Thursday, November 19, 2009

13 weeks tomorrow

The beginning of my second trimester. Haven't seen one of those in almost 2 and a half years. 

My pregnancy week by week book says to expect to feel movement in the next few weeks. It's been exactly 2 years and 2 weeks since I felt Owen move. 
I'm not sure what to expect when I feel this little one's foot kicking my ribs, the same way Owen did when he was alive. Will I be sad, joyful, overwhelmed with grief, anxiety? Will I fall apart? 

I'm a little concerned that I may just fall apart when I'm able to feel this baby move. Looking back, I know exactly when Owen died. Will I constantly be waiting for this baby's movement to stop? Will I ever be able to relax when this little one is sleeping? or waking for that matter...

On top of the worries I have because of Owen's death, my history of pregnancy losses, and my medical 'issues', I'm also extremely concerned about staying healthy. The flu that's going around, well the two flus that are going around, have me on the edge. The edge of a total breakdown. 

I know you all are praying...thank you. 
Please continue to pray for us. Sometimes I can feel my heart stop when I think of losing this baby. Our Father knows the deepest of deep desires of my heart...please pray that I will lean on Him and trust His goodness and love.

This is the first week (I may be speaking ahead of myself) that I haven't called the doctor's office for a heartbeat check. I've been to the office every week since my 5th week of pregnancy. I know my doctor doesn't care and his nursing staff is great, but sometimes, I really hate being that patient. You know, the needy one with all the 'problems' and 'issues', the one that can't relax. 

There is a lot going on in our lives, other than growing a life, but it seems that sometimes that's all I can focus on. 
Will you also pray for my sweet and supportive husband? There are some things going on in our personal lives that are hard...things that can make him a little tunnel-visioned and pre-occupied. You know, like I can be when I worry about this baby. 
He's a great man. I don't praise him enough, but he is really an amazing husband. The kind you dream about when you're a kid. Please pray for resolution, for comfort in the waiting and security in the Lord (security in the world would be nice too, but I doubt that's a worthy prayer request). 


Rachel said...

I will be praying!

Emily said...

I like what you said: "security in the Lord" rather than security in the world. Praying.

Keisha Valentina said...

Oh Ebe, I am praying, praying, praying!

I still think of you every day... even in the midst of my chaotic life.

You are so much on my heart.

May the Lord give you joy in the midst of uncertainty and full assurance of the peace that is always yours to claim.

Love you dearly and praying for this precious child tucked away in your womb.


Erika said...

Praying! (((hugs)))

Do you have a doppler? I don't know how I would have managed without one - the anxiety was a little intense, and whenever I would worry I would just get it out and listen. It saved me a lot of trips to the ER.


Sara said...

Still praying for you and that little one. Wow, 13 weeks... praise God. I think a doppler would be a great idea... I have already thought about that if the Lord would chose to bless us with another. I will continue to pray for peace for you heart as you journey ahead with this precious life growing inside of you.

Anna said...

Hugs, love & prayers.

Tonya said...

I'm not in your shoes *yet*, but I'm sure everything you're feeling and fearing is normal after what you've been through. I look forward to hearing how I can pray more specifically for you and Chris. He is an amazing guy, but don't forget, you're an amazing woman! Praying for you...all three of you!

Love you,

Mrs. MK said...

Praying always, dear one!

Open Air said...

Thank you so much for your blog.
I pray for you everyday. I really have appreciated reading your words since we lost our twins (conceived through IVF) two months ago. You express so well some of the things I think and feel as I contemplate another IVF cycle, and as I watch other people go through their pregnancies. Sometimes this journey can feel so lonely, and it's so reassuring to know that someone else feels the same kind of anxiety that I feel. I guess it's just part of the process after you lose a baby.

I'm so glad you're at 13 weeks. I'm so thankful for the strength you have. Just know you're not the only one who goes to the doctor and feels like the "needy one with issues." I feel that way too. I will keep remembering you in prayer. May you feel God's presence as you continue to go through everyday.

Freya said...

Hello Ebe,
I just responded to your most recent blog but I also have been forming a response to this one as well =)
I think it is totally fair and reasonable to, in one moment, grieve the loss of your precious boy, and in the next moment, rejoice and remember, as you put it, the God who has brought you through and who has given you a new life that is growing inside of you!
I encourage you to keep the two pregnancies as separate as you can, because they are! In the same way, if the kicking of this baby makes you mourn the loss you suffered, then mourn that loss, but don't mourn the life inside, because it is alive in you!
There is no reason to think your losses have formed a pattern of loss, and you have every reason to trust that God is going to work this pregnancy for your GOOD, because He loves you.
Until God explicitly shows you otherwise, you can trust that everything is perfectly fine and healthy with this little babe.
Hope that that is helpful.

Miranda said...

Oh Ebe,

It's going to be hard for you to no freak out when you don't feel your little one move. Every second I don't feel movement my heart skips a beat. The Lord DOES know the desires of your heart though and His will and plan are perfect. When I start to freak out I say this verse over and reminds me that our fears will never overcome Him. "So do not fear, for I am with you; Do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you, I will lift you up with my righteous right hand"

Hang in there girl, the Lord is with you always. I hope to see you soon!