Saturday, September 4, 2010

I was her

We went to a party tonight.

It's late now and I shouldn't be on the computer, but sometimes I just can't help myself. I want to go to sleep. I'm afraid to sleep. Afraid to lie awake in the dark and think. Afraid to sleep.
And so I'm on the computer. Blogs, google reader, Hulu, MISS foundation. Around and around I go.

Tonight, I met myself three years ago. Glowing, radiant, beautifully round belly. A perfect pregnancy and a baby boy growing safely in her womb. He's her first child. Due in one month.

I was her.
Three years ago, I was her.

When we got to her house, it was Hannah's feeding time so I asked for a quiet corner to nurse in. She showed me to her son's nursery. Blue and blue and more blue everywhere. I nursed Hannah in her rocking chair next to the crib.
I looked all around the room. I couldn't help myself. My eyes moved from the crib to the pack n play, the books and to the toys. The tiny blue hangers peaking out from inside the closet. Empty.

We were so close. I remember that night.
I remember the smell of his freshly laundered sheets as I put them on his crib. His precious clothes, all folded and tucked away. Blue and blue and more blue everywhere.
I was on facebook that night. I had just changed my profile picture to something silly and fun. We were waiting. Joyfully, expectantly, innocently waiting.

I was her.


Anonymous said...

I know you were. What a gift Owen gave at least once in your life, be "her" - full of joyful innocence and fearlessly embracing the future.

Sara said...

I hear you Ebe, it is so hard to see those things right in your face and remember it all... so familiar... so different from who we are now. Ebe, I am praying for the Lord to continually heal your heart... He has this journey all mapped out for you... keep walking in faith friend as joyful and difficult as it may be sometimes...
Love you!

Kelly said...

Oh, Ebe. I can only imagine the flood of emotions you felt in that room. When I read your post, it made me so sad. Maybe though you were led to that room for a reason and it was a moment for you, Hannah and Owen to have together.

heather ryan morse said...

you are an amazing writer.

The Blue Sparrow said...

Oh Ebe, what a wonderfully written post. I get this much more than I wish I did. (((HUGS)))

Freya said...

I'm so sorry, Ebe.
I know how innocent that bliss is, and how bitterly it's lost, and nothing is the same afterwards.
God is more sorry than I though--God is the most sorry, Ebe. He's sorry that He willed this for your good and had to make it part of your story. "He works all things for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

I'm still so sorry.

Rebecca said...

I guess saying Goodbye to Her is part of the grieving process, dontcha think? I was Her three times before.....Before. And now we will never be Her again and that's just part of the loss that we face. But I have to believe that God will bring good out of this. That I am more compassionate, more tender towards hurting people and I wouldn't have been had I not had to walk this difficult road.

As always,

Freya said...

I also encourage you (you probably already read it) to read or re-read this post by Molly Piper, I found it really helpful and insightful.

Take care!