This was the night Owen died. Technically this picture was taken 4-5 hours after Owen had entered Heaven's gates. He was already snuggled up with Jesus when Chris went around and took snapshots of our very cramped, very expectant apartment as we waited for Owen's arrival. We didn't know he was gone...
This past weekend we went through Owen's things. It's not the first time I've opened up the containers holding all his clothes, blankets, and sheets; but it was an extremely emotional experience because this time we were going through his things with the intention of getting out what we could use for his little sister. Taking his clothes, one by one, out of the container was such a surreal experience. He didn't get to wear anyone of them.
I remember picking out his clothes, washing and folding them, and putting them neatly away into his dresser...it was just the day before he died.
The day before he died, all his laundry had just been finished. I picked out the cute blue sheets with the cars on them. I thought he would like them the best. I could imagine bringing him home from the hospital and putting him to sleep in his crib, on these sheets. It was a beautiful daydream, something I thought would be reality very soon.
November 4, 2007 It was a Sunday night. We had gotten back in town from my parents in time to go to our (then monthly) Sunday night fellowship at church. When we got home, I decided that I was too tired to go. Really, I remember just being really excited and anxious to get Owen's things in order before Monday morning and the work week. My mom had done a lot of buying for her first grandchild, so we came home with a ton of clothes and things that weekend. Things that included blue sheets with cars on them. I folded his little onesies into the dresser and decided that I wanted to put sheets on the crib. I was ready.
Chris came home and I was so excited to show him all I had done. The clothes in the dresser. The sheets on the crib. The smile on his face was priceless.
The next day Owen was gone. Just like that.
He was dying when I thought he was playing around in my tummy like usual. I remember those last three kicks. I remember laughing at my silly boy. I thought he was just playing.
I carry so much guilt from that day. So much regret.
Four days ago, when I pulled out those blue sheets my heart nearly broke all over again. I dissolved into a puddle in my husband's arms. There were so many thoughts and emotions running through my head, I still can't articulate it all.
There's so much to say about the pain and the sadness, the ache that lives in my heart. Equally, there's so much to say about the little girl growing in my womb, the little girl who will wear her big brother's clothes, hand-me-downs that were never worn.