Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Demoralized

I guess it really started after I told the rest of my family that I'm pregnant. We decided to wait until Thanksgiving to tell the grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins (just on my side). I think it was my mom's idea. I remember thinking, 'She wants me to get past the first trimester before telling anyone....' 
I didn't realize the pressure I would feel after telling them all. Especially in regards to my mom's mother. Her third child, a son, died a few hours after being born with underdeveloped lungs. Not many people in my family know I lost our third child. We just didn't tell anyone. I can't face telling my family I've lost another child. I can't watch my grandmother grieve another baby. It's just not fair...

I know. I know. I haven't lost this child. This child isn't dead.

But right now, that's all I feel. I feel demoralized and angry. I can't imagine looking into my family's eyes again...seeing the hurt, confusion, and questions. Why does this keep happening? Why can't my body give my children life? Isn't that one of its main purposes? I already feel like my body is a colossal failure...what will happen if this child dies too?

Just as I wrote that last sentence, I think I felt a tiny kick...I've been feeling some things that feel just like a baby moving, but it's easy not to let myself hope. 


Yesterday, Chris called home to tell me that a lady he works with- her daughter died over Thanksgiving weekend. I burst into tears. I don't really know her all that well, but Chris and K. have a special relationship and she has always been so kind and understanding about Owen. She made an ornament for us last year that has Owen's name on it. 
Her youngest child, a son, died a few years ago in a car accident. And now, her only living child, her daughter, has gone home too. 
I just don't understand it. I'm so angry and sad and confused and hurt for her and her husband. 

I got off the phone and just started yelling at God. I don't understand him. And right now, I don't know if I like him very much. Immediately I felt awful for saying this, but if I'm not free to say it, then Jesus isn't who he says he is. 

Why, God, why

One child. One headstone. One funeral. One missing chair at the table. Why now two? 
It's not fair. It's just not fair. 


I got up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and stayed awake for awhile. I thought, if I'm awake, then she's awake. What can she be feeling? How will she cope with the grief of two children? The funeral is this afternoon. I was going to go, but I know that if I did, I would fall apart. For her, her husband, her daughter's husband and son, for the ones left behind...for me. I didn't want to take anything away from her family. I didn't want to become the center of attention as my sobs might become too loud. I haven't been to a funeral since Owen's funeral 2 years ago. 


This morning I woke up angry. Hostile. I felt my stomach and wondered why it feels flatter than it has in the past few weeks. Maybe this child has died too. 
Why hope, why desire anything when it seems like he doesn't care about my desires or hopes at all? 

I know I probably shouldn't publish this post...I know a lot of you think I am strong and my faith is so great.
I am not. It is not.
I am struggling. I feel like I've been wrestling with God for the past few days and today, I just feel like giving up. 

Okay, God, if you feel you must take this child home too, then do it.

I'm tried of trying to convince you to let me raise this child. I'm tried of begging for this child to live. I can't change what you've ordained and I can't understand any of it. 



If you can pray, please pray for K. and her family. The funeral is in one hour. Another funeral. Another saying goodbye. 

13 comments:

paige said...

one thing about God that i've found to be true is that He is good. i'm not typing that to sound trite, though i know it does.
The day that i realized that the grief is temporary - but the gift of my wee ones is eternal - was a huge turning point for me. It was like what Jesus said to Peter? about having in mind the things of men rather than the things of God... we can be so short sighted.
Anxiety is not cool - neither is grief & anger & hurt & turmoil. i feel for you today in the midst of the storm & you're right - He's big enough to carry you & your hurt - & he's full of enough tender mercy to save each one of your tears.

Rachel said...

Ebe -
You're not a failure, you're human and everything your thinking and feeling is normal. If you were perfect in your faith, would you really need it? If you totally understood God, wouldn't that make you God? Sounds heretical, but I hope I made my point. Praying that you are able to have hope for the future and for this baby. Praying also for K and her family.

Wendee said...

I'm praying for K and her family. And I'm thinking of you ALWAYS.

Anna said...

Praying...for K and her family as well as you. And sending lots of hugs.

sjefferson said...

Ebe...

I'm am praying for K and her family. I'm sure this is totally devastating.

