Friday, October 30, 2009


Lately I've been spending a lot of time deep in memories of my last days with Owen. Maybe it's the combination of massive amounts of hormones and the continunous march of days passing by, getting closer and closer to November 5, 6, 7, 8...

I call them rememberings. My doctor uses another word. The term flashback brings to mind war veterans, victims of kidnappings and abuse.

I know exactly where I am. I can still hear the radio, the television. I can feel the chair and pillows underneath me. There are other things there too. An examining bed. An ultrasound machine. The sound of static in the air. No heartbeat.

It feels so raw, like my whole body is an open sore.
Anything can trigger them, and suddenly I'm lost in a world of rememberings. The sounds, the smells, the overwhelming sadness.

Someone told me the other day that they didn't want me to be sad anymore. That it makes them sad to think that I'll be sad for the rest of my life. The suggestion was even made that having a child that lives will somehow make me less likely to think of my children who are no longer living with me- that I won't miss them as much. A replacement child, I thought silently.

Don't worry...I lovingly corrected them.
Despite the fact that his death is all most people ever think of, Owen is not just his death.
Sometimes my rememberings are stuck on this tragic event, but those last few days of carrying Owen (after his death) are not all I think of when I remember my precious first born son.
Owen is a joy.
A rambuncous little boy with dark hair who spent most of his time kicking me in the ribs and pushing his butt out as far as he could. Everytime I rolled over in my sleep, he would push back against the bed as if to say, 'Mommy, seriously, I was sleeping just fine until you woke me up.' The first time I felt him move (and knew it was him) was after drinking a peach and mango smoothie at work. Yes, in the same chair I was sitting in when he died.
I have so many memories of talking to him, making up songs about him (my favorite song is entitled 'I'm a naked baby...'). Chris and I sang hymns together and read him so many books. The one I remember the most is Where the Wild Things Are. I laid with my head in Chris' lap, his arm around me, my arms wrapped around Owen.
I'm not going to give up my sweet memories of my son just to get rid of the bad ones...I will remember them all. together.
And I will remember the God who held me that dark November 6 night. The night I thought my heart was being crushed...the night I thought I would surely die.
I will remember the God who gave me a precious son to carry 35 weeks 5 days, who gave me the strength to deliver him three days later, and the strength to continue living and breathing two years after I thought I would die of a broken heart.
It's all a part of the same beautiful story.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

checking in

I have another post I plan on getting finished, oh- probably within the next month or so, but until then, I thought you all might like to see another picture of our adorable baby.

This was yesterday. I know it's not the best picture, but it's a picture of an ultrasound, so I guess it's bound to be fuzzy (we don't have a scanner). 

Can you see her little arms and legs? If you tilt your head to the right and's a great picture! The head is at the top and butt on the bottom. 

I've been feeling a bit better the past few days, so of course, I was worried yesterday and called to get an appointment. They got me in yesterday afternoon and baby is doing great. Growing right along track, with the most beautiful pounding heart. 
The shots are getting easier to do, but I've been bruising more lately. I have the most sensitive gag reflex, so that's fun too. This pregnancy is so different from my other three. It's kind of like being pregnant for the first time, except without all the sweet naivety and blissful innocence/ignorance. 
And no, I don't know that this baby is a girl ;) but I have a strong feeling that it is. Just a feeling. Of course, I felt the same way about Owen, so I really can't be trusted. 

Friday, October 9, 2009

Just really scared

Please pray for me. I am tired. Weary of fighting off the worry. I'm afraid. Terrified.

Nothing's happened since my post a few hours ago. I'm just scared. I don't want this child to die.

edited to say- 
he daily bears us up


praise God

he daily bears us up

A bun in the oven

We had another ultrasound yesterday. I went alone because Chris couldn't take off from work. I wasn't worried (much) as I sat there in the room waiting for the doctor. 

Praise God from whom all blessings flow. Praise him, all creatures here below. Praise him above ye heavenly host. Praise Father, Son and Holy Ghost. Amen.
The doxology kept running through my head as I sat there. 

When Dr. Wonderful came in for the ultrasound, he decided to try an abdominal ultrasound because I'm so thin. We were able to see Owen at 7.5 weeks with an abdominal ultrasound, so I wasn't too surprised.
But as I sat there and he pushed harder and harder on my abdomen to see the baby, I started to worry. What if...what if...
These two words are almost always on my mind.

I won't leave you in suspense, we saw the baby's heartbeat very clearly. It was a beautiful sight. Then he switched the machine to the option where you can see blood flow; oh my goodness.
How beautiful is the work of the Lord.
You could see the blood being pumped from one chamber to the other. It was amazing. Incredible. 

And frankly, such a relief. 

I spent most of the week in bed because I've been so nauseated. I opened the refrigerator to get some water the other day and gagged just at the sight of the food. It didn't even smell. at all. That was such a weird feeling. 
I was so sick on Tuesday that I can honestly say I started with the crazy talk. You know what I'm talking about. Lord, if you relieve this nausea, I'll....
I promise I won't freak out and worry about the baby. I promise I'll just be grateful for a reprieve. I Promise.

He knew full well that I wasn't going to keep my promises, but I have been feeling better. I'm still queasy, but not to the point where all I can do is curl up in a fetal position. As soon as I started feeling better on Wednesday, I started to worry. He is still gracious to me despite my unfaithfulness. He doesn't deal with me in accordance with my sin. He deals with me in accordance with the righteousness of Jesus. 
I'm so thankful for that...

especially because right now, I'm worrying and have been since midnight. 

I know! I just saw this sweet little one's heartbeat yesterday, but it did little to assuage the worry I felt in the middle of the night. I felt well enough to feel hungry last night and was able to eat a chicken quesadilla for dinner. Then, I worried. And worried some more. 
Why wasn't I so ridiculously nauseated anymore??? I even went for a walk last night with my husband, who I haven't been able to be around much. I'm quarantined to the bedroom when he's eating. oh, the smells...
I talked to Dr. Wonderful about this yesterday, but I've also been crampy. It's like a tight, heavy feeling in my lower abdomen. He said it was perfectly normal to have cramping because the uterus is growing bigger and being stretched by the massive amounts of hormones circulating in my body. You think I would remember this from my pregnancy with Owen, but no. I don't. That was two and a half years ago and I've had two early losses since then.
I'm a big bag of crazy.

(Please take this with love, but please don't leave any scary comments about cramping...please?)

I've passed the point in pregnancy when we lost sweet sunshine, and next week (Lord willing) I'll pass when we lost little chipmunk. 

I'm 7 weeks. 

I would love a few more weeks with this baby. I would love about 6 decades with this baby. 

I'm thankful for today. It's all I have. 

Friday, October 2, 2009

Praise God

A beautiful thumping pounding heart.

Praise God!!

And he is before all things and in him all things hold together. Colossians 1:17