Friday, October 9, 2009

A bun in the oven

We had another ultrasound yesterday. I went alone because Chris couldn't take off from work. I wasn't worried (much) as I sat there in the room waiting for the doctor. 

Praise God from whom all blessings flow. Praise him, all creatures here below. Praise him above ye heavenly host. Praise Father, Son and Holy Ghost. Amen.
The doxology kept running through my head as I sat there. 

When Dr. Wonderful came in for the ultrasound, he decided to try an abdominal ultrasound because I'm so thin. We were able to see Owen at 7.5 weeks with an abdominal ultrasound, so I wasn't too surprised.
But as I sat there and he pushed harder and harder on my abdomen to see the baby, I started to worry. What if...what if...
These two words are almost always on my mind.

I won't leave you in suspense, we saw the baby's heartbeat very clearly. It was a beautiful sight. Then he switched the machine to the option where you can see blood flow; oh my goodness.
How beautiful is the work of the Lord.
You could see the blood being pumped from one chamber to the other. It was amazing. Incredible. 

And frankly, such a relief. 

I spent most of the week in bed because I've been so nauseated. I opened the refrigerator to get some water the other day and gagged just at the sight of the food. It didn't even smell. at all. That was such a weird feeling. 
I was so sick on Tuesday that I can honestly say I started with the crazy talk. You know what I'm talking about. Lord, if you relieve this nausea, I'll....
I promise I won't freak out and worry about the baby. I promise I'll just be grateful for a reprieve. I Promise.

He knew full well that I wasn't going to keep my promises, but I have been feeling better. I'm still queasy, but not to the point where all I can do is curl up in a fetal position. As soon as I started feeling better on Wednesday, I started to worry. He is still gracious to me despite my unfaithfulness. He doesn't deal with me in accordance with my sin. He deals with me in accordance with the righteousness of Jesus. 
I'm so thankful for that...

especially because right now, I'm worrying and have been since midnight. 

I know! I just saw this sweet little one's heartbeat yesterday, but it did little to assuage the worry I felt in the middle of the night. I felt well enough to feel hungry last night and was able to eat a chicken quesadilla for dinner. Then, I worried. And worried some more. 
Why wasn't I so ridiculously nauseated anymore??? I even went for a walk last night with my husband, who I haven't been able to be around much. I'm quarantined to the bedroom when he's eating. oh, the smells...
I talked to Dr. Wonderful about this yesterday, but I've also been crampy. It's like a tight, heavy feeling in my lower abdomen. He said it was perfectly normal to have cramping because the uterus is growing bigger and being stretched by the massive amounts of hormones circulating in my body. You think I would remember this from my pregnancy with Owen, but no. I don't. That was two and a half years ago and I've had two early losses since then.
I'm a big bag of crazy.

(Please take this with love, but please don't leave any scary comments about cramping...please?)

I've passed the point in pregnancy when we lost sweet sunshine, and next week (Lord willing) I'll pass when we lost little chipmunk. 

I'm 7 weeks. 

I would love a few more weeks with this baby. I would love about 6 decades with this baby. 

I'm thankful for today. It's all I have. 


paige said...

7 weeks is good!! 7 weeks is HUGE!! Every single day from here on out is a big huge milestone to bring comfort. i struggled with anxiety during my last pregnancy - & prayed & prayed for peace if God should ever bless us with another babe... This time (24 weeks!) *peace*... & i finally recognize it as the gift that it is...
i almost bought a doppler last time... almost...

Malou's Mama said...

I had lots of cramping and lots of spotting in my first trimester (and then some more spotting in my 2nd tri as well as very early Braxton-Hicks contractions), and everything looks fine now. Praying so hard for you and your May baby, and your peace of mind.

Rebecca said...

I have been praying for you throughout the week & was just praying for you last night during a car ride home. I am just begging the Lord to let you have a living child in your arms & your life. Praying for a peaceful heart. I can only imagine the worry. I wish I had some magic words that would put your heart at ease.

Emily said...

Praying for you tonight. Praying for the next 6 decades.