Thursday, January 21, 2010

Blue sheets

This was the night Owen died. Technically this picture was taken 4-5 hours after Owen had entered Heaven's gates. He was already snuggled up with Jesus when Chris went around and took snapshots of our very cramped, very expectant apartment as we waited for Owen's arrival. We didn't know he was gone...

This past weekend we went through Owen's things. It's not the first time I've opened up the containers holding all his clothes, blankets, and sheets; but it was an extremely emotional experience because this time we were going through his things with the intention of getting out what we could use for his little sister. Taking his clothes, one by one, out of the container was such a surreal experience. He didn't get to wear anyone of them.

I remember picking out his clothes, washing and folding them, and putting them neatly away into his was just the day before he died.
The day before he died, all his laundry had just been finished. I picked out the cute blue sheets with the cars on them. I thought he would like them the best. I could imagine bringing him home from the hospital and putting him to sleep in his crib, on these sheets. It was a beautiful daydream, something I thought would be reality very soon.

November 4, 2007 It was a Sunday night. We had gotten back in town from my parents in time to go to our (then monthly) Sunday night fellowship at church. When we got home, I decided that I was too tired to go. Really, I remember just being really excited and anxious to get Owen's things in order before Monday morning and the work week. My mom had done a lot of buying for her first grandchild, so we came home with a ton of clothes and things that weekend. Things that included blue sheets with cars on them. I folded his little onesies into the dresser and decided that I wanted to put sheets on the crib. I was ready.
Chris came home and I was so excited to show him all I had done. The clothes in the dresser. The sheets on the crib. The smile on his face was priceless.

The next day Owen was gone. Just like that.

He was dying when I thought he was playing around in my tummy like usual. I remember those last three kicks. I remember laughing at my silly boy. I thought he was just playing.
I carry so much guilt from that day. So much regret.

Four days ago, when I pulled out those blue sheets my heart nearly broke all over again. I dissolved into a puddle in my husband's arms. There were so many thoughts and emotions running through my head, I still can't articulate it all.

There's so much to say about the pain and the sadness, the ache that lives in my heart. Equally, there's so much to say about the little girl growing in my womb, the little girl who will wear her big brother's clothes, hand-me-downs that were never worn.

I would really love to do something with those blue sheets. My first thought was to make them into a blanket, but maybe you guys have some good ideas. I could use some help as my brain is functioning at a pretty basic level these days. I guess maybe it's in survival mode.


Kelly said...

You have such a talent for conveying your feelings through writing. I can not begin to imagine the pain that you have gone through but what you describe brings me to tears every time I read it. I'm just so sorry it's what you are living and that you are in so much pain.

You asked about Owen's sheets. I'm not sure how original these ideas are or how you would feel about them, but what about a pillow or an ornament to hang on your Christmas tree? I've also seen fabric put inside a picture frame and hung on a wall. Just some thoughts.

dorothe said...

E, I just left you an e-mail with an idea I had. Love, D.

sjefferson said...


My friend, here in Atlanta, took some of her favorite onsies, blankets and sheets and had a quilt made. If you're interested I could pass the ladies name along to you that made it. Just a thought...

I've been thinking of you so much lately and praying for you and that sweet baby girl!


The Blue Sparrow said...

I like the quilt idea too. Praying for your peace in the next few days as you relive the sweet memories of Owens birth into heaven. *HUGS*

Mrs. MK said...

A quilt or wall hanging would be cute, but also you could line a deep frame called a shadow box with the sheet fabric and then put pictures, or clothes, shoes or any other small things in it and hang it on the wall.

I don't have anything that was Ellie's....I was still waiting. I regret that very much. This baby (yes, I'm 7 weeks!! :-) is going to have something, no matter what!

Sara said...

I am grieving with you... sometimes the feelings can be just as fresh as the day it happened... I can't wait for you to be able to tell sweet Hannah Mae about her precious brother... Praying for your heart dear friend. Jesus is holding you just like sweet Owen... isn't it cook that He can hold us all, here on earth and in Heaven:) ... all at the same time. Can't wait to see you!

Katie said...

I'm not very crafty and have no ideas what to make but the suggestions sound lovely. Just wanted to say you are a beautiful child of God, Mother, Wife, and writer. Take good care of your heart.

Denise said...

Why not use the sheets for Hannah Mae? It would kind of be like she was "snuggling up" with her big brother... but maybe that would be too painful for you and you want to start fresh with pink sheets. Anyway, it was just a thought I had....

Denise said...

Why not use the sheets for Hannah Mae? It would kind of be like she was "snuggling up" with her big brother... but maybe that would be too painful for you and you want to start fresh with pink sheets. Anyway, it was just a thought I had....

Laurie said...

I have seen people sew stuffed bears out of a sheet of fabric. I have one in baseball print in my son's room and minnie print in my daughters that my mother found at a craft fair.

I bet if you went to and looked up "fabric bears" or fabric stuffed animals you would find someone that makes these. I would email her and ask if you could mail her Owen's sheets and she could do one up that would last forever and could be something that Hannah gets to play with and hold.

Laurie said...

this is what I am talking about. You have a ton to choose from in various price ranges and I am sure they would do a custom sew of your own fabric.

Keisha Valentina said...

Oh Ebe,

I am so sorry.

You honor him well with your words.

There are tears as I write this.

I am so sorry he is gone.

I cannot wait to see you hold him in heaven! My heart aches for those moments... when all will be made right.

Oh how I long for you to hold Hannah Mae in this life!

Sweet Jesus, be with Ebe tonight.

Noelle said...

This is a beautiful post.

I cannot imagine the pain that you have endured with losing your Owen. I cannot imagine being able to live through that.

I pray that this pregnancy will be very uneventful for you and that you will be holding a squirming baby at the end of it.

Thank you for the beautiful comment on my blog.