We went to a party tonight.
It's late now and I shouldn't be on the computer, but sometimes I just can't help myself. I want to go to sleep. I'm afraid to sleep. Afraid to lie awake in the dark and think. Afraid to sleep.
And so I'm on the computer. Blogs, google reader, Hulu, MISS foundation. Around and around I go.
Tonight, I met myself three years ago. Glowing, radiant, beautifully round belly. A perfect pregnancy and a baby boy growing safely in her womb. He's her first child. Due in one month.
I was her.
Three years ago, I was her.
When we got to her house, it was Hannah's feeding time so I asked for a quiet corner to nurse in. She showed me to her son's nursery. Blue and blue and more blue everywhere. I nursed Hannah in her rocking chair next to the crib.
I looked all around the room. I couldn't help myself. My eyes moved from the crib to the pack n play, the books and to the toys. The tiny blue hangers peaking out from inside the closet. Empty.
We were so close. I remember that night.
I remember the smell of his freshly laundered sheets as I put them on his crib. His precious clothes, all folded and tucked away. Blue and blue and more blue everywhere.
I was on facebook that night. I had just changed my profile picture to something silly and fun. We were waiting. Joyfully, expectantly, innocently waiting.
I was her.