Thursday, April 22, 2010

How do you do it?

I've been to the doctor three times this week. Each visit, Hannah got a NST. She passed them all. On Wednesday, she had one drop in her heart rate that scared the crap out of me. She recovered quickly and did well afterwards. The NP said that sometimes they roll over on their cords or something and it is how they recover that matters the most. I'm trying hard to believe that.

She's already bigger than her brother was at 36 weeks and 'they' say that movements change (don't stop, but change) as babies get bigger because they run out of room. Is this true?
We're almost 35 weeks now and have two weeks to go. My doctor has decided that (unless the high risk OB has a conflict) we'll be doing an amnio on May 7. Two weeks...
two weeks feels like forever.

I am afraid just about every minute of the day. When I'm sleeping and wake up to roll over, I wait and wonder if she's okay. I wait for her to move. Sometimes I get something before I fall back asleep, and sometimes I don't. When I wake up in the morning, I think about the night before and whether or not I felt her move when I rolled over. I'm constantly wondering if her movements are normal or erratic or sluggish. I don't trust myself to know what is normal and what is something to be concerned about.

For the past week or so, I can't shake the feeling that something is wrong, but I don't know if it's the combination of fear and the reality of my past experience with Owen or if it's real and there is something wrong. What do I do with these thoughts and feelings?
And there's still two weeks left to go...

I've been told countless times that I can always go into the office every day and get a NST and on the weekends I can go to L&D. The problem with that is I can't live there. I can't stay hooked up to a monitor 24/7.

I have NO idea how to get through the next two weeks. I expected this to be hard, but I didn't expect it to be so terrifying. Nothing reassures me these days and there is hardly peace when I pray.
Choosing to trust the Lord has never been this difficult or this uncomfortable. I literally feel like I could jump out of my skin.
I am verging on desperate.

I am so thankful that I'm free to struggle with these things. Knowing that I don't have to put on a show and pretend that I'm not struggling is unbelievably comforting. Thank you for being a part of my safe place. And praise God, we are safe with him. 


Andrea said...

I have been reading your blog a lot lately. I have been very encouraged by your posts. As you talk about the fears you have I continue to see your faith in God. I had fear when I was pregnant with Brady, but I know it was not the same fear. I had to remind myself to just trust and know that God was in control. I pray for you, Chris, and you sweet Hannah Mae daily. I check your blog many times a day to see if you have updated. I just happened to be looking at your Hannah Mae belly pictures and went back to the home page as soon as you posted tonight. I will continue to pray for strength as you face the next two weeks. I pray that they go by very quickly and uneventful. I cannot wait to meet Hannah Mae. I know she is going to be such a cutie!
Andrea Smith

Anna said...

(((Ebe))) I wish I had some magic words to make it not so terrifying, or make the next two weeks be over and that little Hannah Mae was in your arms breathing, crying... I'm praying for you. I know my experience with Morgan was different than yours with Owen, but I was pretty darn terrified those last weeks too... I can only imagine how you feel. I'm praying...

Love & Hugs

Devon said...

oh sweetie...i can just hear your worry and i've been there....for 4 weeks i held my breath in the hospital wondering if i would see 24 weeks...aevery single day was a struggle. every single day i wondered if today was the day i was gonna meet and say goodbye to my baby.

i literally prayed my way through the days...thats all i could do. thats all you can do...hannah's story has already been written....try to find rest in that even though i know how difficult it is.

i'm praying and thinking of you....two can do it!

Sara said...

Praying... Praying... Praying... I can only imagine Ebe... I agree with Devon all you can do is pray... continually... step by step you will get there. Minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. He is walking it with you. We are walking it with you. You will make it Ebe... You are stronger than you know.

Ebe you are in my thoughts and prayers... so so so very often:) Love you EBE! This helps me to know specifically how to pray...I love that!

Kelly said...


I can't even begin to imagine how difficult this is for you. I think of you every day and pray that you and Hannah are doing well.

Continue praying and take one hour of every day at a time. Most importantly, be so proud of yourself that you've come so far. You're already an amazing mother...and you have even been able to feel your baby girl move in your arms yet!


Tonya said...

Sweet Ebe. I wish there was something I could say that would make you feel so much better. But there's not. So I won't try. I'm here. Praying. If you need to talk/cry/vent..I'm here. Look upward and keep your eyes on Him. Love you friend!

Rachel said...

I'm praying Ebe, that the time goes quickly, that peace comes, though I understand if it doesn't. Praying that these extreme emotions are replaced and that three months (or less) from now, you won't remember them b/c you'll be having emotions on the complete opposite end of the spectrum (euphoria, contentment, happiness) as you hold Hannah in your arms!

Jennifer said...


I can only imagine the fears you are having. I am praying that Christ's peace will rule in your heart. Remember that God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power and love. He loves you and your family, and He is faithful to continue to carry you through these last few weeks. Love and hugs to you! Looking forward to seeing pictures of Hannah Mae. ;o)

Jared said...

I'm sorry this is so hard Ebe, but this is the home stretch--your God has given you everything you need (mainly Him, but also your Husband and family in Christ) to make it through this time. This is when He is purifying and refining your faith the most--when it's hardest to trust Him and easiest to doubt and flee Him. His word says, He loves you, and this is a different time, a different pregnancy and a different baby. Neither God nor the Doctors have given you any reason to believe something will go wrong with Hannah Mae. And, you do have good reason to believe things will go right--you've asked for a healthy baby, a live baby, and He gives us what we ask for. I pray that He give you His peace. I pray that on May 7th, you would deliver the healthiest, happiest little girl you ever imagined and that you would come out of this still holding God's hand. Be well, Ebe. I'm thinking and praying for you a lot right now.

