Thursday, July 8, 2010

And the floodgates have been opened

I can't seem to shut them again. Can I vent for a minute?

There is just so much to do. I am utterly overwhelmed by all the stuff that needs to get done in the next few weeks. I just looked at the calendar last night and realized that I only have 2 weeks left of living in this place. Only 2 weeks more of living here... where I've lived the longest of any place my whole life (10 years), where I came to college to be near a boy, where my heart was broken (or so I thought so dramatically at the age of 20), where I graduated college and got my first grown-up job and my first real paycheck, where I met the one, fell in love, got married and had all of my babies, where my babies left Earth, where my precious Hannah Mae was born alive and where I came to know Jesus as the only one who could love me and comfort me, and save me.

I'm feeling so sad, so overwhelmed by leaving here. It feels like I'm leaving behind so much. I know I will take Owen, chipmunk and sunshine everywhere I go, they are always here with me, but to leave the place where they lived is so so sad. I can't believe we're actually moving. I'm going to miss my friends here so much. I've really struggled in the past few years to maintain and grow friendships. It's amazing how God answered all my prayers in regards to the friends he's placed in my life. I'm so so sad to leave them. Praise God for the internet and cell phones.

The subject of seminary and moving away has been on the table for years, and now it's time to move forward with it.
I'm scared though.

The emotional side of moving is enough to put me in bed for days (which I have been), but then there's the practical side of moving... and there is crazy amounts to do. I made a list last night and it put me in a serious funk.

We haven't packed anything yet. We don't even have boxes to put things in. How do you pack with a baby who won't let you put her down (I'm not complaining). I'll be staying with my parents while Chris drives all our stuff to our new home, so we'll need to have separate packing areas. He's coming back for us and we'll all go up together the first week of August. After Tonya has her sweet baby boy, that is. I just have to meet him!

We still have to figure out our insurance situation, because I refuse to be without it even for a month or so. When we first got married, we didn't have it for a year and it was so stressful. Hannah needs insurance, so we are just dealing the crazy cost of independent plans. Hopefully, Chris will be able to find part time work that will provide insurance for us. Until then, Chris and I are on a stinky plan (basically catastrophic- it doesn't cover maternity at all, which is a different emotional thing all together) and Hannah will be on a separate plan that is better than ours (I hope).

Both Hannah and I have doctor's appointments next week; cashing in our last week of our wonderful insurance plan. She's going in for her 2 month check up and vaccinations. Which stresses me out big time. Don't get me wrong, I'll all for vaccinating my children- but still, it's stressful to think of her getting shots.

Chris' little sister is getting married next weekend (Yay, Katie!). While I'm super excited about it, it's still a little overwhelming taking Hannah out of town, figuring out feeding schedules while being involved in the wedding and then all the crazy amounts of people who will be there and want to hold/touch her. It's nothing personal at all.... I just am not a big fan of playing 'pass the baby' around. I'm super over protective. After all, I'm her biggest advocate and I should be watching out for what I think is best/safe/healthy. My mottos (which my mom gives me flak for) are 'I don't think you're dirty, but your hands are' and 'Even nice people have germs'.

There's a bunch of other little things on our plates and I'm finding that I can't even get done the simplest of tasks because I'm overwhelmed by the bigger picture. I feel a tad paralyzed by it all.

I'm still trying to figure out how to 'do' this parenting a living child thing... throw in moving and the stress of finances because Chris is leaving work to go back to school, PLUS my friend grief - and I just want to crawl into a hole. We're still not entirely sure how we'll cover all our living expenses while in school. I trust the Lord. I do, but that doesn't mean it's not going to be hard or uncomfortable. Praise God for the full-ride scholarship for his tuition! We are so thankful.

I know I said I needed to vent and I did, but now I'm just feeling deflated. Blah. Maybe if I took a shower, I'd feel more renewed (at least I'd smell better, considering I haven't showered in a few days). Hannah would probably appreciate it. Chris too.

I'm so so very behind on reading everyone's blogs and I have a lot of emails to return. I'm sorry that I've been out of it lately. My personality default is to turn off when I'm sad, upset, overwhelmed, angry, basically any emotion really. I wish it was different, but that's how I struggle. God uses it to draw me to himself and I know he's in control, but don't you ever wish that you could struggle differently or maybe in a way that wasn't so hard?

Maybe tomorrow I'll start on my to-do list and get some things accomplished. I could start small and get refills for our prescriptions and have my lab work done... that would be something, right?

