Saturday, March 20, 2010

It is finally spring

On Thursday, I got the pleasure of meeting another blogging friend in person. Ashley and I have been talking about getting together for some time, but hadn't had a chance until this week. It was a sweet time. I really enjoyed getting to know her better and talking about our precious boys, but I found myself almost falling into the trap that so many well-intentioned people get themselves into. Her sweet boy, Hodges, went to be with Jesus about 6 weeks ago. He joined his big brother, Jacobsen. I just wanted to say something, anything, to comfort her. But I know there are no words that will make that hurt better. I think of Hodges and Jacobsen so often, Ashley.

Hannah Mae has been so bouncy the past few days. She loves to stretch out her arms and legs, making my belly into a strange oblong shape. She has been lying as if in a hammock ever since she was a tiny thing. All her bouncing and stretching makes me wonder if she's feeling just as restless as we are to have her in our arms.

I was talking to Tonya this week about how much longer we have until the amnio (yes, this is a frequent topic of conversation for me) and I told her we have 47 (it's now 45) days left. She laughed and said that it is definitely not her personality to already have a countdown and that it would drive her crazy.
I'm laughing right now thinking about how when Chris and I were engaged we had a tubberware container full of jellybeans that we used to count down the days until our wedding. We started at day 100. Each day, we would both eat a jellybean to signify that we were one day closer to being married and inseparable. I loved watching the jellybeans shrink in number, getting closer and closer to the big day.
I'm thinking that maybe it would be fun to re-create our jellybean game for Hannah Mae.

I have to share this too... I know I don't talk about money much here, well, except for the post a few weeks ago about seminary, but I have to talk about this because I am so encouraged and don't really understand how it's happened. We did our taxes back in January (I know! how uncharacteristic of me), but we had to get all our financial information in order because we applied for Federal Aid for school. I do our taxes around here because honestly when you don't own a home or have any investments or much money, taxes are pretty easy to do. I had figured we would get back a little money, so when our refund check came in the mail this week, I laughed hysterically and almost fell over. My first thought was this is so wrong. This is a mistake.
But it's not; and it's pretty incredible. God does provide.

I took a few days to write this post and in between when I started and now, a few things have happened.
I'm so ready for May. I had another panic attack last night and just lost it. Eventually, I was able to sleep a little, but it wasn't very restful. My eyes are so red and tired today that it's not even 9pm and I'm ready for bed. I had another NST today and Hannah Mae looks wonderful. She's doing beautifully. I spent some time talking to a nurse who was very real with me, but also very encouraging. We have an excellent plan worked out with L & D for the future and I can't tell you how much it eases my mind. I just hope I don't step another foot on that hall until the day of my induction. I don't want to leave my house for L & D again without coming home with Hannah Mae in my arms.

I feel so much like a broken record, but this is one of the hardest things I've ever done. My nerves literally feel fried. Yet I'm so thankful to be on this stressful subsequent pregnancy road... I'm just done with it and ready to move on to the new worries and struggles of mothering a living child, outside my womb.
My record player is stuck on READY READY READY READY.


Zil said...

I LOVE the jelly bean idea...

Sara said...

I am ready with you Ebe... you are always in my prayers... God will carry you through the next 45 days and beyond... You are making it girl...keep persevering:)
Love you!

Tonya said...

Sweet Ebe,

I'm so sorry satan is attacking you with worry and fear for Hannah Mae. But I'm sure anyone who has been through a subsequent pregnancy after a loss would say it's pretty normal to experience those things. NOT that it is easy! But normal. And I know you hate it! Praying for you sweet friend that the anxiety will subside and you will be able to rest those weary eyes. (((HUGS)))

I LOVE, LOVE your jelly bean idea! I say go for it!

I still hate that I couldn't make it to be with you and Ashley, but I'm so glad y'all had the chance to meet in person. I would love to plan something again soon.

Love, hugs and prayers!

Ashly said...

I clearly remember the minute by minute battle of keeping Satan out and Jesus in. It is hard!!! No one can explain it or say anything that helps. God is the only one. I'm praying for you in these last days of pregnancy and for sweet Hannah Mae!

Please email me if you have anything specific you'd like to talk about. I'm not kidding when I tell you I remember every detail of our last month of pregnancy 8 months ago. So if you'd like to talk please email!

Are you calling her Hannah Mae? or Hannah?

Can you believe all these moms that have stillborn boys and then go onto have baby girls? I wonder if there's some kind of scientific reason behind that....I read about 10-12 blogs of moms that are pregnant with or now have girls that lost boys.

Talk to you soon,

Ashley said...

I loved every minute of our time together Ebe!

Thank you for listening and being so encouraging!

We need to plan a day when we can get together again and with Tonya soon!