Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Holding the others

Remember when I wrote about this friend back in March? Her baby boy was born a couple of days before Owen's 2nd birthday. He is almost exactly 2 years younger than Owen.
And now he's 2 months old.

We went out to lunch with them the other day. All of them.
When they came in, my eyes immediately went to the car seat in their arms. My head flooded with emotion and I didn't know exactly how I felt. Mostly I was curious, I guess, to see how I would react when I saw him close up.

He's not the first baby boy I've held since Owen, but for some reason I was both eager and hesitant to get my arms around him. Each day that brings us closer to having Hannah in our arms makes me more and more eager to hold babies. Weird, right? It has been years since I've had the desire to even be around babies and now I find myself anxious to have the weight of a baby in my arms again.

He was soft and warm. A cuddly little guy with wide eyes and pink skin. I loved holding him...
and at the same time, it hurt. a lot.

Days later, it still hurts.

The longer I held him, the longer he was near me cooing and wriggling, the more my heart ached and pounded with emotion. As time wore on, I just couldn't handle being near him any longer. It was such a strange reaction since I had really enjoyed holding him close.

I gave Chris the signal that I was ready to go and thankfully, he knows me well enough that he understood and we came home. Home to our quiet empty apartment.

Every night I pray that our quiet apartment will be alive with noise and joy and laughter in the very near future...
17 more weeks to go.


JamieW said...

This post made me cry. It made me cry on so many levels. I cried for your pain. I cried for the thought of you holding your own newborn soon. I cried for all the innocence and peace that has been lost by all of us.

Sara said...

Wow, I can't believe that you are already getting close enough to say 17 weeks. Keep persevering will get there... you are making it. I appreciate your honestly in sharing your true emotions. There is something about holding a baby that you have to hand back over... I feel you you sweetie. God will continue to hold you close until you get to hold that sweet Hannah Mae close... and then He will keep holding you close... Sending prayers! Thiking of sweet Owen.

The Blue Sparrow said...

I know what you mean. For me it depends on the baby and the timing whether or not this bothers me. Thinking of you *HUGS*

Tonya said...

I'm praying that same thing for you and Chris. I took a meal to my neighbor the other night. I really wanted to hold her baby boy, but I just couldn't that day. Hopefully I'll be able to soon. I really want to.

Love you!