift as he/she grows.

Deep, deep peace to you as you rest in the Father's deep, deep love for you and that life he has placed within you. I love you...and as always, I'm praying for you!

Sarah said...

Yeah for being sick! After losing my first baby, I delighted in morning sickness with both my living daughters. I will pray that all goes well tomorrow and that you get to see May baby's heartbeat.

paige said...

hoping for a wee flickering heartbeat to ease mama's mind. Yay & booooooo for nausea.

Mrs. MK said...

Ebe, you and baby (and daddy) are on my daily prayer list and always in my heart! May Friday bring wonderful, resassuring news!