Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Grief in a new year

First off, I should probably apologize for all the self analyzing that will follow in this post. I've said before that I feel like I've lost my voice, and well, I feel a little bit like I've lost my place in this blogging world as well. I don't know why exactly.
Though my grief journey has changed since bringing Hannah Mae home, I am still grieving, still walking down this road, and I still need this place.

But some things have changed. When I want to write about my grief or sadness, I feel guilty (and mean?) for sharing. I don't feel like I can share; though no one has made me feel like I can't, the feelings are still there.


I'm starting to get on my own nerves. 

How many posts have you starting writing and then never hit publish? This may be one of those posts. 

The January blues always hit when I least expect them.

Another sweet blogging friend is in need of prayers... Sara, who is pregnant with her adorable Levi, has been admitted into the hospital for high blood pressure. Please send her some love. 


Tonya said...

Guess you decided not to publish...

I'm here if you want to talk. Love you!


Kelly said...

Thinking of you.

paige said...

blogging is strange that way- (the guilt over sharing... or not).
Grief is so individual. i remember thinking that there was some formula out there for grief that i had never been taught - i cried to my mom, "i don't know what i'm supposed to feel..." & she told me to just, "feel what i feel" & not worry about it being appropriate or right or... *whatever*.
Post your joy - post your sorrow - feel what you feel.
Sift if you need to - but your honesty is a thing of beauty...

Anna said...

I've written many many posts that I decided not to publish. I'm sorry you are feeling guilty and while I know saying "Don't feel guilty (or mean) for how you feel, especially in your grief" doesn't make it better, I have to say it anyway, not to "tell you how to feel" but rather to send encouragement your way. I don't think we ever stop grieving for our babies- so why shouldn't we share it, especially so someone else who is feeling the same way might know they aren't alone... You and your blog have always made me feel that I'm not alone in how I feel about Morgan, my rainbow baby etc. And from the responses to your posts, I don't think I'm alone in that feeling.

Lots of love and hugs and prayers too.

PS. Thanks so much for the shout out about Gage and all your prayers for him.

Freya said...

I find your processing of your grief as helpful, if not more, since Hannah Mae's come safely home because it helps me understand what that experience will be like! So please, do go on. I think it is just the enemy wanting you to feel bad for sharing when God's given you a live baby, which will only lead to isolation--separation from community, and other bad things. Also, who says grief ends when you have a living child? No-one I, in all gentleness, leave that feeling behind, and press on towards understanding & experiencing what you are experiencing.
Take care!

Cecilia said...

I don't have any sage advice, but I can relate. I have so many posts in draft, and thoughts swarming in my head that I don't always know how to express. Thank you for being honest, it's always nice to know you aren't alone.