Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Allowing hope in

And no, I'm not talking about sweet little Hope Hintz who now has her forever family  : () ... we are super super excited and overjoyed for this precious family.

I am finally allowing hope to take root in my heart. Precious Hannah Mae has made an incredible impact on my cold heart (I guess it wasn't completely cold, but oh my, how it has warmed). I have wanted to hope, wanted to day dream and plan. I have wanted all the sweet feelings and dreams I had with Owen...all the innocent dreams of pregnancy.
It is not the same, but I am feeling moments and hours of pure joy and hope. I haven't had a whole day of it yet, but last Tuesday was pretty close.

I was almost 11 weeks pregnant with her when we bought her first outfit. A little brown bear coat with ears on the hood. We weren't really looking to buy, just looking to look, when we saw it. I wanted it so badly. I wanted everything that it meant in buying that little coat. I wanted the six month baby just sitting up on her own. I wanted the chubby little face poking out of the hood with ears. I wanted it all.

So, we bought it, and allowed ourselves to hope. I still didn't want other people to buy our baby things...it's hard to explain. I was just allowing myself to hope, but wasn't ready for all that meant. Does that even make sense?

But, with Christmas...and just finding out that our baby is a Hannah Mae...well, you can imagine the stockpile this little girl has. I think I am handling it well (well enough). I am taking it one day at a time. One kick, one breath, one moment of trust and hope at a time.

We went shopping yesterday and couldn't help but look at things for our little girl. We've been looking for something that said 'I'm the little sister' or 'I love my big brother' but hadn't been successful until yesterday. We finally decided to go back to the store we bought Owen's crib and dresser and car-seat from. There are so many memories and emotions we have from this particular store, but it turned out to be the place that had what we were looking for. A cute little bib with 'I love my big brother' written across the front.

My heart melted even more.

I am ready to hold this little girl in my arms and smell her sweet baby smell. I want to tell her about her big brother Owen and about Jesus. I want her to understand how much God loves her and know his saving grace. I want to cuddle her to sleep and hear her precious giggle. And I really really want to change some poopy diapers (I know some of you won't understand this, but seriously, I was really looking forward to EVERYTHING about mothering Owen and now Hannah Mae). I want to be sleep deprived from caring for an infant, not from grieving my baby boy in Heaven.

I am trying, really trying, to take this one day at a time. We are now halfway there. 18 weeks 4 days down...18 weeks 3 days to go. It should feel like going downhill, right? I still feel like I'm slowly trudging uphill, but really when I think about it (and try hard for perspective), these past 18 weeks have gone by fairly quickly. I am ecstatic to be halfway to holding her in our arms.

We are ready. 

This Jesus Storybook Bible is the best. I had never heard of it, but Chris's dad got it for Hannah Mae for Christmas. I've read some and I just love it.

I am super excited about reading to little Hannah Mae. Which, by the way, we already love doing.

Bet you can't guess what college team we cheer for....

I promise I'm not a weird cat lady, but this is me and Maggie the (rather large) cat. I practice my baby holding moves on her.
She doesn't mind.

2010 here we come!


Tonya said...

Halfway there already? WOW! I love you and am SOOOO happy for you and Chris!

(((BIG HUGS)))

Sara said...

Ebe, you are so sweet:) I am so happy you are allowing yourself to hope... Praise God that He is filling your days with good hopeful moments even hours... that is awesome. We will continue praying through this second half... You are making it girl:) Thinking of you and precious Owen:)

OK, the cat picture just made me laugh and smile... :)

Laurie said...

Congratulations on finding out about a baby girl coming your way!! That cheerleading outfit says it all with your excitement.

And I love, love how fat that cat is. He has so much personality. Anyway you could squeeze him in a baby bjorn for a photo? :)

Rachel said...

Yay for hope (and some healing!) Praying for Hannah as always!

Maggie reminds me of my childhood cat Cleo in her coloring and size.

House of Collinsworth said...

Do you live in Georgia? I do! But we are Alabama football fans (that's where most of my family went).

Ebe said...

We love our Maggie cat. She's so laid back and cuddly. She's literally let you do anything you want. But she is pretty heavy. I'm guessing she's hovering around 15 pounds....

Keisha Valentina said...

This is so precious Ebe, I LOVE this post, your smile, your beautiful hope.