I didn't realize the pressure I would feel after telling them all. Especially in regards to my mom's mother. Her third child, a son, died a few hours after being born with underdeveloped lungs. Not many people in my family know I lost our third child. We just didn't tell anyone. I can't face telling my family I've lost another child. I can't watch my grandmother grieve another baby. It's just not fair...
I know. I know. I haven't lost this child. This child isn't dead.
But right now, that's all I feel. I feel demoralized and angry. I can't imagine looking into my family's eyes again...seeing the hurt, confusion, and questions. Why does this keep happening? Why can't my body give my children life? Isn't that one of its main purposes? I already feel like my body is a colossal failure...what will happen if this child dies too?
Just as I wrote that last sentence, I think I felt a tiny kick...I've been feeling some things that feel just like a baby moving, but it's easy not to let myself hope.
Yesterday, Chris called home to tell me that a lady he works with- her daughter died over Thanksgiving weekend. I burst into tears. I don't really know her all that well, but Chris and K. have a special relationship and she has always been so kind and understanding about Owen. She made an ornament for us last year that has Owen's name on it.
Her youngest child, a son, died a few years ago in a car accident. And now, her only living child, her daughter, has gone home too.
I just don't understand it. I'm so angry and sad and confused and hurt for her and her husband.
I got off the phone and just started yelling at God. I don't understand him. And right now, I don't know if I like him very much. Immediately I felt awful for saying this, but if I'm not free to say it, then Jesus isn't who he says he is.
Why, God, why?
One child. One headstone. One funeral. One missing chair at the table. Why now two?
It's not fair. It's just not fair.
I got up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and stayed awake for awhile. I thought, if I'm awake, then she's awake. What can she be feeling? How will she cope with the grief of two children? The funeral is this afternoon. I was going to go, but I know that if I did, I would fall apart. For her, her husband, her daughter's husband and son, for the ones left behind...for me. I didn't want to take anything away from her family. I didn't want to become the center of attention as my sobs might become too loud. I haven't been to a funeral since Owen's funeral 2 years ago.
This morning I woke up angry. Hostile. I felt my stomach and wondered why it feels flatter than it has in the past few weeks. Maybe this child has died too.
Why hope, why desire anything when it seems like he doesn't care about my desires or hopes at all?
I know I probably shouldn't publish this post...I know a lot of you think I am strong and my faith is so great.
I am not. It is not.
I am struggling. I feel like I've been wrestling with God for the past few days and today, I just feel like giving up.
Okay, God, if you feel you must take this child home too, then do it.
I'm tried of trying to convince you to let me raise this child. I'm tried of begging for this child to live. I can't change what you've ordained and I can't understand any of it.
If you can pray, please pray for K. and her family. The funeral is in one hour. Another funeral. Another saying goodbye.