Friday, May 7, 2010

So many things

I knew, well, I can't exactly say I knew, but I expected that bringing home our sweet Hannah would bring up a lot of emotions and things that I had no idea were hiding in my heart. One thing I knew would remain is fear. Fear and worry have been a constant battle since Owen's death and they continue to be something I struggle with even with Hannah's joyous birth and her 10 day birthday today.
I worry about her weight, her temperature, her color, her poop, breastfeeding, her sleeping habits, her feisty little habit of rolling to one side during sleep and just about anything else you could think to worry about. I fear losing her.

There are also some things, ugly and dark things, that I had no idea were hiding inside me that have come out since bringing our first child home. I don't think I can articulate them well today and I don't know if I want to. I'm embarrassed and ashamed and burdened with guilt over them. I am struggling with so many things that I didn't think I would ever struggle with and honestly, I thought I was above them. I was so prideful.

I'm not sure if I'm making any sense, but the main point I guess is that I need Jesus today just as much as I did when I carried this little girl in my womb.



There really isn't a good way to transition, but isn't that just like joy and sorrow? They coexist, side by side.
Because you asked and because she's the cutest little baby girl in the whole world- here are some pictures from our first week home.












11 comments:

Denise said...

Don't be afraid of what you might think or feel... I didn't have your "history" with Owen, but still struggled with postpartum depression and found it overwhelming to deal with my son and losing my independence for awhile after he was born...

So deal with your emotions -- good and bad, and move on! Looks like you both are settling in to parenthood well... and Hannah is healthy and happy...

You'll "get" this parenthood thing -- it just takes a little time and doesn't happen completely overnight.

God bless!

Denise in Canada.

sjefferson said...

Ebe!
She is perfect and SO beautiful!! You are holding a treasure! I can't tell you how happy I am for you...overjoyed, really!

That fear is something I still battled when we brought Grey home. Every noise I'd jump up, each grunt would send my mind racing about possible causes. It was exhausting. But the Lord has given me more peace each day to trust and rest in Him and enjoy these sweet days.

I want you to know that I'm celebrating all your sweet little babies with you on Sunday! I'm thankful this Mother's Day you'll finally have one of your sweet blessings at home with you!

Devon said...

yep, its such a fine line...

and i wish i could tell you it gets easier but 7 months later i am still trying to find that balance...still finding new things about my grief i didnt know...still struggle with so much.

hang in there. one moment at a time.

and little miss is so stinkin cute and adorable!! miss my little one being that tiny...

Mrs. MK said...

It's OK to be a mess. There, I said it, so it must be so.

Really, just breathe and don't try to figure it all out. We love you and Hannah Mae is a blessed little girl to have you for her mommy.

Love and prayers as you continue this next leg of the journey, full of hope and sadness, joy and sorrow.

Ruth said...

She's a real sweetie, Ebe, and she's right where she belongs!

heather ryan morse said...

You said:
"There are also some things, ugly and dark things, that I had no idea were hiding inside me that have come out since bringing our first child home. I don't think I can articulate them well today and I don't know if I want to. I'm embarrassed and ashamed and burdened with guilt over them. I am struggling with so many things that I didn't think I would ever struggle with and honestly, I thought I was above them. I was so prideful."

Me, too! Thoughts that i would be ashamed to utter out loud even if I was the only one in the room...our hearts are truly black without Christ..that is what those unutterable thoughts have taught me.

Erika said...

(((hugs)))

i can say that you are SO NOT alone!!! grief does not end when you bring home a baby- it crops up even when you least expect it (or especially when you least expect it). we are here for you!!!

love,
erika

Sara said...

Ebe,
I can relate to a lot of the same things. Even with 5 kids at home with me... there have been times since losing Samuel that I would have some pretty irrational fears. I will say they have lessesed praise God in the last few months.

You are adjusting to so very much. You are making it. You grew a beautiful precious little girl, with the Lord's help of course. Ebe, you will make it one step at a time, one day at a time.

The bigger boys just came int he room and there were lots of oohs and ahhhs over how precious Hannah Mae is:) I will continue to be praying for you Ebe:) I am here if you ever want to talk:)
Sara

Anna said...

(((hugs))) 5 months later I still worry about if Hunter is getting enough to eat, if he has enough wet diapers, enough poopy diapers, about how he now rolls over and sleeps on his stomach... it can be so hard. I too fear losing him... I pray about the worry, and try to remind myself that worry isn't going to change anything and instead of worrying and being fearful I should just enjoy him, but the fear is constantly creeping in, I definitely struggle with it. If it wasn't for Jesus and prayer I don't even want to know what I would be like! Anyway, just want you to know you aren't alone, I think the vast majority of parents who have babies who they've lost feel the same.

Love you! Hannah is just so beautiful, wish I was closer so I could meet her (and you!) in person.

Anna

Rebecca said...

I can only imagine. Bringing those fears from the darkness into His light is the only way to deal with them don't you think? Your grief will always be mixed in, coexisting, with joy. Just as mine is.

Hannah is beautiful. She is such a precious little peanut. I love the picture of her yawning. So sweet.

wednesdayswithmalou said...

I hope you realize by all the comments here that you are not alone, and you aren't a failure, or unworthy, or ungrateful. We get you. I hope (and I'm sure) it will get easier and your heart will open more and more, but be gentle with yourself as you get used to parenting a living child.
And I just want to say, I'm so glad you listened to your instincts - see what a good mom you are? And I'm sorry it seems like there was a growth restriction again. That must be so scary and I can also imagine the anger you may feel at your body (I've been there for other reasons). But I for one am going to learn from your story if we ever risk getting pregnant again. I really believe you and Owen saved Hannah Mae and who knows how many more babies just by sharing your story.
Sending you lots of strength and peace and love and ENERGY for those long days and nights with interrupted sleep! :) I wished many times for a nanny to stay awake all night with Liam, just to make sure he's breathing, so I could actually sleep peacefully...but my fear has gotten slightly more manageable 3 months in.
xoxo Stephanie