Friday, January 8, 2010

In a funk

Over the summer, I made a really dumb mistake on our computer and deleted all our pictures. Yes, you read that right. I deleted them all.  Not only did I feel like an idiot, but I was so freaked out about all the pictures we had taken during my pregnancy with Owen. Fortunately, I knew my pictures of Owen were safe because I had downloaded them onto an internet photo album thingy.
Chris took our computer to one of those computer genius type people and he was able to recover all of our pictures. Unfortunately, he put them into a folder in random order. I have been working for what seems like years putting all our pictures back in order on our photo browser. Yes, it does suck, thanks for asking.

I am so thankful that we were able to recover all our pictures, but going through them again has been really hard. Not just because it's giving me carpal tunnel and it's a freakin tedious job, but because I've been going back in time to 2007 a lot. So many of our pictures are from that year. The year we had Owen.
Owen's year.


The ones that hurt the most are the ones from the day Owen died. We didn't know he was gone. I didn't know...
I wanted Chris to take some pictures of us together that night. He was getting so big and I was so happy that we were so close to having him in our arms. I just didn't know...




I just keep running that whole day over and over again in my head. That night. That horrible night when I thought the world was just as it should be. My face in some of these pictures is pure bliss. I was so happy. I can feel my heart breaking all over again looking at the face that didn't know her son was dead. She didn't know that in 12 hours her life would over as she knew it.


I wish I could write something redemptive at the end of this post...I really want to.

But you all know the truth. I know the truth. Owen is alive and we will get to hold him in our arms again and see life in his eyes.


Tonight, I'm in a funk and can't feel anything but sadness and longing.

10 comments:

Sara said...

I am with you Ebe... praying for you! The pictures are absolutely beautiful Ebe, but really I have to think that the pictures of you now are just as beautiful because in them is a woman who the Lord has grown, sustained and carried and continues to. Your life is richer for all you have been through... more painful, but such growth in that pain. I love the new you... I love the old you. God does too!

Thank you for being honest and candid... I can relate to the sadness and longing. Praying for you!
Sara

Erika said...

(((hugs))) i have photos like that, too. photos where i just didn't KNOW what was coming and i had the biggest, dumb grin on my face. it is SO hard to look at those photos. as if they are from a different lifetime- a different person. you look beautiful then and now- but i know what you mean. it is so painful. (((hugs)))

-erika

littletinyfootprints.blogspot.com

Chris said...

Oh, how I love you my precious Ebe.
PAPA

The Blue Sparrow said...

(((BIG HUGS)))

Rebecca said...

I don't have any pictures of myself while I was pregnant with Olivia. I guess it's because I'm always the one behind the lens. I look at other pictures of myself "before" with longing though. I looked so happy. So blissfully unaware.

Will we ever look that way again?

Miranda said...

Ebe,

I hate being in a funk..I have been in one too this past week. It's so hard to get out of. I too feel your pain. I long for Caleb and the days before I lost my innocence and I was blissful thinking the world was just right. Little did we know what pain we had coming to us for the rest of our lives. God can shine through our pain though and I can see that Him shining through yours. Owen IS very much alive and I look forward to the when when we will see him and Caleb and all of our babies in Heaven. Can't wait to see you again! Praying for you always.

Love,
Miranda

Keisha Valentina said...

Much love to you tonight beautiful sister and remembering him always.

Tonya said...

I'm so sorry you've been in a funk. They're so hard to go through. I hope you're feeling a little better now. I hate that you have to go back and reorganize those pictures, but I'm so happy for you that they were saved. Hope to see you soon. Praying for you!

Love,
Tonya

Once A Mother said...

oh ebe, so much of this resonated with me. the feelings of looking at pictures of yourself, and not recognizing how that felt. the inability to find healing and redemptive words in the face of such horrific loss. Wonder at how so much sadness could have been on the horizon without us, as mothers, knowing.

my heart broke with this post... could you have been any cuter in these? that is what is so upsetting, how none of this is as it should be. There should be a baby book with these pictures of Owen inside you as the beginning of the story, not the end.

I am just heartbroken right now, thinking about you and your little boy, and wishing there was something to say, but we both know that in the face of such horrendous loss, finding the right words... it is impossible.

Wendee said...

I wish I knew the right things to say to make things just a little more bearable for the both of us... Just know that I think of you, Chris, and your 4 babies always.