Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Not my first



     This is 19 weeks with Owen                                           This is 19 weeks with Hannah Mae
7/12/2007                                                                              1/3/2010

Maybe it's not as obvious in a picture but I am a lot bigger with Hannah Mae than I was with Owen. Anyways, I feel a lot bigger with this little girl than I did with Owen. I mean, seriously, I wasn't even really showing with Owen at this stage. I don't think I 'showed' until 25-26 weeks with him. I went to the beach at 18 weeks pregnant with him, wore my regular bathing suit (a two piece) and no one could tell I was pregnant. I could not get away with that now. Depending upon what I wear now, I can get by without looking pregnant (I think). There are actually a few people at church that didn't know I was pregnant until last week. There are probably still a few people that don't know yet, which suits me just fine because the stupid insensitive oblivious comments have begun and I'm not looking forward to getting any more of them. *sigh*

Over Thanksgiving, I was talking/venting to my mom about the crazy things people say and the vibe I get from people when they talk to me about Hannah Mae. I told her that I feel like people are acting as if Hannah Mae is my first baby, my first pregnancy (this feeling has only been validated not discredited by two comments from this past weekend).
Someone, who knows full well about Owen, actually told me after they heard she's a girl that their first baby was a girl too. Um...hello...my first baby was Owen. A boy.
I was flabbergasted. Luckily, God was gracious to me and this woman- I did not bite her head off and I was able to respond politely, 'No, my first baby was a boy, Owen. I had a boy first and now I'm having a girl.'
'Of course, of course' was her response.
Yes, well, that's not what it sounded like to me.


I know I need to be more gracious with people. I can imagine that I'm not the easiest person to talk to, but seriously, I am struggling to believe that these people are even trying to be sensitive and think about what's coming out of their mouths.

I could take up a few hours and vent some more about the crazy things people say, but I don't think I would feel any better and I know it wouldn't do anyone any good.

*big sigh*

Please pray for me as I attempt to be gracious in the presence of ignorant, well meaning people. I will pray for you too...

I have to try and remember that I was once in their same club. I didn't understand either. I most likely thought all kinds of crazy things and probably said some of them out loud too.




And because I need some levity in my life and because some of you really enjoyed my Maggie and me picture from last week...here's two more of us practicing our baby holding skills. It's not easy to football hold a cat, let me tell you. And as for the upside down cat one, I have no excuse.



12 comments:

Miranda said...

It is shocking the things that people will say! How I wish that everyone understood our pain but they just don't and it's hard to give them grace in the mist of our own suffering. We do know the One who understands and we can take it all to Him. Praying for your continued tolerance and understanding!

Love,
Miranda

Sara said...

Ebe, Tonya and I just had a conversation about this exact thing... the crazy and discouraging things people say... UGH! It just wears me out, I tell you. My brother called me the other day to tell me he would be praying that I could be gracious to the people who say such disheartening things... it has started with HOPE already. I knew it would, but was hoping it wouldn't. It is hard to be gracious. I will pray for that for both of us.

By the way, I think you look beautiful with that ever growing tummy... just precious.
Sara

Jennifer said...

You look so beautiful, Ebe! I pray for you continuously.

I understand the "ignorant comments" thing. From people telling me that "God probably took Kyler because he might've had a terminal illness later on in life", or as we are waiting on our daughter from China, people have said, "just wait until you have 2 children", and these are people who know about Kyler. Also, when people hear about us adopting Kylie, they will ask, "So is Karsten your REAL son?" (No, they are all fake). Kylie is just as much our's as Karsten and Kyler are. All children are from God. But thankfully, too, God has controlled my tongue and I have answered gracefully such as, "Karsten is our biological child."

Hang in there, Ebe! I will be praying for you in regards to that matter. God uses people like you and me to show compassion and mercy to others, although it is hard sometimes.

I love the name Hannah Mae. The Lord is our rock and refuge and He is taking care of you and Hannah. It's such peace knowing that He is sovereign and in control.

Love,
Jennifer

Laurie said...

Still waiting for Maggie in a baby bjorn...seriously that cat CRACKS me up. I told my husband that if I ever get a cat I want a big fat one named "Meatball."

Love it!!

Just as long as Maggie doesn't make the "Breastfeeding" pose, we will not think you have fallen off your rocker. :)

Leah Lane said...

Ebe,

I have often told Tonya that I would like to co-author a book with her on what stupid, insensitive things people say. Does that sound very gracious?! I have a baby who was born with a facial deformity and although I don't share the same situation with you I do share the hardship of trying to respond to comments. God has used these situations to teach me LOTS of lessons! I am praying daily for you!

Praying health and safety over you and Hannah Mae,
Leah Lane

The Blue Sparrow said...

I struggle too with some of things that people say to me. I have to remind myself, ALOT, that they mean well and that they have no idea just how hurtful some of the things they say are. I will be praying for your and my continued strenght in dealing with these comments. *HUGS*

Anna said...

Request added to my prayer list!

I need prayers in this area too. The insensitive comments are so tough. So far I've dealt okay with them when people say them... but sometimes I harbor a lot of resentment in my heart for awhile afterward.

Love Hugs & Prayers
Anna

Cecilia said...

I came over from Tonya's blog and wanted to say hello. I know how frustrating others statements can be, but it sounds like you have handled them graciously. I'm working on that balance of tolerating others while still honoring our Ethan's memory. I will pray for you and your family in the coming months.

Ruth said...

Looks like you're a real pro with the kitty-holding!

Freya said...

I empathize about the comments-I feel like almost no-one (excepting my Husband, who seems to be gifted by G-d in this area) ever says the right thing or when they do--they say it un-gently or 3 months later than I wanted them too.
To be fair though, I think for people who have not had loss, (or losses) they just aren't sensitive--or sensitive enough--to your sensitivity about the issue. I know people who have had normal and totally uneventful pregnancies one after the other, so they just don't even conceive of how sensitive I am about my own losses.
I think it's our gain that we can both:
a) be super sensitive towards other people who have had this type of loss
and,
b) teach people who aren't sensitive (when it's appropriate). I often will tell my friends when they did or did NOT do or say what I needed them to, and explain that I just wanted them to express that they care, even if they never understand. With people at Church, if I don't know them well, I just let it lie.
Super-fun cat pictures!
I think that's awesome that Hannah Mae is making herself known to the world so soon. Go, Hannah Mae! =)
Looking at those pictures is pretty incredible, 2 yrs. and 6 months apart, look at how far G-d has brought you.
You are smiling in both!

~Freya

Susan said...

These kitty pictures are cracking me up!

My parents were in a car accident many years ago (long before I was born) and lost my sister, who was 6 months old at the time. When my mom became pregnant again, people would say the most rude, hurtful things! The one that cut the deepest, for my mom, was after my brother was born and people would say, "Too bad you didn't have a girl, to replace Jill."

Uhh... what?! Nothing ever takes the place of a lost child. Nothing ever takes away the sting, nothing ever makes you forget. It is most definitely one of those things that you just cannot understand until you've lived it.

I'm so sorry for all the stupid things people say. I pray that the comments are very few and far between and that you are able to respond gracefully when the comments do come.

(((HUGS)))

--Susan

Ebe said...

Thank you all so much for your encouragement. I hate that we're all in this same boat, but if we're here then I'm glad we have each other.


I guess I should go ahead and admit that I'm a crazy cat lady...but I guess you already figured that one out. ;)