Brett and Tiffany said...

I stumbled upon your blog not too long ago through my friend Hannah. I never leave random comments, but I can't help myself. I will be praying for a safe, healthy baby who kicks you every time you worry and for peace that only God can give. I look forward to checking back in a few weeks and seeing pictures of you with a beautiful baby girl!

heather ryan morse said...

i know the feeling you are talking about when you say, "want to jump out of your skin..." i am praying still and thinking of you often, friend. that the Lord will hold you..and that you will feel it.

sjefferson said...

I can totally relate to that last few weeks of fear and faith! And I'm so glad you're being honest about your fear. I have to tell you that if Grey could have gotten shaken baby syndrom in the womb, he probably would have. ;) I was constantly shaking my belly, poking and proding looking for a response. It drove Curtis crazy. But I needed that reassurance. I even went to the doctor on what turned out to be a sleepy day for Grey. But better safe than sorry. Don't feel silly about going if you feel the urge. While his movements did change, they did not stop. He was still really active, but it was more of a cramped movement. I could feel elbows, knees and feet more than rolls and tumbles.

I'm praying for you these last two weeks! When you see that sweet baby girl and know everything is okay, it's a huge flood of emotion!! Get ready. It's so overwhelming to see live and in person God's faithfulness! I still cry when I look at Grey. I know you'll feel the same way!

Susan said...

I'm sitting here in tears reading this. Your fear is totally understandable. The road you have walked is wrought with frightening, frustrating things and I think you are handing it quite well, knowing (even just a small part of) what you've already been through.

Regarding movements toward the end of pregnancy, yes, it has been my experience that they do change, become less frequent, but still within the "normal" range if you do kick counts.

This is the part where you take every breath to pray & praise & really try and relax. I know it is hard. Keep remembering there are MANY praying for you and your baby girl. I believe the Lord will see you through the next 2 weeks!

Mrs. MK said...

All I can think to pray is: "Lord, give Ebe grace, and please let Hannah Mae be OK!!!"

Ashly said...

oh wow, reading your post, just brought me back to the month of August. I can vividly remember all you talked about. It's soooooo hard, harder than anyone can imagine.

If you want to go to the office or L&D then go! My rule was this: if I thought "hum, should I clal the office?" then I automatically would. If the thought even crossed my mind, I made myself act on it.

When you spoke about the middle of the nights is what really brought back those feelings. ANYTIME I woke up in the night I would not let myself go back to sleep until I felt her move. It's the only way I could sleep. I'd also always note the time and in grain it in my brain that I felt teh baby move at this time. It was so much mental work. It was exhuasting keeping tabs on all her movements and trying not to worry and keep my mind right.

I'm praying and praying and praying! Please email me if you'd like to talk further!

Bethany said...

You don't know me, but I've been following your blog for a while (via Molly Piper). Anyway-- I haven't been what you've been through, and it was hard enough for me to remain calm through the last weeks of two pregnancies without having experienced a loss.

I wanted to suggest that you buy a stethoscope. At this point, you should be able to easily hear Hannah's heartbeat. I did this during my last pregnancy, and it was SO reassuring (especially because, yes, his movements did change a lot at the end).

I hope that helps and that the two weeks pass quickly for you!

Ashley said...

Ebe wishing I could offer something to comfort your fears. You are so close, Hannah will be here so soon! Take care of yourself and try to rest!

Love you,

Anonymous said...

Oh, Ebe, you are not alone in your fears. Being *so close* to the end is so difficult...
I overused my home doppler to get through the nights (I slept with it). My dr also told me that the NST is an adequate prediction of the baby's condition for the next week, which calmed me down enough to allow them to only do one once a week at the end.
As for change in movement, I didn't notice a dramatic change in frequency of just changed slightly in how it felt (less strong kicks, more like shoves instead). Anytime that happened, I went to the hospital for a NST even though the midwives assured me it is normal.
I am praying for Hannah Mae's continued health and for you to have her safely in your arms soon! Hang in there.

Freya said...

P.S. Whoops! I was signed in under my husband's account, where it says Jared it should actually say Freya--sorry!

Open Air said...

I think of you all the time and pray for Hannah Mae's safe arrival. Every time I see May 7 or make a plan around that time, I think, "Hannah Mae will be here!" You've been through so much, and I know it's so scary. I know with every breath you wonder and hope and pray for a good outcome.

I just want you to know that you're such an encouragement to me. I think about you all the time, even though we've never met. When I got my news this week and felt like I would die, I just thought of you and how you've kept going and you're almost there. It's such an encouragement to me to see how God has brought you Hannah Mae after so much heartache. Too much heartache. I know it's rough. I know it's terrifying, but I really believe this one is going to be it...a living, crying, beautiful baby. His redemption. The thing we all hope for, but that can seem so far away. You're almost there! I'm so happy for you. I truly believe that after these two long, long weeks, you're going to have joy unspeakable. And just seeing her picture will be a tiny bit of redemption joy for me too.

Hanging on and hoping with you,