Thursday, October 28, 2010

fall leaves are red

and I don't want to get out of our bed...
I feel that I don't know what to do,
please turn out the lights.

Chris will probably be mad when he sees that, but it's the beginning of a song he wrote 4 years ago before Owen and all of our losses, but it fits more now than it ever did before.
That song plays in my head a lot this time of year.

Things have been beautiful and sad and hard and complicated and weird and wonderful lately.
I hardly know what to say or where to start.

My parents came to visit at the beginning of October, shortly after my grandfather died. They stayed for a few days and we soaked up the love and fun of being together. My grandmom (my mom's mom) decided to come as well and I'm so glad. We all had a great time. We did a little site seeing and lots of eating while they were here. Though Hannah did go through grandparent detox after they left. It was so funny. After they were gone, she fussed the whole day. I guess she didn't know what to do with herself after all the attention she had been getting. :)

Four generations of women on my mom's side.

October has been marked by a lot of sadness this year, as it has been for the past few years. My mind always goes back to what I was doing with Owen this time 3 years ago.
On the way to the grocery store the other day, I passed by a beautiful old cemetery and had the urge to drive in and take a walk around the beautiful old headstones. It was strange because I don't usually find much comfort near Owen's grave, but that day I wanted nothing more than to sit with him at his graveside.
That day was also the day my family buried my grandmother. My dad's mom passed away last weekend, almost exactly a month after her husband. She wasn't doing well and I know she missed her husband and was ready to go. I'm so thankful she's no longer in any pain and that she's reunited with her husband and her daughter.
My dad, understandably so, is quite exhausted and emotionally drained. I know he'd appreciate your prayers. My dad has said since 2 weeks after Hannah's birth, when all of this started with my grandparents' health (my grandmom's stroke and my granddad's hospitalization), that whenever he wants to smile he thinks about Hannah Mae. I'm glad she brings them so much joy. She does me as well.

I broke down in the car the other day. My head and heart were bombarded with thoughts of Owen and the death and separation of loved ones. There is so much loss in this world. So much pain. So so so much disappointment, grief and sorrow. It's sometimes so hard to remember that everything will be made right. My heart breaks for all the pain being felt around the world. These next weeks are not only difficult for me, but for a few of my dear friends as well.

It seems so contradictory to say that I also feel so much joy and love and hope. But I do. In the midst of my breakdown, as the tears were streaming down my face, I could hear the small goos and gaas coming from the little person in the backseat. Hannah's coos and sweet smiles brighten my world. She's a precious girl with such a sunny disposition. Sure, she gets mad when she doesn't get what she wants when she wants it, she's still a sinner in this broken world; but her presence is one of pure joy.

Hannah was a tiny little baby in my womb on Owen's 2nd birthday, so to say that this is our first November with her wouldn't be true. But this year, we get to hold her in our arms while celebrating our firstborn's life. I don't know what to expect this year. I've already been surprised by grief these past few weeks, so really I guess I need to go with the flow and lean on Jesus.

And now, for some pictures...

Hannah's first time seeing the beautiful colors of fall. 

Chris asked me what it is about this outfit that is 'wrong'... I can't quite put my finger on it, but this is what happens when daddy dresses you.

This is my idea of a lazy Saturday! 

Seriously, my favorite picture of our little belly laugher.

Yesterday was Hannah's 6 month birthday. It is so hard to believe. She's really here- in our arms, growing and getting bigger each day. We are so thankful.

And thank you for your sweet and thoughtful words on my article. You guys are so wonderful.


Kelly said...

I love to read your updates and see your pictures. Hannah is absolutely, positively gorgeous!

Loss and grief are so difficult. I'm sorry that you're dealing with so much of it right now. (((HUGS)))

Erika said...

ebe, it is like i could have written this post myself! my much loved grandpa died on october 16th (12 days ago)- and two months before that, my 21 year old cousin died in a car accident. i think back on the past two years- and so many losses, the biggest of which (for me) was the loss of my twin daughters. just know i am thinking of you and what you are going through. many many hugs to you!!!