Over the summer, I made a really dumb mistake on our computer and deleted all our pictures. Yes, you read that right. I deleted them all. Not only did I feel like an idiot, but I was so freaked out about all the pictures we had taken during my pregnancy with Owen. Fortunately, I knew my pictures of Owen were safe because I had downloaded them onto an internet photo album thingy.
Chris took our computer to one of those computer genius type people and he was able to recover all of our pictures. Unfortunately, he put them into a folder in random order. I have been working for what seems like years putting all our pictures back in order on our photo browser. Yes, it does suck, thanks for asking.
I am so thankful that we were able to recover all our pictures, but going through them again has been really hard. Not just because it's giving me carpal tunnel and it's a freakin tedious job, but because I've been going back in time to 2007 a lot. So many of our pictures are from that year. The year we had Owen.
The ones that hurt the most are the ones from the day Owen died. We didn't know he was gone. I didn't know...
I wanted Chris to take some pictures of us together that night. He was getting so big and I was so happy that we were so close to having him in our arms. I just didn't know...
I just keep running that whole day over and over again in my head. That night. That horrible night when I thought the world was just as it should be. My face in some of these pictures is pure bliss. I was so happy. I can feel my heart breaking all over again looking at the face that didn't know her son was dead. She didn't know that in 12 hours her life would over as she knew it.
I wish I could write something redemptive at the end of this post...I really want to.
But you all know the truth. I know the truth. Owen is alive and we will get to hold him in our arms again and see life in his eyes.
Tonight, I'm in a funk and can't feel anything but sadness and longing.