I'm also praying for you! I haven't walked your road, but we share the same worries, pleadings and prayers. I felt weary of pleading for a baby, now that I'm pregnant I feel weary of pleading for his safe arrival. EVERYONE keeps telling me how small I am for 20 weeks with this look of or horror at my belly. Which leads me into this long spill about how sick I was, that I'm seeing a perinatologist b/c we had twins and he's fine, etc., I even thought my stomach looked smaller today than the day before and worried if everything was okay. My friend Tracy, who lost her sweet Adam stillborn, told me 'pregnancy and motherhood is like an open wound'...and IT IS!!! Especially with the loss you guys have known!! Like I wrote in my post a week or so ago, God knows we have these doubts and concerns about Him, about His plans...none of that is a surprise to Him. So, why not own how you actually feel? Writing out and expressing what He already knows is healthy and frankly the honest thing to do. It totally sucks to feel so worried all the time! It really is a moment by moment thing for me. My thoughts can in a split second lead to loss of this baby -- even though everything is perfectly fine, he kicks like a soccer champ, and moves around like a synchronized swimmer. I can't imagine having experienced your loss. But do know that you ARE NOT alone in the weary of worry and weariness of seeing loss! I really do mean it when I tell you that I think of you often and pray for you when the Lord brings you to mind.

Susan said...

Gosh, I'm so sorry I didn't get here to read this earlier. I will pray. (I have been praying.) Hang in there, sister, there are MANY who are lifting you up, so that we can help carry you when your load is too heavy.

Keisha Valentina said...

Oh precious friend,

I understand this place.

There are few words... I am in prayer.

Hope.

There is always hope.

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." ~Proverbs 13:12

Praying for that longing to be quenched and for peace in the waiting... "for that day when all will be made right."

And it will... rest assured, it will.

Sara said...

Ebe,
I have said the same exact things you have. About a month ago, I felt I was just wrestling and fighting with God... My dad told me that is fine... but you won't win. Yah, I know Dad... But Ebe, He knows your heart, worries, fears, desires, He knows it all. It is ok to verbalize it all to him. But I am praying too that you will hold onto HOPE. Don't let it go Ebe, that is the faith that we share... trusting in things unseen. His will, will be done, but we must continue to HOPE, tell him our desires and allow HIM to work. He loves you EBE, no matter if it feels like it or not. HE does, he loves you with a fierce love of a father... so much more so than you and Chris even love Owen. I know that is hard to imagine and believe with all He has allowed on your path, but He does. And He is going to use you in mighty ways my friend. Know that I am praying for you right now... Praying for Satan to leave you alone... Praying for the Lord to send you peace amidst the trial right now. Praying for you and that precious little one you are growing. Sending hugs ebe!

Clinging to HOPE with you,
Sara

L Musgrove said...

Oh friend, I am so saddened to hear about dear K. I know she has been so kind and loving to you and Chris. Oh, my heart just breaks for her. I will be praying. And I'll pray for you what I wish I remembered to pray for myself - that He will show you His great love for you in a way that is understandable ... especially when He seems so terribly un-understandable so often. I'll pray that for you, you pray that for me, and remember, you are not alone ... just beautifully honest ... and an encouragement to those like me stumbling along the path of His hard, but loving Providence. I'll call you later today if I am not struggling too much myself. Pick up if you want to.

Thankful that His love for me is not dependent on my love for Him, but on Christ alone .... we are free dear friend, truly free. May He use us to remind each other of that glorious, though often seemingly hidden truth.

Love you, Chris and the tiniest one.

Devon said...

i think all of us with a strong faith have at some point questioned our God, fought with him, yelled at him...i think its normal. our children are gone. and now we've been given this new gift and we want to scream...we beg, we plead and yet we know that won't help one little bit...

as i lay in the hospital for 4 weeks pre-viability on mag, i begged God each and every day to bring a baby home. it was the most horrific experience. *almost* worse then the actual death of my children. only because i knew what it felt like to lose a child and i did not want to go through it again...to start all over.

be honest with us. we are here for you. we appreciate your vulnerable heart. ((hugs))

Chris said...

Psalm 56:8 (Show me Psalm 56)
You have kept count of my tossings;[1] put my tears in your bottle. Are they not in your book?

I love you Sweet Babe and our (as our dear friend Linda says) our "Tiniest One".

PAPA

Mrs. MK said...

Reading to my two older sons today in Revelation....

Heaven is so close I can almost taste it...It's real....this is what is passing....He will wipe each tear from our eyes, there will be no night there. We will be restored!!! Days like these can only be survived with hope for that Day!

My prayers and much love for you, your husband and children!

Ebe said...

Thank you all...

thank you.