Yup. A bad day. This past week I've been having pretty calm, peaceful days.... and I really wasn't expecting to be hit with such a bad day.
My doctor's appointment today was a follow-up ultrasound and a NST. Hannah has grown since my last ultrasound 2 weeks ago, but she's in a lower percentile than she was then. It makes me anxious. It makes me frustrated and angry. And lastly, it makes me crazy.
I cried and cried talking to the NP, who was only reassuring and not at all concerned by the ultrasound. She asked me what I was afraid of after the ultrasound. It was a pretty easy question to answer. I'm afraid that she's not getting adequate nutrition/blood flow through the cord. I'm afraid that if she's small then she's not healthy and that she's going to die.
Like Owen did.
I talked to Dr. Wonderful this evening, who after looking over my chart and the notes from the ultrasound, was equally unconcerned. She's small. And it doesn't mean that there is something wrong.
My brain hears this and wants to input the data and logically put the pieces together:
strong heartbeat, good blood flow through the cord, no elevated pressure in the cord, healthy placenta, wiggly little girl, 8/8 BPP, wonderful strips from the NST= healthy Hannah Mae
And then my heart, which longs to hope for Hannah to come home with us, remembers that Owen died. Owen was small and he wasn't getting what he needed. He died.
I want to separate my pregnancy with Owen from this one with Hannah Mae, but it's the only experience I have and I keep going back to it. Everything that could be different is different. I couldn't be getting any more monitoring than I'm getting. Everything is being done to ensure that she's healthy and happy in my womb.
I wish I had this experience with Owen. I wish I had the monitoring and vigilance to ensure that everything was being done for him. Unfortunately, I didn't. I can't change that.
And I can't dwell on the what ifs. What has happened has happened and I do believe that God is sovereign.
I have to choose to trust the Lord. What else is there for me? Where else can I go?
I sincerely appreciate your prayers and encouragement. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Please continue to pray for our hearts to be calm, that we would be comforted by the Holy Spirit and continue to be in the Word together.
Practically (is that the word I'm looking for?), could you please pray that Hannah Mae will continue to grow and be strong and healthy... that she would be born healthy and crying... that we would know the joys and struggles and the reality of raising this precious little girl here on Earth.
Praise God, He is faithful.