Yesterday was sweet and sorrowful. Painful and joyful.
It feels like a balancing act to keep living in the world after one of your children dies. A strange and mysterious juggling of emotions on a day to day basis.
My heart longs to dwell on Owen. To let my thoughts linger on him and his life; his absence here and his presence in Heaven. My mind turns to him constantly throughout the day as I remember the time we had with him, and as I long for things that won't ever be reality. I wonder what life would be like with a three year old running around our house, interrupting Hannah's naptime and chattering with me while I make dinner.
At the same time, my mind is occupied with nursing schedules and naptimes. My heart also sits joyfully with Hannah as we play on the floor and giggle with each other.
I am in the present with Hannah and I am also longing for the future with Owen in Heaven. I'm not torn between the two, my heart doesn't love one more than the other or long for one more than the other, but it's a balancing act.
It's difficult to explain and hard to navigate. I've been living with the pain of Owen's absence for three years, but only in the last six months have I had to navigate this road with a child in my arms.
Celebrating Owen's birthday was different this year than the past two years. It was hard to sit in my grief and sorrow while tending to a very needy and adorable six month old. We didn't get to release any balloons because of bad timing and other responsibilities. I did make a cake, but didn't get it iced until after Hannah was in bed. It was just a different kind of day.
I can't believe Owen has been gone from this Earth for three years. It's so hard to believe that he would be three if his birth, his life for that matter, was what we had expected. It wasn't though... it wasn't what we expected, but it is his story nonetheless.
We miss you, precious baby boy.