Tuesday, January 26, 2010

lots of thoughts

Thank you all for your thoughtful suggestions about what to do with Owen's blue sheets. I'm thinking that what I would like best is a blanket/quilt that I can cuddle with...one big enough that Hannah Mae, her daddy and I can all cuddle under.

I have Owen's blanket (and yes, its name is 'Owen's blanket'), the one the hospital wrapped him in after he was born. I sleep with it every night and I even take it with me when we go on overnight trips. I just can't leave it behind. It's not as soft as it was when he had it. I still remember the silky touch of the blanket on my skin as I cuddled my little boy. It smelled like him for months and months, but now it has taken on the familiar smells of our home.
All this to say, Owen's blanket has been a security blanket and I have no idea when I'll be able to give it up (sleeping with it, that is) and I'd like to share something of Owen's with his little sister. That's why I think having his blue sheets made into something that we can all use and enjoy would be really special.

After going through all of Owen's things last weekend, I've been thinking a lot about the things that hold special meaning for us.
Of course, there's all the things we bought in anticipation of having him home with us. His dresser, crib, clothes, blankets, sheets and even his silly little bobby pillow.
There are the things we received after he died...the blankets he was wrapped in, his memory box, the pictures of him and us together, and the plants we received at his funeral.

There's something else that holds a lot of meaning for me. It's something that may seem a little weird, but it's my hair. I started growing it out the year I got pregnant with Owen.
I've always had long hair then drastically short hair. I like the growing out process and then the release when it all falls away.
That's what I had just done when in the months before I got pregnant with Owen, in the winter of 2006-07. I don't have a good picture of my short hair when I was newly pregnant with Owen, but here is one with me at 13 weeks with him; this is May 2007 (to be exact, this is May 8, 2007... Lord willing, Hannah Mae will be home with us this May 8).

My hair is now half way down my back. I've gotten a few trims; probably one every 4-6 months, but I haven't cut it since before Owen came into our hearts.

And I'm attached.

I have an emotional attachment to my hair. There...I admit it.

This isn't the best picture. It was taken about a month ago. Pay no attention to the sweatshirt and the goofy grin.

I've been thinking a lot about my hair lately. It's pretty long, and somedays, I'll admit it's unmanageable. Then there are the days when I don't feel like doing anything with it, so up it goes into the world's largest ponytail or my old lady bun, which by the way, I love.

Lately, I've been wondering what it's going to be like to have a newborn (practically speaking). I have no idea... and I often wonder, will my crazy long hair get in the way? Will she pull it? Will it get in the way when she's eating?

And here's the big question...do I still need my hair? Is it time for a change? Is it time to let go of the emotional attachment?

It's not a letting go of Owen or my memories of him. It's not a 'moving on' thing. Have I ever said how much I hate the phrase 'moving on'? I take Owen everywhere I go. He is a part of me like nothing else could be. Not clothes, or blankets or even hair. Hair is physical. It dies, grows anew, is cut and is constantly changing.
My love for Owen, my memories of him and most importantly the hope I have in seeing him again is unchanging and will never die.

I told my hairdresser (the one I've had for 4 years) that I was thinking about cutting my hair and let's put it mildly and say she had a small reaction to my thoughts. She told me that she never cuts a pregnant woman's hair other than trims. I guess I understand that. I mean, we have a lot of hormones running around and making snap decisions about something could take months and months to change might turn into a bad situation.
But I've been thinking about this for months. Probably since I found out I was pregnant with Hannah Mae. I still have time, 14 weeks time, so I'm still considering my options. Continuing to let it grow is one option, but for how long? Eventually, I'll have to stop the madness. I can't very well have hair down to my knees.
One very dramatic option, the one I've been turning over in my head lately, is to cut my hair the week before (or gasp, even the day before) my scheduled induction in May. I just don't know...

Oh, speaking of inductions, I had a pretty good dream last night. I was in the hospital getting induced with Hannah Mae. There was a lot of fear in the dream. Pretty vivid fear, but there was also so much hope and joy. We had made it!

One last random thought:
I can hardly contain my excitement as I'm going over to Tonya's house in a few hours to meet Sara ! How awesome is our God? It's amazing to see the bonds of friendship and community that started here on this blog and have grown into real life friendships.
Another sweet friend, Miranda, is coming over to my house tomorrow. I met Miranda through Tonya, and I met Tonya through our blogs. Miranda is bringing her 7 week old son too. We are overjoyed at his safe arrival, and seeing his precious face brings me so much hope for Hannah Mae.


Emily said...

Hair does seem trivial, but for some reason, it does have significance in my life. (Mine is about as long as yours). I can look at the ends of it and do the math (1/2 an inch of growth per month) and think back to whenever that hair was just starting to grow out of my scalp. It's sort of a connection to the past for me. (Hmmmm... now that I write that, it sounds really weird).

If you decide to hack it all later on down the road, then donating to Locks of Love would be a beautiful option.

Mrs. MK said...

Your hair is pretty and special, too. I would wait to cut it...till everything calms down. Besides, nothing's much easier than the 'old lady bun', eh? (my hair's in one today!)

The Blue Sparrow said...

Isnt it funny the things we associtate with our babies. They may seem silly to others but I totally understand how even hair can become something attached with your sweet Owen. I think that if your ready then go right ahead. Do whatever you need to do, Im sure you will look beautiful either way, even if its down to your knees ;P

Tonya said...

Oh, what a GREAT time I had last night!!! The time was just too short!

I don't know what to tell you about the hair. I, however, wouldn't necessarily encourage you to cut it right before Hannah Mae's birth because what if it's hard to manage and then you're trying to take care of a newborn, too. I got a TERRIBLE haircut right before Jessica was born. I'm not saying don't cut it...I just wouldn't recommend something drastic right before her birth. That's my two-cents, for what it's worth.

I hope you and Miranda had a nice visit today. Wish I could have been there!

Love you!

Miranda said...

Oh Ebe,

Sorry we didn't get together today..I wanted to make sure that we had plenty of time to hang out. I look forward to seeing you tomorrow...I am thinking about the "hair thing" and will let you know what I think tomorrow. It is a big deal though, I agree with that!!


Sara said...

I have a blanket that I sleep with too, that was made for samuel...

Ebe, what an absolute treat and Gift from God to see you in person last night... it blessed me greatly! It was way too fast...

Praying for you and sweet growing Hannah Mae:) (Now I can say I met her and felt her sweet little foot or hand hit me:) YEAH!!