Friday, November 19, 2010


From a blog post almost a year ago:
"I was almost 11 weeks pregnant with her when we bought her first outfit. A little brown bear coat with ears on the hood. We weren't really looking to buy, just looking to look, when we saw it. I wanted it so badly. I wanted everything that it meant in buying that little coat. I wanted the six month old baby just sitting up on her own. I wanted the chubby little face poking out of the hood with ears. I wanted it all."

There are not enough words to convey what this picture means to me. "I wanted everything that it meant in buying that little coat."
Oh, man...

She's talking to me right now, grunting and cooing and staring me down, willing me to look at her. I have to smile back at her, looking up between each word to soak in her precious 6 month old perfection. 
She's really here. Living and breathing and being here with us. It's almost unbelievable, but still, at times I do forget that I never thought we would be here. 

Hannah's had a cold since Tuesday (but really, it may or may not just be teething) and then yesterday she went in for her 6 month well visit and shots. She weighs 16 pounds!!! I almost fell over. That means she's quadrupled the weight she was when she came home from the hospital! Praise God.

Between the teething monster, the runny nose and the after effects of getting shots yesterday, none of us slept well last night. I've had a lot of time to reflect because Hannah has been extra sleepy all day (She's already had two 1.5 hour naps this morning!). I've gone back over a lot of my past blog posts to read and re-read where we've come from. 

It honestly feels like an out of body experience to read the words of a broken woman, desperate to parent her children. There were so many times this morning that I could feel and visibly see the full circle, the redemption that God has brought to us. 
*speaking of that, I've got to interrupt this blog post to change a super poopy diaper!*

As wonderful and amazing and beautiful as it is having Hannah Mae home with us, it's not a complete or perfect full circle. There is not full redemption yet. And there won't be until we are all together, living true life with our Father. I long for that day.

It is undeniable how much my life has changed these past two years since starting this blog. My two year blog anniversary is next weekend. Strangely enough, the date also falls on Hannah Mae's 7th month birthday.

To completely honest, some of the things I wrote about- hope and healing, trust and faith- I've needed to revisit since Hannah was born because I've forgotten. I think this is just part of life though. We learn and grow, we become self righteous with our new found wisdom and maturity, and then we find ourselves struggling with the same issues again and we need to go back to the root of all wisdom. We need to go back to the cross and to Jesus. We think we have it all figured out, but what little insight we've been given makes us feel self sufficient and righteous within ourselves. I have been this way many, many times before and I doubt that I will escape it in the future.

But the good news is that God is more gracious and more wise than we can imagine. He knows we will lose sight of Him and His saving grace, become preoccupied with worldly things; and He knows we'll find no greater comfort, peace, or love outside of Him. We can try to live otherwise, but eventually God in his great mercy will show us the Truth and we'll fall on our knees, not in shame, but in thankfulness.

I'm so thankful for the good news of the Gospel tonight.

It took me literally all day to write this post. Here it is 9:30 on a Friday night and still, I think I could write all night long. There's so much I need to write and share, but I want to be intelligible and I don't think I can do that now. After reading back from my very first blog post to now, I can see the beautiful work of the Holy Spirit and I long to bring Him glory.

I feel such indebtedness to each of you who've walked this road with me. I can't say thank you enough. I want to continue to share our little life with you, and I hope you'll continue on with us. Life and blogging has looked a little bit different since we welcomed Hannah Mae into our arms, but I hope to continue writing here. I'm very thankful for this place.

And I'm super thankful for this sweet little baby girl who has brought us more joy than we thought possible.


JamieW said...

You have travelled this road with such grace and are an inspiration to many including myself. I am thankful for you and your sweet Hannah.

Elisia said...

Thank you for the encouragement of seeing God's hand in your life. Being a woman who is in that place of wondering if we'll have children after a miscarriage, its so healing to read this post and know that God gets all the glory and he is a holy redeemer. Praise God, sister! =)

Open Air said...

I remember when you wrote that post. So good to see her in that cute coat, and you coming full circle! Praise God for everything that came with it. :)