Friday, November 5, 2010

3 years

First off, I have to say how wonderful you guys are. I mean, truly wonderful. I am praising God for you and for your sweet words of encouragement.
There were times during the day on Tuesday that I thought I might just lay down on the floor and not get back up again. I hate feeling that way. Such a hopeless and sad feeling. There were so many days right after Owen died that I did exactly that. I would be in the middle of doing something in the house or after having just gotten up off the couch to go the bathroom, I would lay down on the floor and just cry. I remember those days so vividly.

And now, all of a sudden, it's been 3 years since Owen died. Today is his Heaven day. This time, 3 years ago, I was at work. I was huge, uncomfortably and blissfully pregnant with my precious firstborn. There are details and bits and pieces of that work day that I remember so well. I know exactly what I was wearing (down to the shoes on my feet), I remember walking into my co-worker's office (also my good friend and supervisor) and telling her how great I felt, and I remember the exact time of the day that I felt Owen's last big kicks. I wish I had known that those were his last, but I am thankful (to the best of my knowledge) to know when he entered Heavens' gates.

But I wish I didn't remember that night so well. The night I ignored the sinking suspicion that something was wrong. The night I was so busy with shopping and planning that I didn't want to believe that something could happen this close to his due date.  The restless night of sleep I got 3 years ago will probably haunt me the rest of my life. But, I know I couldn't have changed anything. I believe that he was already rejoicing in Heaven that night. I know that I couldn't have done anything for him, but my heart will always hit replay and wonder and wish.

It's so hard not to, but I don't want to focus on all of that...  I do want to focus on his sweet life with us and on the glorious life he has now.

Rejoice with me today.... the day Owen went home to Jesus. What a glorious day!


Anna said...


Post Tenebras Lux said...

When by His grace
we will look on His face
that will be glory. . . .

Sorrowful, yet always rejoicing.

Ashly said...

Happy Birthday to your sweet Owen! I know it's such a trying time. I always feel like the month and week leading up to Brooks' birthday is much harder than the actual you think the same? Then the birthday comes and we always have fun celebrating him. I'm praying for you!

Open Air said...

Thinking of you and Owen today.

Even though that restless night was haunting (I have one like that too), I'm so glad you keep reminding me that their lives were not in our hands. Rejoicing with you that he's safe and held by the most loving hands in the whole universe. I'm so glad we have Heaven to look forward to!

Jennifer said...

Praying for you and know that God is conforming you into the image of His Son. Love and hugs!!

Tonya said...

You've been on my mind and in my prayers so often these last few days. Remembering Owen with you and thanking God for his short but beautiful life. I have a card for you but don't have your new address. Love and miss you!


Mrs. MK said...

Celebrating this day, with tears. Grief and faith.

Happy Birthday, Owen.