Thursday, April 15, 2010

had a bad day

Yup. A bad day. This past week I've been having pretty calm, peaceful days.... and I really wasn't expecting to be hit with such a bad day.

My doctor's appointment today was a follow-up ultrasound and a NST. Hannah has grown since my last ultrasound 2 weeks ago, but she's in a lower percentile than she was then. It makes me anxious. It makes me frustrated and angry. And lastly, it makes me crazy.

I cried and cried talking to the NP, who was only reassuring and not at all concerned by the ultrasound. She asked me what I was afraid of after the ultrasound. It was a pretty easy question to answer. I'm afraid that she's not getting adequate nutrition/blood flow through the cord. I'm afraid that if she's small then she's not healthy and that she's going to die.
Like Owen did.

I talked to Dr. Wonderful this evening, who after looking over my chart and the notes from the ultrasound, was equally unconcerned. She's small. And it doesn't mean that there is something wrong.
My brain hears this and wants to input the data and logically put the pieces together:
strong heartbeat, good blood flow through the cord, no elevated pressure in the cord, healthy placenta, wiggly little girl, 8/8 BPP, wonderful strips from the NST= healthy Hannah Mae

And then my heart, which longs to hope for Hannah to come home with us, remembers that Owen died. Owen was small and he wasn't getting what he needed. He died.

I want to separate my pregnancy with Owen from this one with Hannah Mae, but it's the only experience I have and I keep going back to it. Everything that could be different is different. I couldn't be getting any more monitoring than I'm getting. Everything is being done to ensure that she's healthy and happy in my womb.

I wish I had this experience with Owen. I wish I had the monitoring and vigilance to ensure that everything was being done for him. Unfortunately, I didn't. I can't change that.
And I can't dwell on the what ifs. What has happened has happened and I do believe that God is sovereign.

I have to choose to trust the Lord. What else is there for me? Where else can I go?

I sincerely appreciate your prayers and encouragement. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Please continue to pray for our hearts to be calm, that we would be comforted by the Holy Spirit and continue to be in the Word together.
Practically (is that the word I'm looking for?), could you please pray that Hannah Mae will continue to grow and be strong and healthy... that she would be born healthy and crying... that we would know the joys and struggles and the reality of raising this precious little girl here on Earth.

Praise God, He is faithful.


House of Collinsworth said...

You have every right to be anxious and to question the doctors and to just feel the way you feel. I would be the same way. It's completely normal to feel the way you are feeling after losing Owen. I, too, wish I could go back and have them monitor Noah so very closely. But I can't get that back. But Hannah Mae is being watched so carefully and she is doing so well! She is probably tiny because from what I can tell... you and your hubby are tiny people too! :o)

I'm praying for peace for you and that you can really TRULY enjoy these last few weeks without worry (or at least with VERY little worry!!!). She will be in your arms VERY SOON!!!

Anonymous said...

Hi Ebe,

I've been a reader for a little over a year now but haven't commented until now. I have been praying for you, Chris and your sweet Hannah Mae - that you would continue to trust the Lord and know that everything is in His hands, as hard as I know that is for you. Keep pressing on! :)

Also, yes, I think practically is the word you were looking for.

Love, K

Sara said...

Oh Ebe,
I will be praying for all of those things... as I have been for a while now... but it is always nice to hear specifics that you could use prayer for.

Ebe, He is holding Hannah may in His strong arms just as he is holding you and has been holding you... May He grant you peace as you wait in HIM. I love you friend!

Tonya said...

I just emailed you before I got on blogger. I'm so glad you talked to Dr. Wonderful last night and he was positive and reassuring. Praying peace, calm and truth for you and Chris. Praying that Hannah Mae will continue to grow and gain weight and be born healthy, well and alive. I hope today is a better day for you!

Love and hugs!

Anna said...

Oh how I wish it was May and you were holding a beautiful healthy crying baby girl in your arms. I'm praying for you and Chris, I'm praying for Hannah Mae and I'm praying for May to get here quickly for you.


Keisha Valentina said...

Oh May come swiftly!

Praying for you my dear friend.

I've said it a thousand times before but hang in there, keep fighting, keep trusting.... He carries you.

Oh how easy to say and how difficult to believe!

The Blue Sparrow said...

Sending prayers asap Ebe! Im so sorry that your even worrying about these things, its just not fair. (((BIG HUGS)))

Ashley said...

Oh Ebe, wish I was there to hug you! You have such a tiny build, I think this just means she is going to be a little Ebe!!

Love you and can not wait to meet your little girl! She will be here in no time!!! YAY!!!


Kelly said...

Ebe, anyone who experienced the pain and anguish you have would be feeling exactly as you are now. Try as much as you can to hang onto those reassuring words.

(((HUGS))) You are in my thoughts and prayers. Soon...very soon.

Anonymous said...

Praying for you and Hannah Mae! Can't wait till you bring her home. I really wanna see her picture - I just know she's gonna be the cutest thing! :)

Jennifer said...

Ebe, it's so hard not to worry. I continue to pray for you, Chris, and sweet Hannah Mae. May you find some comfort in what Jesus says in John 14:27--"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."


Rebecca said...

These are some dark days for me at the moment, but I am still reading your blog & praying, praying, praying. Literally crying out on your behalf, that Hannah Mae would have a long, blessed life on earth.

Miranda said...

Oh Ebe,

I know exactly how you feel! I felt the same way when they told me that Elijah was "small" but not to worry b/c everything else looked fine. I freaked out! It was too close to what had happened to Caleb and I could not separate the two no matter what they said.

Praying for peace and comfort for the next 2 weeks. I know they can't go by fast enough for you.

Can't wait to hang out some time this week :)