I've started my to-do list and actually have crossed off a few things. I started doing some work on my classes and getting a pediatrician for Hannah Mae two weeks ago... and I completely frustrated myself in the process. I waited too long to call my preferred pediatrician, the one we picked out for Owen. And I also waited too long to take some of the classes I wanted to take before Hannah's birth. I did get into the breastfeeding class, but I couldn't get an infant/child CPR class before her birth. The next one available is in the middle of May. I pray I'll be too busy to attend. Thanks to a friend (what a HUGE help she is), I did find a good pediatrician for Hannah. We are interviewing tomorrow morning.
I hate this fear that sometimes paralyzes me into doing nothing. I hate that I let it distort my view of the present. It can take over everything.
In the midst of the fear and anxiety, we have done some things in preparation of bringing her home. I managed a few loads of laundry with a lot of help from my mom, who did the majority of the work. It was very helpful having someone push me to start. We have brought her carseat and pack n play over from storage at my parent's house. They are both sitting in our living room... waiting. Everything that we will need in the beginning is here, waiting at our house. We don't have it all in place yet, but it's here nonetheless. The last time the bouncy chair made it's way from my parent's house to ours, Owen died the next day. It was impossible not to think of the last weekend we had with Owen while pulling out of their driveway yesterday.
It's impossible not to think of the last few weeks we had with Owen during these last few weeks with Hannah Mae in my womb. All the preparing, the laundry, the cleaning, the assembling... all the heightened emotions of excitement and joy and nervous energy... all of it brings me back 2 and a half years ago.
I've done all of this before.
Throughout the ups and downs, God is so gracious to us- even with all the struggles and fear. I think of doing this without him and I can't imagine it...
I am so thankful for his presence, his Word and his love.