First off, I have to say how wonderful you guys are. I mean, truly wonderful. I am praising God for you and for your sweet words of encouragement.
There were times during the day on Tuesday that I thought I might just lay down on the floor and not get back up again. I hate feeling that way. Such a hopeless and sad feeling. There were so many days right after Owen died that I did exactly that. I would be in the middle of doing something in the house or after having just gotten up off the couch to go the bathroom, I would lay down on the floor and just cry. I remember those days so vividly.
And now, all of a sudden, it's been 3 years since Owen died. Today is his Heaven day. This time, 3 years ago, I was at work. I was huge, uncomfortably and blissfully pregnant with my precious firstborn. There are details and bits and pieces of that work day that I remember so well. I know exactly what I was wearing (down to the shoes on my feet), I remember walking into my co-worker's office (also my good friend and supervisor) and telling her how great I felt, and I remember the exact time of the day that I felt Owen's last big kicks. I wish I had known that those were his last, but I am thankful (to the best of my knowledge) to know when he entered Heavens' gates.
But I wish I didn't remember that night so well. The night I ignored the sinking suspicion that something was wrong. The night I was so busy with shopping and planning that I didn't want to believe that something could happen this close to his due date. The restless night of sleep I got 3 years ago will probably haunt me the rest of my life. But, I know I couldn't have changed anything. I believe that he was already rejoicing in Heaven that night. I know that I couldn't have done anything for him, but my heart will always hit replay and wonder and wish.
It's so hard not to, but I don't want to focus on all of that... I do want to focus on his sweet life with us and on the glorious life he has now.
Rejoice with me today.... the day Owen went home to Jesus. What a glorious day!