Friday, August 27, 2010

4 months

She's 4 months old today... my baby girl... thank you, Lord, for her sweet presence in our lives.

And on her 4 month birthday, she rolled over for the very first time!

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Meeting new people is hard

That about sums it up.

For me, moving and meeting new people can open up the door for a lot of self-consciousness, awkwardness, insecurity, and loneliness. When you move into a place where relationships have been formed and on-going for years, it's easy to feel like there's nowhere to fit.
Add to that a feeling of already being an outsider, and it's not a pretty picture.

I moved from a place where all my friends knew me and Owen well. They were either there for me when I was pregnant with him and then when he died or we formed strong bonds because of our common losses.

The usual questions of 'where are you from', 'what brings you to the area', etc. are followed by the dreaded 'is she your only child?'

There is usually some awkwardness that follows the question 'how many children do you have?' when one (or more) of your children live(s) in Heaven.
And to be honest, I'm tired of answering this particular question.

I don't ever tire of talking about Owen. He's never far from my mind, so the 'issue' of bringing him up in conversation isn't the problem. It's the feeling of outsider-ness and the loneliness that it brings. It's the awkwardness that comes with just the mere mention of my son. It's the fact that I can't talk about him without feeling that I'm making someone uncomfortable. I feel like I can't talk about my own son. And that just plain sucks.

I never (well, rarely) let what I think someone may feel after hearing about Owen dictate when or how I talk about him, but I hate the silence that usually comes after his name is spoken. I hate my own assumptions about what someone might be thinking. 'How long ago was this- you're still grieving??' or 'Hmmm... I don't believe I would have mentioned that if someone had asked me.'  I often wonder what people are thinking when I talk about him during those first few conversations with someone new. Am I being too vulnerable with someone I've just met? Does the person I'm talking to even care?

Even though my insecurity runs deep, I still decide that it's worth it. Now matter what people think or say, it is worth the risks and consequences to talk about my son. He's my baby boy and I enjoy talking about him. I also feel like there's so much good that comes from being open about Owen. I get to talk about our God and how good he is, despite being separated from my son. I can proclaim God's great faithfulness and love (his never ending, always pursuing, forever love) through the pain and sorrow I feel each day. There's also a huge need for education about stillbirth and loss during pregnancy. The subject of stillbirth is so taboo; it's almost dirty. It makes me angry just typing the words, because by extension- talking about my son is taboo or dirty. That just shouldn't be the case.

For me, stillbirth isn't an 'issue' or a cause. Loss during pregnancy isn't easily defined in terms of miscarriage or stillbirth. It isn't something that's happened to me. They're my children. When I talk about stillbirth and miscarriage, I'm talking about my children's lives. Their existence. And I long to talk about my babies in Heaven.

It can be exhausting though. And that's where I am.

But, if you meet me tomorrow and ask me about my kids- I will joyfully tell you all about my babies in Heaven, my Owen, and the God who keeps hold of us all.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

What we did last night

After writing yesterday's post, I really needed to take in and savor what I have in my arms right now. Thanks, Kelly, for the reminder to hold Hannah close.

We went for a pre-dinner walk and since it was so nice out last night (in the low 80s), we took our time and delighted in each other and in God's beautiful creation.

I don't ever want to come across like I don't appreciate what I have. I know how precious this little life is.  And we try (though we're still human and struggle with sin) to appreciate each day/each poopy diaper/each fussy morning/each midnight waking/each wonderful moment with each other that we have.

And we praise our God for them.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

There's a boy

around here whose name is Owen. His third birthday is coming up. Three years old.

But he's not my little boy.
His name is Owen and his birthday is one month before my Owen's. And my heart aches with the missing.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Sunday, August 8, 2010


So, I suppose we've been busy recently. I mean, sort of.

It's been almost a month of this in-between period. Packing, cleaning, moving, saying goodbye, cleaning, unpacking... Transition. We're finally here and though we're surrounded by boxes, it still doesn't feel real. We moved. When I wake up in the morning, I'm no longer in Georgia- I wake up in Missouri. Weird.

I guess it's time to inundate you with pictures of Hannah Mae. Because she's just too precious and because I don't feel like blogging what's really going on in my head and heart. Maybe soon though.

I did get a picture of Hannah at Chris' little sister's wedding after all. She was a junior bridesmaid and oh-so-sweet.

Hannah got to see a lake for the first time.

And a fish.

And then my brother scared her with crazy looking faces. Except she wasn't scared, she actually thought he was pretty entertaining.

A few days after Matthew was discharged from the NICU and the day before we left for St. Louis, we got to visit Tonya and her family. He is too cute for words. 

From Tonya's house, we went to our going away party and Hannah got to play with her boyfriend, Elijah. 

The morning we hit the road, we made a stop by Owen's grave and let Hannah 'meet' her big brother. 

It was extremely emotional. I really don't know what to say about it right now.

And then... 11 hours later we were in St. Louis. Finally. 

This is what Hannah has been doing while we've been unpacking, or trying to unpack, that is. We've all had a hard time adjusting and Hannah's letting all her frustration out with fussiness. Me, well, I've been super cranky. That's how I deal with change. 

I thought Hannah would make a really cute shelf decoration and she thought I was pretty silly. 
And yes, I did cut my hair. I can't believe I actually did it, but it was time and though I regret it some days- I think it was the right decision. 

That's all for now, I guess. Hope everybody's doing well out there. 
Man, I love the internet.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

This is WILD!

We're here!!! And I can hardly believe that this is our new home. It feels like we've come for a vacation... when are we going home?

I already miss the South. It hit me when we crossed the border from Kentucky to Illinois.
I miss our little town.  I miss knowing where the grocery store is and the bank. I miss the familiarity and comfort of our old home.

But soon, I know, we'll settle in and eventually we'll start feeling like we actually live here.

Pictures to come!

Monday, August 2, 2010

Leaving on a jet plane

except it's really a Honda.

I haven't really let myself fully grasp what's happening all around me as boxes are taped and bags are packed. Even when Chris was up in St. Louis with all our worldly belongings, I still didn't 'get' it. And now, as we pack up our car and prepare for our 10 hour (which will end up being more like 14-15) drive west, I'm at a loss for words.

I'm so excited to go and so very sad at the same time. Moving is nothing new to me, but this move is different.

Well, see you in St. Louis, I guess.