Tuesday, March 9, 2010

A time to prepare?

Itching to nest. Itching to wash her clothes and get things ready... itching to bring her home already!

We have eight more weekends until Lord willing Hannah is home with us and we have so much to do. I just haven't done anything. I have bags and bags and tubs and boxes full of things to put away. I have so much laundry to do. We have rearranging and setting up and cleaning that needs to get done. I have a few classes I want to take at the hospital. I also want to take an official tour of the labor and delivery unit. I can't even get myself to make a 'to-do list'. Everything is just swirling around in my head. Oh, do this. Don't forget to do that.... and then the thoughts of-
Lord, I really hope I get to do the things after the preparing.

I guess that's why I just haven't started the preparing yet. Nesting I guess is what it's called. I want to wake up in eight weeks and walk into the hospital for our induction. I don't want to prepare or nest or clean or do laundry. I just want to bring her home and worry about the rest later.

Yet, there is a small part of me (the type A organizer) who really wants to get elbow deep in baby clothes and just get on it. I want to feel the freedom that I know I have to nest.

I know that I am 100% free to get things ready for Hannah. But when you're been there before... everything was ready for Owen and then he died without needing any of it. My heart holds the memory, the fear of getting everything set up and then having an empty crib, empty womb, empty life after the death.

Sometimes, I get so angry with myself for being so fearful. I hate that I can't be happy-happy-joy-joy pregnant woman who glows with the sweet anticipation and excitement of the life she carries and of the future she sees with her baby.
I'd really like to be naive again.

A big praise, though, is that Chris and I did set up a registry for Hannah Mae. My two good friends from church have been lovingly bugging me about having a shower for Hannah. L. tells me that I wouldn't want Hannah to feel left out since Owen got to have two showers. I don't want to play favorites!
So, guess when the shower is set? Um, that would be the first weekend in May; you know the weekend before our induction... talk about the last possible time, but I think this will really help me in the last few weeks before her birth. I like knowing that we will have plans that weekend and it is something fun to look forward to.

I am finally physically recovered from the stomach flu and feeling like myself again. Emotionally, by God's grace I have pushed those deep dark ugly paralyzing fears away and I guess I just refuse to go there right now. I have had moments of breath-stealing fear since our last visit to L & D, but overall I have been distracting myself with 'stuff'. Oh, actually, the stomach flu was a good week long distraction. Strange blessing, huh?

The Lord has been holding us close these past 28 weeks and 4 days and I am so grateful for his presence. He comforts me with his Word, with the arms of my husband, with the gentle understanding of friends and with the love of his Church. You all are a part of that.
It is amazing to know him and to know him better each day.

I haven't posted a Hannah belly picture in a few weeks, so here goes.
This is 28 weeks. I was still recovering from the flu, so please excuse the lack of makeup and hazy looking eyes.
Oh, and the mess around me is what I'm referring to when I say bags and boxes and tubs full of Hannah 'stuff'.

The next few pictures we took at my parent's house last weekend. Yes, they live on a lake and yes, I'm quite jealous too. 

This last picture I threw in because I wasn't sure if you could tell just how weird Chris and I really are. But maybe you already got that from our random cat pictures. 


The Blue Sparrow said...

You look wonderful Ebe! I cant wait to see picture of you holding your precious Hannah! *HUGS*

Sara said...

YEAH FOR HANNAH MAE...SHE IS GROWING SO BEAUTIFULLY:) AND YEAH FOR YOU, YOU ARE MAKING IT EBE... ONE DAY AT A TIME. GOD IS CARRYING YOU AND I PRAY GRANTING YOU MORE AND MORE PEACE WITH EACH PASSING DAY. That is my prayer for you more and more peace as you get closer to holding that sweet precious pumpkin in your arms.
Praying Ebe... much love! Louis literally just walked up and commented on how cute Owen was:) He was beautiful... can't wait to see how much Hannah may or may not look like her big brother.

Kelly said...

It's only natural to feel what you're feeling...the hesitation and the apprehension. At the same time though, you seem so at peace with things. I admire your strength, positivity and faith. Hannah will be in your arms soon...each morning is one day closer. Get done what makes you feel comfortable. The most important thing is already prepared for her...your open, loving arms.

You look absolutely fabulous, by the way!

Charity said...

You look wonderful, Ebe!
Praying continually for you and I am so glad you have felt the Lord's presence and comfort holding you close!

Anna said...

(((hugs))) You look beautiful, recovering from the stomach bug and all! Come on May!

Love and prayers,


Anonymous said...

You look so beautiful! Looking forward to when you get to bring your sweet girl home!!

Rachel said...

You are just about the cutest pregnant woman ever! Glad you're feeling better.

I know exactly these emotions you're dealing with - I felt the same way about preparing for Caleb. And I'm a type A personality pretty much, so I wanted to get everything ready and in place, but struggled so much doing much before 35-36 weeks. I've never blogged about it before (or ever told anyone), but one of the things I thought maybe we should do, was buy the plot next to Felicity's grave in the cemetery before someone else did. Morbid, I know! But I wanted them together if they couldn't be with us. But now that Caleb's here, I can't believe I thought some of those things.

Hannah's arrival is just around the corner and I know she's going to arrive healthy and beautiful! Praying as always!

Tonya said...

I'm SO glad you're feeling better and you do look great! Are you going to do any pregnancy pics with Hannah Mae? Seeing how beautiful your parent's place is on the lake, the thought popped into my head that their house might be the perfect outdoor spot for some when the weather warms up just a bit more. Good luck deciding when to start unpacking, washing and sorting...praying for you!!!

Love and hugs!

heather ryan morse said...

i love hannah mae already! can't wait to celebrate her life with you at the shower in may! :)