Friday, February 26, 2010

Turn it off!

We had a scare yesterday. And I'm still reeling. The aftershocks of being that scared are really hard to shake. I hesitate to even blog about this because at the moment I'm fairly calm. I don't want to go there.

Though it's lessened, I still can't seem to turn it off. The fear, the worry, the thoughts, the FEAR. I'm pretty sure I had a panic attack this afternoon. I couldn't stop the thoughts. They took over and all I could hear in my head was the negative; the things that could go wrong, things that might be happening as a lie in bed feeling Hannah's movements. I started to get shaky and nauseated. Then the tears came. The ugly-can't stop-have trouble breathing-don't know what you're saying through sobbing-tears.

I've since calmed down...I started to pray (Chris was praying too and I'm pretty sure he called my friend L. to pray too) and I felt the calm come, slowly but it has come. I'm still feeling fairly anxious (more than usual) and the thoughts of what could happen are still here.

About a week ago, Chris accused me of being a kick junkie; always waiting for Hannah's next kick. I would feel her move, rejoice and revel in it and then the next minute, I was waiting for the next.

Since yesterday's scare when Hannah made some movements I've never felt before and I really thought that she was in distress, I've been anxious over each movement she makes. I know this can all be traced back to Owen's death. I remember his last movements. The ones I thought he was playing and being silly in reality were movements of distress when he was dying.

The feelings of anxiety when she doesn't move are just as bad as the anxiety I feel when she does move.

I'm so tired of being on edge. I know I don't feel this bad all the time and I know that not every day in between now and Hannah's birth will this scary and anxiety-ridden, but right now.... this really sucks. I'm so READY for her safe arrival. I just want her to make it here alive. And, I know how this will sound, but if I could induce next week I would. I just want her to make it out of my body alive.

I almost ended the post with the previous sentence, but it just felt too morbid. Seriously, though, that's how I feel. I feel like a death trap. My body doesn't feel like the safest place for her and I'm worried that the longer she stays in, the more danger there is. Irrational? Maybe. Valid? Who knows... but with my experience with Owen, it feels very true.

I am really praying that these feelings and thoughts would stay away for the next 9 weeks and 4 days. Please keep praying for us. I know you are... and you don't know how much that means to us. Thank you for being such loving and supportive friends.

20 comments:

Devon said...

i can understand your heart...

my babies didn't die in the womb but i was scared to death that sweet pea wouldn't make it out alive. so i can only imagine the anxiety and fear that you have...

horrible reality we live with, huh?

praying for you as you embark upon these final weeks....knowing how scary they are...all i can offer is to just give it to him, pray your way through it...

Kelly said...

You are in my thoughts and prayers. I can only imagine how difficult this is for you. Think of how far you've come. It's one day closer to having a healthy baby in your arms.

Tonya said...

Oh sweet friend. I'm so sorry that you had to go throgh something so scary. Praying for you with lots of love.

Tonya

Charity said...

I'm so sorry you had such a scary experience, Ebe. Continuing to pray for you as you approach Hannah Mae's birthday...

Rachel said...

Praying, Ebe! I know those fears and anxiously await knowing that Hannah is safely in your arms!

Emily said...

You're not forgotten!

Rebecca said...

Oh, Ebe.

I'm so glad you shared. It helps us uphold you in prayer all the more effectively. I'm sorry for the fear.

You are a wonderful Mama, in case you don't hear it often. Owen, Sunshine, Chipmunk and Hannah have been and will be truly blessed.

wednesdayswithmalou said...

I'm with you, ebe. I know just the fears you are talking about and I remember thinking my body was not a safe place for my baby. Even with my doppler, I often went to my midwife or the hospital for a heartbeat check, non-stress test, or ultrasound. Thankfully they were very patient with me!
In any case, I am praying the 9 weeks fly by for you and that you still somehow manage to enjoy some of them, and that little Hannah continues to thrive.
xoxo Stephanie

Keisha Valentina said...

Precious Ebe,

I am praying.

Keep fighting sister, keep fighting.

My prayer for you this day...

“Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy.” ~Psalm 126:5

Praying for your lips to sing His praise no matter what may come but praying fervently for that blessed child to be in your arms.

Oh Jesus, be merciful! Father, we lift up Ebe to you now. Cast out her fears, lift her up. May she know without a doubt that you are carrying her. May she feel your comfort and rest in the fact that you are light, and in You there is no darkness at all.

Please bless this sweet child.

In Jesus name I pray it.

Amen.

Sara said...

Praying for you Ebe... your are precious to me and even more so to our savior... He will carry you and precious Hannah... praying for peace to fill your being. Love you friend!
Sara

sassyteach said...

the word "safe"...such a deceptive word..

The only safe place is in the arms of Our Father. Praying that you will know His safety as you fall into Him secondly.

pray the same for me, friend. :)

Post Tenebras Lux said...

Ebe, I have been praying--and will be.

Ashley said...

Oh Ebe. I am so sorry you had to go through that. I can only imagine the fear and torture you went through. So thankful she is ok! Many prayers for you all and sweet Hannah.

Love,
ashley

lovedlikethechurch said...

I'm praying and will keep praying for you, Chris and Hannah Mae. I hope it's not weird, but yesterday I totally had this imagine in my head of your Hannah being like a year old with the cutest pigtails ever. It made me smile.

lovedlikethechurch said...

I'm praying and will keep praying for you, Chris and Hannah Mae. I hope it's not weird, but yesterday I totally had this imagine in my head of your Hannah being like a year old with the cutest pigtails ever. It made me smile.

Stephanie Schupska said...

Ebe, oh, I wish I could hug you, but it's too late to drive over. I am praying - for you, for Hannah, for Chris. Hope's such a twisted thing, yeah? A bright and gloomy feeling. I'm glad God's got us in the shelter of his wing, and that, somehow, he knows what's up.

Mrs. MK said...

I am still praying, and won't stop. Love to you and Hannah Mae!

Freya said...

Sorry, Ebe. I'm praying for you.

Ebe said...

I'm overwhelmed by your love and prayers. Thank you so much.


love you all,
ebe

Chris said...

Man, I am overwhelmed too. I love you Ebe and all our precious friends. How the Lord Jesus, who sticks closer than a brother, has shown Himself and the Father's love and concern for us through them.
I love you Sweet Babe!
PAPA