Meanwhile, I've got this amazing human being cuddled up on my chest and I want to enjoy this moment.


Kelly said...

You'll be in my thoughts. With everything going on, it's only normal and expected for feel overwhelmed, sad and everything else you are experiencing. (((HUGS))) Hang in there and enjoy every moment with your little girl.

Mandi @ Organizing Your Way said...

You may want to look into Samaritan Ministries ( It's a sharing ministry where members send checks to cover each other's medical expenses. For your family, it would be $249/mo. that you'd send to another family, and while there are some out-of-pocket expenses, in general we've found that it actually covers more than our regular insurance ever did.

We've been through ER visits, miscarriages, births and chronic blood disorders, and our needs are always met!

Let me know if you have any specific questions about the way it works!

Sara said...

I can so relate to so many of your worries and sadness over leaving all that you love and hold dear for the unknown of seminary life. When we went to sem as a family of 6, we had no income, no insurance, and were moving from all my family. (We lived less than a mile from my parents and 2 of my siblings families... ) I was heartbroken, yet so excited for the next part of the journey that we would be on... once again a mix of those contrasting emotions.

I do want to tell you that God knocked our socks off, blessing us with ins... gifts from so many and more friends than I ever could have imagined.

I am praying for the same for you... the blessings of the Lord just knocking your socks off.

As far as the overwhelming feeling of all you have to do... I will be praying. Start small, set aside one task to do, complete it, and I think you will feel a sense of accomlishment. Maybe that will help to motivate you bit by bit to get it all done that you need to.

I will be praying for stregth and stamina for all the tasks ahead.

Hey I have a distration for you... pray for us and our fertility situaion in California next week... ask Tonya for details or I think you can maybe guess:) I would love your prayers:)

I love you EBE... the Lord will carry you in the weeks ahead! Hey can you email me your address... I want to send you something:)

Anna just walked up and said, "Is that little Hannah?" When I said yes, she just said, "OHHHHHH, she is so cute, so adorable." I agree with her, she is just a doll.

Sorry for the novel... praying friend!

Freya said...

Hey Ebe,
I think I may have mentioned this before, but unless your family makes more than $2,800/mo. while Chris is in seminary, Hannah Mae definitely qualifies for FREE Health Insurance from the Federal Government in Missouri (that's where you all are going, right?) here is a link with more information:
(FYI: it's the same income level if you need pregnancy coverage--they will cover everything including labor & delivery)
I know some people have mixed feelings about getting Gov't help, but I have a few friends who it has really blessed--one of my dearest friends, her Husband is a missionary to public High Schoolers here in NC (raises ALL his own support) and they got Gov. Health Insurance for their kids and for her when she was pregnant with their third (you get it AFTER you are pregnant, as opposed to with regular insurance where you have to have it before pregnancy for them to cover you--so it can REALLY be a huge gift.) I worked for the Gov't helping people get Health Insurance for almost a year, and it's for people like you who are just in a strange time financially and need someone to cover their medical bases. It would probably not cover you and Chris because it's income based program and the income level for adults is extremely low--in NC, you can't make more than $400/mo. and qualify. But it would cover everything for Hannah Mae (we're talking even braces if she were older, it's comprehensive--at least in NC where I live). I encourage you to look into it and let someone else take some of the burden for you all, it's ok not to be able to afford everything while your Husband is going back to school.
Regarding your move, just try to do one thing at a time. If Hannah is insistent on you holding her, ask for some help from some friends or some bored teenager from Church who doesn't have a job this summer! Or, you could take it as an opportunity to teach her that you can't hold her all the time. Either way, you are going to move, so it's going to happen somehow. Pray about what your ideal packing/moving situation is (for example have everything packed up by July 16th, for example) and then ask God to help you do that.
Regarding having other people hold her, just be free. Jesus says, "don't worry about tomorrow, today has enough worries of its own." When the time comes, use your discretion and you'll both be fine. For now though, just focus on what is right before you.

You can do it, Ebe! Consider where you were 5 months a go, you are in a much better place now! I know you can do it and so does Jesus!!!! "You can do all things through Him who gives you strength" -Phil. 4:13.

Take care!

Tara said...

Hello :-)

Every state has low-cost insurance for kids. In FL where I am, it's called KidCare. When you apply, they screen you to see if you qualify for medicaid, and if you don't, then they will qualify you for kidcare, and it's a sliding scale but CHEAP. I know people that pay $15 a month. It's subsidized heavily with federal funds.

Check into it with where you're moving (can't remember the state right now)!! :-) Best of luck to you as you move.