I can't seem to shut them again. Can I vent for a minute?
There is just so much to do. I am utterly overwhelmed by all the stuff that needs to get done in the next few weeks. I just looked at the calendar last night and realized that I only have 2 weeks left of living in this place. Only 2 weeks more of living here... where I've lived the longest of any place my whole life (10 years), where I came to college to be near a boy, where my heart was broken (or so I thought so dramatically at the age of 20), where I graduated college and got my first grown-up job and my first real paycheck, where I met the one, fell in love, got married and had all of my babies, where my babies left Earth, where my precious Hannah Mae was born alive and where I came to know Jesus as the only one who could love me and comfort me, and save me.
I'm feeling so sad, so overwhelmed by leaving here. It feels like I'm leaving behind so much. I know I will take Owen, chipmunk and sunshine everywhere I go, they are always here with me, but to leave the place where they lived is so so sad. I can't believe we're actually moving. I'm going to miss my friends here so much. I've really struggled in the past few years to maintain and grow friendships. It's amazing how God answered all my prayers in regards to the friends he's placed in my life. I'm so so sad to leave them. Praise God for the internet and cell phones.
The subject of seminary and moving away has been on the table for years, and now it's time to move forward with it.
I'm scared though.
The emotional side of moving is enough to put me in bed for days (which I have been), but then there's the practical side of moving... and there is crazy amounts to do. I made a list last night and it put me in a serious funk.
We haven't packed anything yet. We don't even have boxes to put things in. How do you pack with a baby who won't let you put her down (I'm not complaining). I'll be staying with my parents while Chris drives all our stuff to our new home, so we'll need to have separate packing areas. He's coming back for us and we'll all go up together the first week of August. After Tonya has her sweet baby boy, that is. I just have to meet him!
We still have to figure out our insurance situation, because I refuse to be without it even for a month or so. When we first got married, we didn't have it for a year and it was so stressful. Hannah needs insurance, so we are just dealing the crazy cost of independent plans. Hopefully, Chris will be able to find part time work that will provide insurance for us. Until then, Chris and I are on a stinky plan (basically catastrophic- it doesn't cover maternity at all, which is a different emotional thing all together) and Hannah will be on a separate plan that is better than ours (I hope).
Both Hannah and I have doctor's appointments next week; cashing in our last week of our wonderful insurance plan. She's going in for her 2 month check up and vaccinations. Which stresses me out big time. Don't get me wrong, I'll all for vaccinating my children- but still, it's stressful to think of her getting shots.
Chris' little sister is getting married next weekend (Yay, Katie!). While I'm super excited about it, it's still a little overwhelming taking Hannah out of town, figuring out feeding schedules while being involved in the wedding and then all the crazy amounts of people who will be there and want to hold/touch her. It's nothing personal at all.... I just am not a big fan of playing 'pass the baby' around. I'm super over protective. After all, I'm her biggest advocate and I should be watching out for what I think is best/safe/healthy. My mottos (which my mom gives me flak for) are 'I don't think you're dirty, but your hands are' and 'Even nice people have germs'.
There's a bunch of other little things on our plates and I'm finding that I can't even get done the simplest of tasks because I'm overwhelmed by the bigger picture. I feel a tad paralyzed by it all.
I'm still trying to figure out how to 'do' this parenting a living child thing... throw in moving and the stress of finances because Chris is leaving work to go back to school, PLUS my friend grief - and I just want to crawl into a hole. We're still not entirely sure how we'll cover all our living expenses while in school. I trust the Lord. I do, but that doesn't mean it's not going to be hard or uncomfortable. Praise God for the full-ride scholarship for his tuition! We are so thankful.
I know I said I needed to vent and I did, but now I'm just feeling deflated. Blah. Maybe if I took a shower, I'd feel more renewed (at least I'd smell better, considering I haven't showered in a few days). Hannah would probably appreciate it. Chris too.
I'm so so very behind on reading everyone's blogs and I have a lot of emails to return. I'm sorry that I've been out of it lately. My personality default is to turn off when I'm sad, upset, overwhelmed, angry, basically any emotion really. I wish it was different, but that's how I struggle. God uses it to draw me to himself and I know he's in control, but don't you ever wish that you could struggle differently or maybe in a way that wasn't so hard?
Maybe tomorrow I'll start on my to-do list and get some things accomplished. I could start small and get refills for our prescriptions and have my lab work done... that would be something, right?
Meanwhile, I've got this amazing human being cuddled up on my chest and I want to enjoy this moment.